Rooster Cashews

NEW SITE IS UP AND RUNNING

2006-11-22T22:51:00.000-08:00

See ya Blogger.com http://roostercashews.wordpress.com/

Blogger Be Damned

2006-11-18T23:12:00.000-08:00

Moving time! New site: Follow the bread crumbs... http://roostercashews.wordpress.com Tired of the screw-ups, down time, pictures not uploading, and fracked-up posting with Blogger pushing all the posts together after I moved this page to their "beta" site so they are unreadable. I'm still working on the new place, so it will be a while before everything is clean and smelling Downy fresh. I'm still in the process of migrating old files over and ironing out what Wordpress can do. And from what I see so far, it does a hell of a lot more than Blogger. It's been fun here, but it's time to move on to something better... Well... Just about any other blog host is better than Blogger, but you get the idea.

Compare And Contrast

2006-11-15T21:21:00.000-08:00

I just moved my page over to the beta blog, and I can only imagine the hell that is sure to follow by doing this. So, for no other reason than to see if Google, being Google, can screw-up something else, I'm just posting for the hell of it. Not a lot of thought went into me posting the following articles, but they do go hand in hand. 1. Evil conservatives? Strange... I thought we were supposed to be the ones who ate your children and destroyed the planet. Philanthropy Expert: Conservatives Are More Generous SYRACUSE, N.Y. -- Syracuse University professor Arthur C. Brooks is about to become the darling of the religious right in America -- and it's making him nervous. The child of academics, raised in a liberal household and educated in the liberal arts, Brooks has written a book that concludes religious conservatives donate far more money than secular liberals to all sorts of charitable activities, irrespective of income. In the book, he cites extensive data analysis to demonstrate that values advocated by conservatives -- from church attendance and two-parent families to the Protestant work ethic and a distaste for government-funded social services -- make conservatives more generous than liberals. Complete story at the link above. 2. Strange... After the elections, I don't remember Republicans screaming for recounts like another party did in 2000 and 2004. Full story at the link:

Funny how they refuse to concede in an election, but are willing to do so in Iraq at the drop of a hat.

Florida Democrat Puts More Faith in Polls Than Election Results By Susan Jones CNSNews.com Senior Editor November 14, 2006 (Editor's note: Fixes percentages in last paragraph.) (CNSNews.com) - A Florida Democrat says he won't concede defeat in his race to unseat Republican Rep. Tom Feeney "until every vote is actually counted." Clint Curtis said he is considering a legal challenge to the election results: "In this election, the results did not match the Zogby pre-election poll, our internal VoteNow2006.net polling, or our exit polling," Curtis explained. My poll says you're a dumb ass... Or words to that effect.

Odds And No End: Sex Sex Sex

2006-11-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

Today's post has two of my favorite things: Sweet and clean hot teachers, and Youtube strangeness. I also have email bank fraud condoms too, but sweet and clean teacher love comes first... Or maybe the student did... Anyway...

1. Best line in the article below is: "...Johanson forced the boy to have sex with her."

To which I reply: Riiiiight. To back up my argument (which should be used in court) is "Look at her!" She somehow "forced" a 15-year-old into sex? The kid was 15! When would a female that looks like she does have to force any male to have sex? It's inconceivable, so the case should be dismissed.

Teacher monkey love

RAINIER, Ore. -- A former teacher’s assistant accused of having sex with a 15-year-old boy was indicted earlier this week, according to a Longview, Wash. newspaper. The Daily News reported that 35-year-old Christine Marie Johanson, who worked at Hudson Park Elementary School, allegedly had a sexual relationship with a freshman at Rainier Junior/Senior High School. Further, the indictment also alleges that Johanson forced the boy to have sex with her. She pleaded innocent Monday to 10 counts of third-degree rape, two counts of third-degree sodomy, 12 counts of second-degree sexual abuse and two counts of furnishing liquor to a minor, according to The Daily News. The district said Johanson was fired in September, and was ordered to stay away from the boy and the school.

2. Youtube. It brings to my computer all that is right with the world, and so much more of what's wrong too.

There are some things a guy doesn't need to know about. Any talk of vaginal discharge from the "opening between the legs" as the video says is a good example.

And the following transaction just freaks me out:

Jill: Suzy, what’s a sanitary pad?

Suzy: Come on Jill, I’ll show you. I’m having my period now. Let’s go into the bathroom.

Shudder...

3. I don't know why I don't get more spam email from people wanting to make my penis larger, or selling time-shares in Dubai, but I don't. The video at the link below combines the lovely South African people with their desire to promote safe sex. I guess that's a good thing, but I know they have a commercial somewhere asking for your bank account number so they can transfer $10 million to you.

Pretty cool looking condoms though. Just be careful when snapping that thing on!

Thank You America... Now Let's Run Away.

2006-11-08T10:15:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest reasons to live in America is the freedom to choose those who govern. It's not a pure democracy by any means, but I will always believe representative government is the best form of government available no matter what the outcome of the election. Yesterday's election proved that again with another successful non-violent change of power. But the funny thing about representative government is this: You get what you vote for. I'm pleased in many ways, and disheartened in others. Texas remained a red state in it's highest offices (Governor, Lt. Governor, US Senator, and US House seats) showing that while we may be a gun-toting, mass-executing group, we're not stupid enough to follow in the lines of another state who at one time elected a former pro-wrestler for their governor. In our case, we had a Jewish singing cowboy looking to pull a Jesse Ventura. Thank God Texans saw through this, and realized (with only 13% of the vote cast for Kinky) that a singing cowboy, is not what Texas needs. Apparently, the rest of the country had other ideas with the yahoos they elected.

The decisions made in the voting booth affects your job, your family, your security, and possibly your very life. Some people seem to forget that. A great article appeared about a month ago at investors.com that laid out a pretty decent argument against Democrats taking power during a time of war, or when our security is at stake. While I have many problems with the direction the Republicans have taken lately on issues like immigration (illegals) by not tossing them out, and spending (entitlement programs) Pick whatever pork project you want for this one, and an attempt to run a "clean" war, just to name three; I fear what happened yesterday. The cut and run Democratic mind-set on defense is a frightening prospect for the next 2 to 6 years. Hopefully, some of the more moderate Democrats will be enough of a force to counter what progressive (read: liberal) Democrats like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, John-John-Genghis-Khan-Kerry, and Teddy Kennedy want to do: raise taxes, create a larger welfare state, and damage our national security.

And if there is anyone who questions what I wrote above, have a look at what Iran thinks of Tuesday's results:

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Iran's Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei on Friday called U.S. President George W. Bush's defeat in congressional elections a victory for Iran. and: "(now)...America's threats are empty threats on an international scale."

Full story here

Again, let me say thank you America. You get what you vote for.

Article below is here

INVESTOR'S BUSINESS DAILY

Posted 9/29/2006

97 reasons Democrats can't be trusted to lead in wartime.

Today's Democrats are nothing like Presidents Roosevelt, Truman and Kennedy, who with courage and decisive action kept on top of their jobs and aggressively confronted one national defense crisis after another. Jimmy Carter, elected during the Cold War with the Soviet Union, and (1) believing Americans had an inordinate fear of communism, (2) lifted U.S. citizens' travel bans to Cuba, North Korea, Vietnam and Cambodia and (3) pardoned draft evaders. President Carter (4) also stopped B-1 bomber production, (5) gave away our strategically located Panama Canal and (6) made human rights the central focus of his foreign policy. That led Carter, a Democrat, (7) to make a monumental miscalculation and withdraw U.S. support for our long-standing Mideast military ally, the Shah of Iran. (8) Carter simply didn't like the Shah's alleged mistreatment of imprisoned Soviet spies. The Soviets, (9) with close military ties to Iraq, a 1,500-mile border with Iran and eyes on Afghanistan, aggressively tried to encircle, infiltrate, subvert and overthrow Iran's government for its oil deposits and warm-water ports several times after Russian troops attempted to stay there at the end of WWII. These were all communist threats to Iran that Carter never understood. Carter (10) thought Ayatollah Khomeini, a Muslim exile in Paris, would make a fairer Iranian leader than the Shah because he was a religious man. (11) With U.S. support withdrawn, the Shah was overthrown, and (12) the ayatollah returned and promptly proclaimed Iran an Islamic nation. (13) Executions followed. Palestinian hit men were hired to secretly eliminate the opposition so the religious mullahs couldn't be blamed. Iran's ayatollah (14) then introduces the idea of suicide bombers to the Palestine Liberation Organization and paid $35,000 to PLO families whose young people were brainwashed to attack and kill as many Israeli citizens as possible by blowing themselves up. This inhumane menace has grown unchallenged. The ayatollah (15) next created and financed with Iran's oil wealth Hezbollah, a terrorist organization that later bombed our barracks in Beirut, killing 241 Marines and sailors. With Iran's encouragement this summer, (16) Hezbollah attacked Israel and started a war that damaged Lebanon and (17) diverted the world's attention from Iran's nuclear bomb program. In November 1979, Iranians, including (18) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, their current puppet president who was elected in an unfree, rigged election in which opponents were intimidated into not running, (19) stormed the U.S. Embassy in Tehran and held 52 U.S. personnel hostage for 444 days. Carter, after nearly six months, (20) belatedly attempted a poorly executed rescue with only six Navy helicopters (three were lost or disabled in sandstorms) and Air Force planes with Delta Force commandos. The mission was aborted, but foul-ups on the ground resulted in a loss of eight aircraft, five airman and three Marines. The bungled plan was never put down on paper for the Joint Chiefs to evaluate. There were practice sessions, but no full dress rehearsal, and pilots weren't allowed to meet with their weather forecasters because someone in authority worried about security. America (21) can thank the well-meaning but naive and inexperienced Democrat, Jimmy Carter, for a foreign policy that lost a strong military ally, Iran, and (22) put the U.S. at odds with a gangster regime that was determined to build nuclear bombs to wipe Israel off the map and threaten the U.S. and other nations. Iran also has a working relationship with al-Qaida, which also wants nukes. Care to connect the dots? Shortly after a meeting at which Carter kissed Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev on each cheek, (23) the USSR invaded Afghanistan. Carter the appeaser was shocked. "I can't believe the Russians lied to me," he said. During the Carter Democrat period, (24) communism was on a rampage worldwide. In an unrestrained country-capturing spree, communists took over (25) Ethiopia, (26) South Yemen (27) located at the mouth of the Red Sea where they could block Mideast oil shipments and access to the Suez Canal), (28) Afghanistan, (29) Angola, (30) Cambodia, (31) Mozambique, (32) Grenada and ( 33) Nicaragua. Compared to the pre-Vietnam War defense budget in 1964, Carter requested in fiscal 1982's defense budget (34) a 45% reduction in fighter aircraft, (35) a 75% reduction in ships, (36) an 83% reduction in attack submarines and (37) a 90% reduction in helicopters. The Soviets for years (38) consistently spent 15% of their GDP on defense; (39) in 1980 we spent under 5%. As a percentage of our government's spending, defense was lower than before Pearl Harbor. No wonder a Republican, Ronald Reagan, had to vastly increase defense spending to help us win the 45-year-old Cold War and relegate the USSR to the ash heap of history — an astounding feat no one (except Reagan) believed possible. In addition to a communist enemy rapidly expanding its territorial conquests, Reagan (40) inherited from Democratic management a 12% inflation rate (highest in 34 years), (41) 21% interest rates (highest since Abraham Lincoln was president), (42) a depleted military and (43) a serious energy crisis. For eight years (44) congressional Democrats ridiculed and fought with Reagan and were on the wrong side of nearly all his defense and economic policies. They said he wasn't bright — an "amiable dunce," as party elder Clark Clifford (45) put it. They maintained his tax cuts wouldn't work, (46) that he insulted the Soviets by labeling them the "Evil Empire" (47) and that he was going to start World War III by putting missiles in West Germany to counter new Soviet SS-20 nuclear missiles installed in East Germany. (48) John Kerry wanted a nuclear freeze that would guarantee the Soviets overwhelming tactical nuclear superiority in Europe. (49) Kerry seemed to constantly advise retreating, giving up and handing our enemies what they wanted — a recipe for us to lose every war. Democrats waffled (50) on Reagan's request for support of Contras who were fighting to stay alive and take Nicaragua back from Daniel Ortega's communist Sandinistas. Each month, the Soviets poured $50 million worth of Russian tanks, anti-aircraft weapons, Hind attack helicopters and munitions into that central American country. Democratic leaders (51) all dismissed as a ridiculous pipe dream Reagan's plan for the U.S. to develop a missile that could shoot down incoming enemy missiles. (52) Showing no vision, Democrats mockingly called it Star Wars. Democratic politicians (53) were proved wrong on virtually every vital Reagan policy. (54) His tax cuts set off a huge seven-year economic boom that created 20 million new jobs. (55) Interest rates tumbled from 21% to 7 1/2%. (56) Inflation nose-dived from 12% to 3%. And (57) oil prices collapsed when — contrary to warnings from Democrats — he removed price controls on natural gas. Reagan's motto was "Peace through Strength," (58) not peace through weakness and accommodation. With his steadfast determination and perseverance, the communists were kicked out of Grenada and defeated in Nicaragua, Ethiopia and Afghanistan. And for the first time in history Soviet expansion ended. Reagan (59) never quit exerting pressure on the Soviets. In Berlin, he demanded that Gorbachev "tear down this wall," and in time the Berlin Wall fell. In the end the communist Soviet Union dissolved. The Reagan-Bush administration had won the Cold War. Years later, (60) a group of Russian generals were asked about the one key that led to the collapse of the USSR. They were unanimous in their response: "Star Wars." Gorbachev feared it would render the Soviets' nuclear missiles obsolete for an overwhelming first strike, and they could not afford to build the hundreds more that would be needed or hope to match America's great technical ability. (61) So Gorbachev threw in the towel after Reagan held firm at Reykjavik and refused to stop SDI research. Years later (62) Gorbachev said he didn't think it could have ever happened if Reagan hadn't been there. In July 2001, (63) the U.S. military used an SDI missile launched thousands of miles away and flying at near bullet speed to blow a test missile out of the sky. (64) Democrats from Dukakis to Gore to Kerry all said this would be impossible and that missile defense would never work. They were all wrong. Reagan was right. The current terrorist threat (65) to U.S. national security did not begin on 9/11, but in the early 1990s. Bill Clinton was elected November 1992. (66) The first bombing of our World Trade Center on Feb. 26, 1993, killed six people and injured 1,000. Terrorists hoped to kill 250,000. (67) Some of the apprehended terrorists were trained in bomb making at the Khalden terrorist camp in Afghanistan. October 1993. (68) A Somali warlord, with help from weapons and top trainers sent by al-Qaida, shot down two U.S. Blackhawk helicopters. Eighteen Americans were killed and 73 wounded. Clinton, under pressure from a Democratic Congress, ordered retreat and withdrawal of all U.S. forces. Said Osama bin Laden: "They planned for a long struggle, but the U.S. rushed out in shame." January 1995. (69) Philippine police discovered Ramzi Yousef, mastermind of the World Trade Center bombing, had a plan to blow up 12 American airliners over the ocean and fly a plane into CIA headquarters. They informed Clinton's government of the plot. Bin Laden (70) tried to buy weapons-grade uranium to develop a weapon that would kill on a mass basis — like Hiroshima. (71) In November 1995, a car bomb exploded at a Saudi-U.S. joint facility in Riyadh, killing five Americans. June 1996. (72) Khobar Towers, which housed U.S. Air Force personnel in Saudi Arabia, was blown up by Saudi Hezbollahs with help from Iran and some al-Qaida involvement. Nineteen Americans were killed and 372 wounded. July-August 1996. (73) The U.S. received from senior level al-Qaida defectors intelligence on the creation, character, direction and intentions of al-Qaida. February 1998. (74) Bin Laden and Ayman al-Zawahri issued a fatwa declaring "war on America" and making the murder of any American anywhere on earth the "individual duty" of every Muslim. May 29, 1998. Finally, (75) after a long series of deadly bombings carried out since 1992, and bin Laden calls to attack the U.S., Clinton's CIA created a plan to raid and capture the al-Qaida leader at his Tarnak Farms compound in Afghanistan. After months of planning, consultations with senior officials in other departments and numerous full rehearsals that went well, the raid was called off at the last moment by CIA Director George Tenet and others worried about possible collateral damage and second-guessing and recrimination if bin Laden didn't survive. Aug. 7, 1998. (76) Al-Qaida blew up U.S. embassies in Nairobi and Dar es Salaam, five minutes apart, killing 200, injuring 5,000. Now (77) Clinton's team, wanting to take stronger action, decided to fire Tomahawk missiles at bin Laden's training camps as well as a Sudan aspirin factory. (78) But the administration gave up to 48 hours notice to certain people, including the chief of staff of Pakistan's army, so India wouldn't think the missiles were aimed at them. Somehow forewarned, bin Laden and his terrorist leaders all left — no terrorists were killed, but U.S. ineffectiveness was on full display. Dec. 20, 1998. (79) Intelligence knew bin Laden would be at the Haii house in Kandahar but again passed up the opportunity due to potential collateral damage and the risk of failure. (80) Clinton approved a plan by his national security adviser, Sandy Berger, to use tribals to capture bin Laden. But nothing happened. Next, (81) the Pentagon created a plan to use an HC 130 gunship, a more precise method, against bin Laden's headquarters, but the plan was later shelved. Lt. Gen. William Boykin, deputy undersecretary of defense, told the 9/11 Commission "opportunities were missed due to an unwillingness to take risks and a lack of vision and understanding." Feb. 10, 1999. (82) The CIA knew bin Laden would be at a desert hunting camp the next morning, the 11th. But the military failed to act because an official airplane of the United Arab Emirates was there and it was feared an Emirate prince or official might be killed. May 1999. (83) Detailed reports from several sources let the CIA know that bin Laden would be in Kandahar for five days. Everyone agreed it was the best chance to get bin Laden. But word came to stand down. It was believed Tenet and Clinton were again concerned about civilian collateral damage. A key project chief angrily said three opportunities were missed in 36 hours. October 2000, (84) the USS Cole was bombed, killing 17 U.S. sailors. No action was taken due to concerns expressed by Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. Americans must learn from history and costly mistakes. Sadly, (85) Democrat Jimmy Carter, a Southern peanut farmer, became our Neville Chamberlain, creating the specific conditions that have brought us the three greatest threats to our national security today: 1) (86) Iran's nuke-bound terrorists; 2) (87) al-Qaida and other terrorists; and 3) (88) North Korea and its nuclear weapons. Carter's (89) inability to deal with the Soviet communists emboldened them to invade Afghanistan. A 23-year-old bin Laden also was drawn there to recruit young Muslim fighters and build a network to raise money for the anti-Soviet jihad that later became al-Qaida. Years later, (90) civilian Carter took it on himself to go to North Korea and negotiate a peace agreement that would stop that communist country from developing nuclear weapons. He then convinced Clinton and Albright to go along with it. (91) The signed piece of paper proved worthless, as the Koreans easily deceived Democrats and used our money, incentives and technical equipment to build nuclear bombs and increase the threat we face today. The Clinton administration (92) had at least 10 chances to get bin Laden, but it repeatedly could not make the decision to act. There were too many people and departments involved, too much confusion and no strong leader to make the tough decisions to act. They were too timid and concerned about repercussions if they failed. Contrast this inability to take action with Harry Truman's ability to make sound decisions and get results on complex defense issues — from dropping the bomb to end WWII to helping Iran and Turkey stave off the Soviets, from defending Greece from communist takeover following WWII to confronting and beating the Soviet's Berlin blockade with a 14-month night-and-day Berlin airlift, from taking on the North Koreans to ultimately firing the popular Gen. Douglas MacArthur for insubordination. Further Democratic incompetence in matters of defense emerged from Clinton's attorney general, Janet Reno, and her deputy, Jamie Gorelick. (93) They built a legal barrier that in effect prevented the CIA from sharing intelligence with the FBI before 9/11. Democrats in the Clinton administration (94) allowed the selling of important defense technology and secrets to the Chinese, who are now engaged in a massive military buildup. Estimates are that (95) 10,000 to 20,000 terrorists were trained in bin Laden's many camps in the years before 9/11. Oil is also vital for our national defense. In 1952 we produced 93% of the oil we consumed. Now we depend on the Mideast and others for 66%. Democrats have been largely responsible for this because they have blocked all efforts to drill in Alaska and certain offshore areas estimated to contain 10 billion to 20 billion barrels of crude. Democrats (96) in Congress condemn current efforts to intercept terrorist phone calls, to mine data to ferret out future attacks against us, and to trace the movement of terrorist money through banks. All the while they want special treatment for enemy prisoners captured on the battlefield. This helps the enemy and undermines our troops in the field. We're in a war. Something always goes wrong in a war, and our military leaders have made mistakes in Iraq. But quitting and leaving would amount to defeat for the U.S. in the global war on terrorism and create chaos. Quitters never win. Here's the problem: America needs two strong, sound political parties. As far as domestic policy is concerned, it really doesn't make much difference if Democrats or Republicans are in power. Ours is a free, entrepreneurial society where anyone can do anything he or she wants if they have a positive attitude and the desire to work, learn and achieve. Ambitious people come from all over the world to take advantage of this tremendous opportunity. This is one reason our economy is so resilient, continually bouncing back from periodic setbacks, driven by new inventions and achievements. However, (97) when it comes to which party has proved more capable in acting to defend and protect Americans from foreign enemies, there is only one choice. From Johnson to Carter to Clinton, virtually all the defense policies and decisions made by Democratic administrations have been unsuccessful. And in many cases, they have unintentionally but materially increased the danger to our national security and the safety of all Americans.

...See What's Become Of Me

2006-11-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

Original release date: November 6th, 1967 from Simon and Garfunkel. Bangles release date: November 6th, 1987. It's not important to say why I'm posting this.

Lazy River Youtubing

2006-11-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

Since I haven't had a decent CD to download in the last few weeks, I figured I'd try something different. Most bands put out their CDs in the spring and summer in support of tour that will make its way across the country over the following 6 months, so for someone like me that relies on usenet for free music, the selections are pretty slim when trying to find something I want. Jumping away for a moment, I do have a question about what I see on usenet right now: What the hell is Apris or Ibiza music? And who the hell listens to that crap? Is it a Euro-trash thing? My God, how much techno/trance can you take before your head explodes? What a beating! From Wikipedia: Wiki this! There also exists a genre of trance music named for Ibiza dubbed Balearic Beat, similarly to the way Goa trance is named for Goa, India. The style tries to reflect the atmosphere of Ibiza, and listeners often say they can see a Mediterranean sunset when they hear its euphoric, uplifting melodies. The atmosphere is brought on with the use of synthesized string instruments, the sound of waves, mandolins and guitars, and wispy vocals. Back to the subject... Since nothing new is coming out in the near future in terms of music that doesn't suck, I've decided to do a bit on music that I liked while I was growing up. The first video is U2's All I Want Is You from 1988's album "Rattle and Hum", the follow-up to their ground-breaking "The Joshua Tree." The song I'm zeroing in on is a marked change from the rest of the CD in tone and substance, and could even be considered a companion piece to Joshua Tree's Red Hill Mining Town. The video plays like a Federico Felini film that actually makes some sense. Shot in black and white, and dealing with circus performers, the song takes on love from afar that can never be realized. Some interesting commentary can be found on the Youtube site with people offering up varying opinions on the meaning of the video. From Youtube: Great song and video. The video is about lost love, the dwarf was in love with her and was going to ask her to marry, he went into town and bought a ring and while gone, she fell and died. The part where he falls is a dream sequence where he wishes he could go with her. But reality is he has to see her buried, as they are covering her up her gives her the ring he wanted to give her in person. and: fuck. had never seen this video before. now that i have it kills even more. this is one of the only u2 songs i like. 3:20 onward kills. when bono screams all i want is... you. Or the humorous: I think the guy was knocked off by the dwarf and he's coming back for the babe having gotten his foe out of the way! Clever little fella. and: maybe the dwarf survived and the woman died coz the woman caught him and cushioned his fall? I tend to agree with the first Youtube comment, and Bono screaming at the end reminds me (in a small way) of Brando yelling "Stella!" from "A Streetcar Named Desire." I love the song, and it gives me chills every time I hear it, but I never really thought about the video. The cinematography and performers are a perfect fit for the story. The looks passed between the two while sitting at the table speak volumes, and based on the first comment above, gives me a little more to think about.

All Hallow's Eve Stuff... Or Halloween Stuff For Those Thinking "What's A Hallow's?"

2006-10-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

The mystery... The magic... The sweet freakin' high from sugar filled candy that kept me strung out for days. As a child, other than Christmas, my favorite holiday was Halloween. What other night was it acceptable to go up to a stranger's house and ask them for candy? You also got to act like a wild animal for a few hours and nobody cared. It's a shame much of the innocence has been lost. Many opt for "safe" parties at churches or youth oriented organizations instead of taking the chance that little Johnny will get a razorblade filled apple.

It also seems that Halloween has been transformed into just another opportunity for adults to get their drunk on at parties. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I remember so clearly in my youth that Halloween was a day (and night) set aside for the kids. The great thing about Halloween this year is having my own home, and actually wanting to stay there and hand out chocolate to the kids. Now where did I put those razorblades...? Yes, I'm kidding. Before I get to the "treats" of this post, I'd like to offer a breakdown of the history of "feed me candy for dinner" night.

The name Halloween is Scottish in origin and is short for "All Hallow's Eve," the night before "All Hallow's Day," or All Saint's Day. That day was set by Pope Boniface IV to honor the Catholic saints, and also to replace a Roman pagan festival of the dead (which had been held in late February, the end of the old Roman year). Later, Pope Gregory III changed All Saint's Day to November 1. By the time Christianity came to the British Isles, local folk had already been celebrating their own festival of the dead on Samhain (November 1, the Celtic new year). According to author Jack Santino in "Halloween and other Festivals of Death and Life" (University of Tennessee Press), "Many traditional beliefs and customs associated with Samhain, most notable that night was the time of the wandering dead, the practice of leaving offerings of food and drink to masked and costumed revelers, and the lighting of bonfires, continued to be practiced on 31 October." In other words, the Christian church incorporated local Irish, Scottish, and Welsh pagan traditions into one of its own holy days. Just as the old fertility symbols of the rabbit and the evergreen tree became parts of Easter and Christmas, so have the symbols of the end of the fall harvest season and the coming of darkness become parts of a modern western-world celebration.

Gotta love my ancestors for starting up a holiday like this. Now, the treats...

1. I’m wondering what parent would let their son go out in this... Unless they are from San Francisco. I can see it now: Little Johnny... The real San Francisco treat... Or would he be a "trick?"

No need to x-ray little Johnny's candy since the only treats he will get wearing this costume will be bottles of Astroglide, scented love oils, and phone numbers from guys named Chaz and Trey.

2. Practice your pumpkin carving skills before getting all that crap on your hands.

The great thing about pumpkins is you can eat their brains

3. Find the horror/scary movie titles shown in the picture at the link below. Click on a section of the picture and type in the correct movie title. Example: The eyes on the side of the hill would be: "The Hills Have Eyes." Be precise with your spelling of the movie name or it will say you're wrong. Answers are at the bottom of this post.

M&Ms don't taste like brains

4. How about Zombie Streisand? Sorry Kelly. It fit the zombie theme.

Evil Games

5. Kill the zombies.

I'm going to rip off your head and crap down your neck... Then I'm going to eat your brains.

6. Bill is a demon that enjoys eating tortured souls... And Bill gets very hungry.

Bill apparently doesn't like brains... Just the fleshy parts of damned souls.

7. Evil zombies and their need for brains.

Protect you home from, what else? Brain eating zombies.

8. The award for most tasteless costume, and all-around asshole goes to Bill Maher for dressing up as Steve Irwin. Here's hoping a similar fate of being dismembered, disemboweled, or shanked with a lead pipe befalls Bill before the year comes to a close.

Answers for the movies in link #3: 1. 12 Monkeys 2. A Clockwork Orange 3. Alien 4. Beetle Juice 5. Blade 6. Blue Velvet 7. Butterfly Effect 8. Candyman 9. Creature From the Black Lagoon 10. Children of the Corn 11. Childs Play 12. Dark Water 13. Eraserhead 14. Friday the 13th 15. Halloween 16. House of Wax 17. Jaws 18. Nightmare on Elm Street 19. Pirahna 20. Pitch Black 21. Pumpkinhead 22. Psycho 23. Rear Window 24. Rosemary's Baby 25. Saw 26. Scream 27. Se7en 28. Signs 29. Silence of the Lambs 30. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 31. The 39 steps 32. The Birds 33. The Crow 34. The Dead Zone 35. The Fly 36. The Grudge 37. The Howling 38. The Hills Have Eyes 39. The Invisible Man 40. The Leprechaun 41. The Lost Boys 42. The Mummy 43. The Omen 44. The Ring 45. The Shining 46. The Sixth Sense 47. The Village 48. The War of the Worlds 49. Twin Peaks 50. Wickerman

Happy Halloween everyone!

Dear Rooster Cashews, My Boyfriend Will Not Stop Farting In Bed. What Can I Do? Signed: Gas Mask In Greenville.

2006-10-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

While checking email at my Hotmail address the other day I came across one of those worthless "news-bites" they have right before you enter the main page. Usually it's some fluff piece from Men's Health, or Cosmo, or a writer employed at MSN that can't find a job in their chosen profession of cleaning toilets after finishing a day's work of programming the new Vista operating system for Microsoft... Same people. You know the type of article... "10 steps to prepare yourself the perfect vacation," or "How to get that special person to notice you." It's meant to be a simple interest story read in under three minutes that you can tell to others when you're at the water cooler after finishing your first round of slamming the boss for being a moron. This one was a "Dear Abby" type of article under the title of "Women: 7 Relationship Rules." I was intrigued because women fascinate me, and also because I have no clue how a woman's mind works. That may sound bad on my part, but think about it: How many guys can honestly say they understand how a woman's mind works? I don't see any hands in the air from the male audience, so I'll assume the answer is zero. Since they don't pass out books on the subject once you hit puberty, guys are left wondering why a crying jag is going on just because we said we liked her new pants, or why her voice raised three octaves with a reply when we say like "A" over "B." I'm clueless. And maybe that's for the best. The last thing I do is take any of the articles to heart. But they amuse me with their quick-fix answers to something that is so much deeper than a three minute help guide can answer. So, for grins I've decided to post the article along with a rebuttal of sorts. And before I go any farther, let me say the rebuttal is a joke, ok? First: The MSN piece Q: My boyfriend and I disagree on many things. We end up arguing because I feel like he is trying to one-up me. He says that he is only trying to explain why he disagrees, but I end up feeling like he's trying to make me feel that my opinion on something is wrong and that his is the better. I usually get ticked off and twist his words around and make sarcastic remarks, which does not make the situation any better. He has asked me why I would think he would hurt me intentionally, and I have no answer. How can I get past our disagreements without feeling like he's trying to blame me or one-up me? Tart. A: Dear Tart: Sounds to me like you recognize the obstacles you're putting in the way of a strong relationship. That's a good first step, since no progress can be made otherwise. It would be interesting to think about your family and if there was anyone who made you feel your opinions were wrong. Perhaps you're reacting to old stuff that has nothing to do with your boyfriend. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't advise you there. However, I do know a lot about communications and I've come up with what I call "Fair Fighting Rules." Here they are: 1. Use "I" language. The word "you" will, most assuredly, cause someone to become defensive. The minute we hear "You did this" or "You did that," we feel we are being judged and our automatic human reaction is to defend our position. The moment we become defensive, communication stops. 2. No "zinging." Many of us think a little, friendly "zing" or sarcastic remark is harmless. Not so. In fact, one of the number-one indicators of underlying conflict or negativity within a work environment or relationship is increased sarcasm. There is nothing harmless about it. 3. Don't "chase rabbits." Not sticking to the topic at hand, or chasing rabbits, creates a negative emotional reaction in others. When we don't stick to the point, the person trying to listen is first confused, then impatient and finally resentful. 4. Don't interrupt. It's not only rude, but it often creates the opposite of what we want to achieve. When we interrupt, we generally think we will end or reduce the length of the conversation, but the opposite is true. 5. Restate what you heard. We should make this tip a habit in all our conversations. If we have restated the other person's message correctly, their reaction will most often be, "She DID understand me!" Then you can move on to the next issue. 6. Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word "why." That puts people on the defensive -- and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it. 7. Stay in the today, not the yesterday. Often, when we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to throw up the past, or blame. Blaming is a judgment and automatically causes the other person to become defensive. Here's my advice for Tart. Remember what you should have learned in elementary school: Play nice, share your toys, and listen. Pretty simple stuff that goes over well in the adult world too. I should have been a psychologist. And now a rebuttal from the men: I can't wait to get angry replies from the National Organization for Women. Save your keyboard. It's humor, ok? Click the pic so you can read it.

Baseball Been Berry, Berry Good To Me

2006-10-23T14:14:00.000-07:00

Jock-strap? Check... Protective cup? Check... Cleats? Check... More bad games and useless crap? Double check. 1. Since the World Series is going on right now I figured a baseball game would be nice. I was wrong. The following game sucks. Out of 30 odd pitches at the lowest speed, I only hit two. This game reminded me why I stopped playing baseball when I was 13, and moved on to football, track, and soccer. Even real basesball was easier than this game. Think you can do better than me? By the way, it works better on higher speeds. Adjust your cup, scratch, and spit Other useless games on this site include archery, discus throwing, and garage door tennis, just to name a few. It's like the old ATARI games, but with poorer graphics. More crap here 2. Going old school. If I was still in college, I would so buy these to stick on the wall. Of course, having those on my wall now (or in college) and getting a date any time soon would be impossible. No, this in not a picture of my room. 3. Since winter is approaching, and ski season is almost here... Not that I've been in 10 years, but it's the thought that counts... A game that is just slightly better than the old skiing game that used to come pre-loaded with Minesweeper on computers. No Yetis eating you in this game, but you do have people shooting at you, and houses to crash into. Got my K2's waxed and ready 4. Someone tell Bill Cower to pull that pineapple out of his ass. Here's your chance to mess with the most constipated man in football. If you could, wouldn't you bitch slap him as well? 5. Finally, keeping the sports theme going... Before the Dallas Stars were the Dallas Stars, they were the Minnesota North Stars. I bet that pissed the holy hell out of anyone from Minnesota when the Stars moved to Dallas. Anyway, I've been waiting to post this for a while, but never really had a place for it. Since this post is a mix of stuff, I thought I'd throw this in here. Hockey smack rules. WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE. NOT SAFE FOR WORK And if Youtube craps out, here's a link to it on Google Video. Now I know why so many fights break out a hockey games

Media Time

2006-10-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

This week it's all about entertainment... Really bad entertainment. The links below are more random crap found on the net, that for the most part defies logic. How did this stuff get on the air? And yes, there are some other links with some redeeming value, (like the one I did in #4) but not much. 1. How well do you know your movies? 30 picture scenes from movies that you have to guess the title. I only got 14 correct. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore! 2. Awful commercials with videos to prove it. From the newest on television, and those from the past, to regional and national spots, and print and radio, it's all here. Taken from the site describing that damned Head-On headache product: In some ways, I feel this is too awful of a commercial for Awful Commercials. It’s kind of like playing tag with the kid in the motorized wheelchair. Sometimes I wake up at night from a dream about elementary school, wondering if that poor kid is still “it” somewhere, sitting sadly and wheelchair-bound at his computer programming job. I've fallen, and I can't reach my remote control 3. Did you know Bugs Bunny and Daffy were trying to brainwash children with hidden messages? Looney Tunes animators placed hidden jokes in the reels and no one was aware of it... Until now!!! Alright, they weren't trying to brainwash kids, they just put in a bunch of stuff that only a few people would get. Guess you have to do something to make your day go by when you're staring at 300 hand-drawn pages of Porky Pig dancing for weeks at a time just to make a 30 second cartoon segment. That's (kill your family) all (worship Foghorn) folks! 4. Create your own Indian show... Not the woo-woo kind, I'm talking about the curry and garlic type. Stolen politely from here Here's my entry: Thank you. Come again. The following video is not from the site above, but it haunts my dreams with the sheer creepiness of it. Evil kid, or midget Indian (curry, not woo-woo) break dancing. 5. Old game. Still fun. Kill some time... Kill some squares. Get your blood pressure up because you keep missing the damn ball. It's closing in on me!!!!!!!! Songs from the ghost of Christmas Past This week brings a new (not really) offering from Echo and the Bunnymen. The best of Echo and the Bunnymen: More Songs To Learn And Sing. The CD is your typical rehash of days gone by, and is nothing more than a reissue of a 1985 disc with some additional music thrown in. The original band split in 1988, but some of the group is still together off and on. I'm more partial to their Ocean Rain CD from 1984, or Crocodiles from 1980, but this CD is actually a good way to taste what the group had to offer.

I've Had Tex-Mex That Made Me Feel The Same Way

2006-10-17T20:53:00.000-07:00

I have posted some seriously strange stuff in the past... People with burping fetishes, underwear safes that hide your money, and come with fake skid-marks to ward away potential thieves, fart mats that absorb any odious fumes from the offending backside... The list goes on and on. But there is nothing that compares to the story below. Many years ago I read about how it was not advisable to "relieve" yourself in the bathroom when a lightning storm was going on. The theory was that a direct hit by lightning to any exposed plumbing could transfer the electrical discharge to your "discharge." I always thought the tale was a little bit wonky, but I had it in the back of my mind every time a storm blew through and I felt the need to expel whatever liquid was consumed earlier. Turns out the story is true... The only humorous thing I can think to say is a response from Richard Fest when talking with him earlier tonight. He thought of the line "You're Gonna Eat Lightning and Crap Thunder, Kid." That little bit of verse comes from Rocky. And I think it fits perfectly with the story. Full story is here A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body. Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at in her home in the Croatian city of Zadar when lightning struck the building. She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building. "I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body. "It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don't remember much at all." Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: "The accident is bizarre but not impossible." She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside," a medic told local newspaper, 24 Sata.

Various Clothing And Sundries For White Trash

2006-10-12T11:44:00.000-07:00

This week it's all about the disturbing things you find online, and the white trash these site's are geared to. No, I'm not talking about goat porn, NASCAR, or wrestling. I'm talking about items that no white trash slob should be without. Can't afford that signed picture of Waylon Jennings your wife has been hounding you about for years to hang beside the Velvet Elvis? Your prayers have been answered! The items below are just sad enough to make even the most wretched in society feel loved. 1. A site to purchase celebrity socks. When I checked, they had socks from Moby, a news anchor, and two other no-names. None of the above rate as celebrities in my book... unless you're from England and know who these people are... But if you want a sock worn by Moby, framed behind glass, this is a good site to fulfill that lifelong dream. I shake my head in sadness at how far humanity has fallen. Head to the "product" section for a picture and description. I'll go halves on anyone buying the Moby sock if they use it to strangle him. Here's hoping you lose whatever you buy from this site in the washing machine 2. Really bad auctions. I’m partial to the evil clown lava lamp. It's perfect to use as junior's night-light. Of course the nude ceramic salt and pepper shaker is also a must for any discerning gourmet that classifies having grits with every meal as getting their proper daily requirement of the bread food group. Some of you out there probably want this stuff, don't you? 3. Ugly dresses, tuxedos. Holy crap I feel sorry for some of you women who degrade yourselves just because a friend is getting married, and wants all the bridesmaids to wear a green and black Scarlet O’hara antebellum dress. Frankly my dear, you look like an after dinner mint 4. Need a special gift for the transvestite in your life to make him/her more appealing and shapely? Does your wife or girlfriend feel she needs a "rise behind the thighs?" Or maybe your baby's mama needs a little more "junk in the trunk" to keep that "Hip Hop Ho" look? Well look no further! Treat the person you love to a butt lift. Dr. George Lefkovits will have your buttocks watermelon round in no time. Needless to say, this site is probably not safe for work. Pictures of cheeks abound. Baby Got back, indeed. I like big butts and I can not lie, Dr. Lefkovits won't deny.... 5. How I wasted time this week. I didn't see any whales to kill. Maybe I didn't play long enough. Go Fish!

Sometimes It's All About The "O". This Time, It's All About The Punks

2006-10-04T20:40:00.000-07:00

Using "punks" in a general way... This week the links revolve around counter-culture. I should probably use the term sub-culture, since this doesn't have anything to do with Hippies, Communists, or the dirty and unwashed you see hanging around a Phish concert. 1. Apparently in the following game I’m some kind of German soccer hooligan. Set fires, throw rocks, avoid the police... You know.. just like the average European footba... I mean soccer fan.

Manchester United rules!!! Anyone who doesn't agree will taste the underside of my jackboots. 2. The little Goth girl. Have a look at the rest of the site for other offbeat toons. Death.. Despair.. Loneliness.. Admire my bleak outlook. 3. I bob my head, swirl the hair out of my eyes, and moan about my life. How to dance like a Goth. Too cool to enjoy music, I'll just stare into my coffee and ponder death. I would think Goth dancing is a joke if it weren’t for the rest of the site. How to be Goth Several items on the above link are interesting... or disturbing: News: The owner of vampirefreaks.com states on his site that “the goth scene is a very friendly, nurturing, non-violent community” How to: Big Hair: The Real Secrets. Odds and ends: The Undead Adventures of Formaldihyde Fix And best of all... Poetry of the DAMNED!!!!! 4. Despite this game, I still want to beat the crap out of mimes just because they are annoying. I consider mimes to be the parents of the Goth movement... (not really, but it fits the theme I'm going for) Pasty white make-up, always sad because no one pays attention to them... Like sedated clowns... you get the idea. Marcel Marceau is silently weeping while trying to get out of an invisible box because of this game. 5. Finally, Most Goths believe themselves to be deep thinkers, explorers of the sorrow filled world and the hidden mysteries it contains... Whatever. Here, have a look at real deep thought. A little bit of philosophy, and some junk psychology thrown in with principles of accounting 101, and you have some of the brightest minds on the human condition for over 2000 years. If a Goth cries in the woods, does anyone hear it? Ghost of Music Past This week I came across Under Construction, the early demos for The Wall by Pink Floyd. This CD is not authorized by the band, or anyone associated with them. If you have The Beatles Anthology series, you'll know what I mean when I say the songs here are the rough cuts before being polished and refined. For example: In this recording, the song Young Lust is only an instrumental, One Of My Turns sounds like Waters or Gilmour doing the voice of the girl groupie. And the most recognized song from the album, Another Brick in the Wall Part 2, doesn't have the children back-up singers, but does have Waters singing the entire song sounding as crazy as Pink was supposed to have been. The greatness behind this CD is seeing and hearing the raw version of the full album, what Waters' original plan was, and how it changed in the final product to become one of the biggest selling albums in history.

20 Years Now. Where'd They Go? 20 Years. I Don't Know.

2006-10-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

I use the title for a reason... 20 years ago I graduated high school. Before Chevrolet took Bob Seger's song and crammed it down everyone's throat as advertising fodder for their truck line, it had a special meaning for me. The summer of 1986 (when the song came out) was spent with friends from high school doing odd jobs to make money. I mowed lawns, roofed several houses, and generally had a good time. The days were spent working, and the nights were spent drinking beer at their houses, and swimming in their pools until three in the morning. Then, we'd get up and do it all over again. I remember it was hot when working in the sun, but I never remember complaining. Time may have dulled that part, but I don't think I thought about sweating buckets while standing on a roof, or bagging grass for $25 a pop. I was (to steal the title song) like a rock, young and determined. The song was special because of the video that accompanied it. You remember music videos, right? I think VH1 Classic is the only station left that plays music videos on a fairly consistent basis. The others seem to have lost that programming style. That's probably a good thing. Anyway, the video shows Seger pulling up to a train crossing, waiting for the train to pass, and he reflects back on his youth by seeing his past on the other side of the tracks. I looked, back when I was 18, at that video and wondered what would become of me in 20 years? Would I measure up to my future dreams? The answer now is yes, and no. Could it be any other? I don't think so. The young have an idealized view of life that is skewed by limited perspective. Time gives a little to you as you work toward your goals, and strips away the others leaving them in the dust. And that's probably a good thing too. Needs change. Perspectives change. Life changes. Who would want those youthful dreams now? Not me... Except for the one about being married to a supermodel... The whole reason for this melancholy reminiscence is because my 20th reunion is approaching and I realized a few months ago that I don't care. I grew up in a town just outside Dallas proper, and moved to the North Dallas area when I was 13. The friends I knew there are gone, and scattered across the country. I hesitate to even call them friends since I have not spoken to one of them since the 10-year reunion. After graduation I realized that my real friends were the ones I knew from my youngest days before I moved, and that's where my life and future lay now. I have a close-knit group that I know and call friends, and I think that's the way it should be. Youth is gone. Some of my dreams are gone. I'm still not married to a supermodel, or anyone else for that matter. But the life I have now is the way it should be, and not the way I thought it would be. I bought a house last year, and I have a great job working with my family... My dreams didn't turn out the way I expected; they turned out better. And that is more than anything I could have dreamed up at 18. The reunion is on October 20th. I think I'll skip this one instead of rehashing a past life that holds no importance to me now.

Man Law Personified Via The Restroom

2006-09-29T18:55:00.000-07:00

What can I say? It's all true. Learn it! Live it! Use it!

Link And Ye Shall Find

2006-09-28T08:33:00.000-07:00

I got nuthin' this week. Although I will say one more time that working from the house is so choice, it makes me wonder why I didn't try this 5 years ago. Anyway, links to useless activities follow... 1. A game for your daughter

Protect the egg!!!

2. I have one of these, but I call it a towel.

Where's Towelie when you need him?

3. I need this to sit in the back window of my car. Watch the birdie

4. Everything you didn’t want to know about presidential health: Anal polyps to oily discharge... It's all here.

Ask not what your polyps can do for you...

5. Become an organ donor with your motorcycle. Pretty good time killer.

I better not hear anyone singing Born to be Wild. Got it?

6. Richardfest sent me the following link. I started watching, and waiting, for some type of condemnation against the Hippie generation... It didn't happen. Oh well. I've never been much of a Billy Joel fan, but I do appreciate how talented he is... Except when he's driving in to trees. The link below actually helps with many of the questions I've had about the song by answering, "What the hell did he just say?" in flash animation.

Die Hippie, Die!

7. The final link has a twist that is so uncalled for, and caught me off guard that I had to share it. I was not prepared for the ending. Let me be clear: The ending is so very not safe for work, I'm going to say it many times: It's a strip poker game! That introduction alone should tell you the following is not safe for work. Play now! I promise you will win! Did I also say it wasn't safe for work? It's not. This is wrong on so many levels. A Kinks reference to prepare you: Lola... L-O-L-A, Lola...

After you finish playing, think about me standing over your shoulder saying: "I bet you didn't see that coming, did you?" And please let me remind you that this game is not safe for work.

Music this week is Diana Krall's newest From This Moment On.

What else can be said about Krall's piano and vocal ability..? Not much that hasn't been said many times over. Consider her a female Harry Connick Jr. with talent and looks to spare, and you have all you need to know. A beautiful voice on classic covers of the rich American Songbook marks this CD as more than just another pretty face belting out standards ala Rod Stewart's recent attempts. The CD really makes you wonder what it was like in the 50's and 60's to head out on a Saturday night to a club for dinner, and an evening of Jazz. A solid effort that is perfect for this time of year.

Home, Sweet Home

2006-09-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

I now work at home… Suckers. Somehow I talked the family into letting me work from the house. A new fax, phone lines, desk, and file cabinets make me feel professional... even if I'm not. So, because I feel some sympathy for the poor souls that must fight traffic every day while I walk the 30 feet from my bed to my office, windows open to enjoy the breeze, wearing shorts, and watching television if I feel like it, I offer you the following games and strangeness: 1. I never felt like this at my office, but I'm sure many of you do. A song for the cube dweller. 2. Annoy the other cube trolls around you. Give it a moment to load (Ad page comes up first). And please turn up the volume. Exploding heads will ensue. 3. Zombie office workers. You know... The ones who take the last doughnut, refuse to fill the coffee maker even if they walk by and notice it's empty or stale, talk about you behind your back, and yes, eat the brains of co-workers... Must Kill Them All! 4. You work too much and have carpel tunnel syndrome in your wrist. To make your misery fun, you should get a mouse odometer. Just how far has your mouse gone today? And more importantly, how much closer to death are you because the pain in your wrist and neck is becoming unbearable. Pimp-A-Mouse 5. Relax! Dammit!!! Breath in... Breath out. 6. Nothing wrong with this until after the second command when you realize you are telling a person dressed in a chicken suit what to do. Then the freak factor creeps in. I'm sure many of you feel your boss treats you this way 7. A game for you Information Technology monkeys: This is the help desk. What the hell do you want? 8. Motivation? Here... Motivate this! The end times are upon us when inspirational posters start showing up in offices. Make your own poster to show your bile and discontent. How 'bout I motivate my foot up your ass? Music: The power of Usenet compells you!!! Music found via the goodness of newsgroups. This week is Evanescence's new CD The Open Door which is due out October 6th. A few simple words are all I need to describe this CD: It's the same as their last CD Fallen. Ok, with that said, let me backtrack and say this offering is a little more mature than the last, and it still has their trademark grind and heavy on the one or two chord sound. On the plus side, from the two times I've listened, it appears they have included more piano riffs and interludes. Of course they've always had that, but it seems more pronounced now. That definitely takes the edge off the standard Linkin Park/Staind/Korn banging my fist against my guitar wannabes everyone sounds like these days. Amy Lee, the lead singer, also has a set of lungs that keep the songs moving from diverse ballads that make you think "I want to kill myself" and "Why don't you love me?" to "I want to kill you" and "Let's go kill something" thrash-ups. It also helps that Amy looks like she would eat you alive if you got too close. And that's a good thing. Bonus points always go to naughty Goth girls. 3 of 5 stars. Be sure to share it with your internet suicide pact group!

Hmmm... I Never Noticed That Lump Before.

2006-09-14T12:55:00.000-07:00

Odd item: What people are looking for. I took a peek at what people were looking for on this blog today and came away with one question: "Did Angela Comer or Debra Lafave... the oh so smoking hot teachers that got caught with their panties around their ankles by having extracurricular "study time" with male students... die or become disfigured?" The reason I asked is because of the insane amount of searches I've had just for today. I'm not going to list them, but at last count, over a two day period, 30 people have searched here for information on Debra, and 2 people for Angela... Debra does look better so I don't fault people searching for her over Angie, but what's going on? Doing a quick search myself, I see that Deb finally pleaded guilty as a sex offender but will not serve time. Good for her! It would be a shame to have her behind bars to be spoiled and abused by some nasty bull-dyke when she has not yet done the nude photo shoot she needs to do. My prayer: Please don't let her wait until she's 45. To help out those who are looking, my link to Debra's and all the other "Teachers I Wish I Had" info is below. Click picture for sweet, large goodness. Leg-humping teachers Anyway... Links. The non-PC way to say it is: This week is links that really suck week. 1. It’s getting lame in herre, so make a game that blows. Bow down before my greatness in making up yet another play on words; this time using Nelly's song to make fun of him. Or don't. It wasn't that good. (For time killing only) Not to be played for enjoyment. Someone get me a Band-Aid for my face so I can look like an idiot too. 2. A game that reminds me of my childhood video games?..... This one is not worthy. Move the mouse. Find where you should move next. Die. Pretty simple really. 3. Spot the difference between the two magazine covers. I haven’t finished this game yet, but something tells me I’m going to be solicited for a subscription to Vibe and Good Housekeeping when I do. Cosmo has a great article on your man's favorite sexual position... Truth: Our favorite position is on the couch watching football. 4. Dumbass of the day is: George Scavelli. Can you imagine anyone dumb enough to send drugs through the mail? (I get my personal supply from beautiful 18 year-old Columbian virgins working as drug mules) This guy sent LSD.... Through the mail! Picture of white-trash-mullet-wife-beater-mustache-freak included. Gimme drugs... Gimme drugs... 5. I can't bring myself to post completely sucky links, so here's one I enjoy. Get in my belly? Now you're cooking with gas. Musica? Repeten usted... This week is all about Charlie Sexton. Guitar greatness at the age 12, Charlie had help in his "musical learnin'" from Texas Blues icons Stevie Ray Vaughan and Joe Ely. A name brand by 16, he got to play with some of the biggest performers in music. This CD slows things down a bit from the Blues he is known for, and goes more toward a slowed, rainy Sunday style. It's a nice change for him.

Do You Remember?

2006-09-08T06:42:00.000-07:00

No humor and odd links this week... The following photos, cartoons, words, and whatever else I've thrown in randomly, is done on purpose. It's a jumbled mess to demonstrate the chaos, shock, and anger, not only of 9/11/2001, but also for the hundreds of other mindless, insane attacks over the past 20 years that are usually preceded by a scream of "allah akbar" before the thumb presses down on the detonator. While 9/11 should be set aside for remembrance, we should also understand what we fight, who we fight, why we fight, and that there are others out there who face this threat daily even more so than we do in America. The photos and rants below are not only for remembering 9/11/2001, they also show that we are not in this alone, and that if we ever turn our backs for a moment, our way of life, our freedoms, and our very lives can be forfeited. Some people have a strange idea that you can reason with wild, and rabid animals. Wild and rabid animals usually bite or kill. Nick Berg, and many others like him, found that out the hard way. Everyone knows the only way to deal with a wild, rabid animal is to have it "put down" so it won't get up again. How easy it is to forget, and make wild leaps of the imagination to conclude what happened did not happen, and what did not happen is now "fact." Academics are claiming 9/11 was an inside job. Around 75 top professors and leading scientists believe the attacks were puppeteered by war mongers in the White House to justify the invasion and the occupation of oil-rich Arab countries. In essays and journals, the scientists are giving credence to many of the conspiracy theories that have circulated on the internet in the past five years. He (Stephen Jones, a physics professor at Brigham Young stevejones@byu.edu) maintains jet fuel does not burn at temperatures high enough to melt steel beams and claims horizontal puffs of smoke seen during the collapse of the towers are indicative of controlled explosions used to bring down the towers. They believe a group of US neo-conservatives called the Project for a New American Century, set on US world dominance, orchestrated the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to hit Iraq, Afghanistan and later Iran. Strange... Being a Libertarian/Neo-Con myself, I thought I'd be filled in on bringing down the towers and part of the Pentagon. It's sad others believe in such fantasy when you have so much proof backed up by structural engeneers saying that what the final report concluded is really the truth... Now we have some idiot professor who works for 5 hours a week, and spends the rest of his time jerking off in his office while fantasizing on some new theory about little green aliens mascarading as Republicans, and the atomic makeup of a vagina. Come to think about it, I'm sure the last time he saw a real vagina was the day of his birth. And although I hate to do it, the jag-off's website is here, complete with nutty pictures and his "theories." Hopeully, someone from the Project for a New American Century takes him out before he gets too close to the real truth. What a dumbass. Also, here's a list of a few of the nuts that support him, and for some reason still have a teaching job: Frank Carmen (AM) Physics Ph.D., BYU Scott Daniel (FM) Physics and Astronomy, BYU Jeffrey Farrer (FM) Physics/ Materials Science, BYU Eric Hermanson (AM) Engineering Physics, Nuclear Engineering, Software Architect Steven Jones (FM) Professor of Physics, Brigham Young University, co-chair of S9/11T and the creator of its home page and its forum Peter Meyer (AM) Computational physics, computer programmer, software developer, creator of the Serendipity web site (www.serendipity.li) and of the Hermetic Systems web site (www.hermetic.ch) If you'll pardon me for saying it this way, There are some seriously sick assholes in this world, and most of them appear to work at the university level. ***Update*** 09/08/2006 Looks like BYU is taking some heat for this idiot. The only real problem is him being on "paid" leave to continue his "research" and more than likely carrying on coversations with inanimate objects. At least they recognize he is a liability. Story in link below. Take a hike, dumbass. "Physics Professor Steven Jones has made numerous statements about the collapse of the World Trade Center. BYU has repeatedly said that it does not endorse assertions made by individual faculty. "We are, however, concerned about the increasingly speculative and accusatory nature of these statements by Dr. Jones." The university added, "BYU remains concerned that Dr. Jones' works on this topic has not been published in appropriate scientific venues." It is rare for some in Dr. Jones' position to be under review because he has taught at BYU for more than two decades. He began his career at the university in 1985 and has been known for his cold fusion research. Other professors will teach his classes while he's on paid leave. He will be allowed to conduct research in his field but the university is reviewing his actions. Remember what really happened that day. For the conspiracy nuts, you'd think the facts would shut them down, and simple proof would be enough for the retards to understand. Sadly that's not the case. No matter how much proof you show them, they still want to see evil government cabals and cover-ups around every corner, instead of admitting radical islamists were behind it. Here's the breakdown in 5th grade English so even the most mentally challenged out there (like the fools listed above) can understand: On September 11th, 2001, 19 (islamic) men hijacked four planes. Two of the planes hit the twin towers of The World Trade Center in New York City, causing their collapse. The plane and building's destruction killed over 2,500 people. Of the other two planes, one found a target in the Pentagon, where 184 perished. The final plane (where 40 lost their lives) was brought down in Pennsylvania because the passengers learned of the three other planes and did something other than sitting placidly while camel jockeys drove their plane into another building. Pretty simple story ain't it? It's a shame, and a dishonor to those who died, that people have to mess with it by throwing in all that black helicopter, government cover up, and UFO bullshit. Here's a link with pictures of the firemen murdered by islamic assholes. Let it load and look each one in the eyes: The brave And here's the entire list of everyone murdered that day. Click on the individual links to view their face and story: Lives cut short islam will dominate? Not if I'm around to do anything about it. There seems to be plenty of news coming out of Iraq from a group calling itself "al-quaeda in Iraq"... Given that bin-laden endorses this group... Given that they have named themselves al-quaeda... Can someone tell me how the war in Iraq is also not part of the war on terror? I'm just curious to have someone explain how the hierarchy is somehow different, and they are not one in the same. It appears cut and dry to me: Finish the job now in their country, or let it come to us? I really don't see how anyone can question that. Death cult. Explain to me why the "religion of peace" finds it acceptable to do this: For those that don't know, what you see in the picture above is the charred remains of American's working in Iraq. After being burned in their vehicle, the corpses were pulled from the car and hung from the bridge, while followers of the religion of peace celebrated. mohammed doesn't rate high enough in my book to wash the stains from my undies. A little better picture shows the animals hanging a body from a bridge. What can you really say to justify the left and center picture above? How do you compare fraternity hazing to the real atrocity of mass murder? Remember these images whenever someone complains of a koran flushed down the toilet (it never happened, but the media sure ran with it), not giving Abdul enough time to say his prayers for the fortieth time that day while he's in custody for killing innocent bystanders with the roadside bomb he set off trying to murder soldiers, or listening in on a telephone conversation between Faruk and Sayed from Syria as they plan to take out an embassy. Is there any moron that can honestly compare those "U.S. atrocities" with killing innocents, and degrading and mutilating the dead? A muslim child is taught early to be a martyr.... While a child from the Beslan school massacre struggles to live. Remember those that survived. And those that did not. 156 children dead. What kind of animals prey on children at school? Below is a video everyone should watch. Have a look. This is the face of a man who thinks nothing of killing the innocent. This is captured Iraqi terrorist Ramzi Hashem Abed who says he "...participated in the plot to assassinate Baqer Al-Hakim. We Bombed Jalal Talabani's headquarters, the Turkish Embassy, and the Red Cross, took drugs, and raped University Students who collaborated with the Americans." This is one seriously sick bastard who should have his nuts stapled to the inside of his mouth. View his video statements here. Reply to the sub-headline: "The common denominator is they are muslim. Period." Welcome to what America and the West would look like if islam prevailed. And it's not just the radical muslims that are the enemy. There are others who are nothing more than figureheads for a leftward-leaning political agenda that would put us in greater danger if we ever allow them to dictate foreign policy. The problem of terrorism usually boils down to hatred of the freedoms we in the West enjoy, hatred for the Jewish State, Western support of Israel, and Arab-Persian inability to live like normal humans because they are so screwed in the head by a religion that teaches conquest and death. Just to see what I could find, I decided to look up a little information on islam and how enlightended it is when compared to the hated and "inferior Jewish race" and the Nobel Prize. I used that because the award recognizes every nationality, and is blind when it comes to religon and politics. Much has been given to us from the Arab-Persian area in terms of history and science, so let's see how they stack up when compared to the Jews in recent history. It's funny (scary, not ha ha... or maybe it is ha ha...) how far behind the Arab-Persian region has fallen since islam has taken hold as a death cult. The list below is a break down of those who are islamic and those who are Jewish. Nationality was not used when compiling the names. The difference between islam and "their enemy" The Global islamic population is approximately 1,200,000,000, or 20% of the world population. They have received the following Nobel Prizes: Peace: 1978 - Mohamed Anwar El-Sadat 1994 - Yaser Arafat Physics: 1990 - Elias James Corey: Christian Arab 1999 - Ahmed Zewail Medicine: 1960 - Peter Brian Medawar 1998 - Ferid Mourad The Present Global Jewish population is approximately 14,000,000, or about 0.02% of the world population. They have received the following Nobel Prizes: Literature: 1910 - Paul Heyse 1927 - Henri Bergson 1958 - Boris Pasternak 1966 - Shmuel Yosef Agnon 1966 - Nelly Sachs 1976 - Saul Bellow 1978 - Isaac Bashevis Singer 1981 - Elias Canetti 1987 - Joseph Brodsky 1991 - Nadine Gordimer World Peace: 1911 - Alfred Fried 1911 - Tobias Michael Carel Asser 1968 - Rene Cassin 1973 - Henry Kissinger 1978 - Menachem Begin 1986 - Elie Wiesel 1994 - Shimon Peres 1994 - Yitzhak Rabin Physics: 1905 - Adolph Von Baeyer 1906 - Henri Moissan 1907 - Albert Abraham Michelson 1908 - Gabriel Lippmann 1910 - Otto Wallach 1915 - Richard Willstaetter 1918 - Fritz Haber 1921 - Albert Einstein 1922 - Niels Bohr 1925 - James Franck 1925 - Gustav Hertz 1943 - Gustav Stern 1943 - George Charles de Hevesy 1944 - Isidor Issac Rabi 1952 - Felix Bloch 1954 - Max Born 1958 - Igor Tamm 1959 - Emilio Segre 1960 - Donald A. Glaser 1961 - Robert Hofstadter 1961 - Melvin Calvin 1962 - Lev Davidovich Landau 1962 - Max Ferdinand Perutz 1965 - Richard Phillips Feynman 1965 - Julian Schwinger 1969 - Murray Gell-Mann 1971 - Dennis Gabor 1972 - William Howard Stein 1973 - Brian David Josephson 1975 - Benjamin Mottleson 1976 - Burton Richter 1977 - Ilya Prigogine 1978 - Arno Allan Penzias 1978 - Peter L Kapitza 1979 - Stephen Weinberg 1979 - Sheldon Glashow 1979 - Herbert Charles Brown 1980 - Paul Berg 1980 - Walter Gilbert 1981 - Roald Hoffmann 1982 - Aaron Klug 1985 - Albert A. Hauptman 1985 - Jerome Karle 1986 - Dudley R. Herschbach 1988 - Robert Huber 1988 - Leon Lederman 1988 - Melvin Schwartz 1988 - Jack Steinberger 1989 - Sidney Altman 1990 - Jerome Friedman 1992 - Rudolph Marcus 1995 - Martin Perl 2000 - Alan J. Heeger Economics: 1970 - Paul Anthony Samuelson 1971 - Simon Kuznets 1972 - Kenneth Joseph Arrow 1975 - Leonid Kantorovich 1976 - Milton Friedman 1978 - Herbert A. Simon 1980 - Lawrence Robert Klein 1985 - Franco Modigliani 1987 - Robert M. Solow 1990 - Harry Markowitz 1990 - Merton Miller 1992 - Gary Becker 1993 - Robert Fogel Medicine: 1908 - Elie Metchnikoff 1908 - Paul Erlich 1914 - Robert Barany 1922 - Otto Meyerhof 1930 - Karl Landsteiner 1931 - Otto Warburg 1936 - Otto Loewi 1944 - Joseph Erlanger 1944 - Herbert Spencer Gasser 1945 - Ernst Boris Chain 1946 - Hermann Joseph Muller 1950 - Tadeus Reichstein 1952 - Selman Abraham Waksman 1953 - Hans Krebs 1953 - Fritz Albert Lipmann 1958 - Joshua Lederberg 1959 - Arthur Kornberg 1964 - Konrad Bloch 1965 - Francois Jacob 1965 - Andre Lwoff 1967 - George Wald 1968 - Marshall W. Nirenberg 1969 - Salvador Luria 1970 - Julius Axelrod 1970 - Sir Bernard Katz 1972 - Gerald Maurice Edelman 1975 - Howard Martin Temin 1976 - Baruch S. Blumberg 1977 - Roselyn Sussman Yalow 1978 - Daniel Nathans 1980 - Baruj Benacerraf 1984 - Cesar Milstein 1985 - Michael Stuart Brown 1985 - Joseph L. Goldstein 1986 - Stanley Cohen [& Rita Levi-Montalcini] 1988 - Gertrude Elion 1989 - Harold Varmus 1991 - Erwin Neher 1991 - Bert Sakmann 1993 - Richard J. Roberts 1993 - Phillip Sharp 1994 - Alfred Gilman 1995 - Edward B. Lewis Anyone notice a difference between the two in terms of contribution to society? Here's some other differences that few ever pick up on: Jews are not demonstrating with their dead in the streets. Jews are not promoting the brain-washing of their children in military training camps, teaching them how to blow themselves up and cause maximum deaths of Jews and other non-Muslims. Jews don't hijack planes, nor kill athletes at the Olympics. Jews don't traffic slaves, nor have leaders calling for Jihad and death to all the Infidels. Perhaps the world's muslims should consider investing more in standard education and less in blaming the Jews and the West for all their problems. Regardless of your feelings about the crisis between Israel and their Palestinian and Arab neighbors, even if you believe there is more culpability on Israel's part for whatever reason, the following two sentences really say it all: If the Arabs put down their weapons today, there would be no more violence. If the Jews put down their weapons today, there would be no more Israel. Which brings me to the point of all this. We thought we were bulletproof before 9/11. Terrorism was someone elses problem: Russians, Israelis, Saudis, etc... September 11, 2001 changed everything, and served as a terrible wake-up call that made us to finally see what was going on with the "religion of peace" on live television, in our own back yard. I have no doubt another attack will come. It's only a matter of time. So, we must face the threat, and destroy it instead of trying to placate it. Remember 9/11/2001. Remember the soldiers who risk their lives every day to protect ours. Honor this day and those who died five years ago. Most important, remember the freedom we have that could so easily be lost if we forget.

That Was Not Leftover Fried Chicken You Ate At The Labor Day Picnic

2006-08-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

Since a long weekend is coming up I thought some games would be a nice touch. Ah... Labor Day. I don't mind getting multiple days off, but I hate where this holiday originated. For all practical purposes the day came out of the organized labor movement. While I have no problem with what they represented then, I sure have a problem with them now. I guess that will be the topic of another post since I have neither the time, nor inclination to go off on a 20,000 word rant on how the labor movement has been destroying this country's competitiveness for over 50 years. God bless the men and women that work at some of the labor intensive jobs covered by unions, but y'all really need to get your act together. Unions... another reason I'm glad I live in a right to work state like Texas instead of some union stronghold hell. For those that are curious, here's a brief history of the holiday. Work sets you free (And if you don't get the meaning behind the words in the link, Google it.) So.... Links to games A. If there are computer games in hell, only those sinners who have really pissed off God will be forced to play this. Try it only if your blood pressure is low enough to withstand the angry vengeance that rises in you every time you touch the side wall and get sent back to the start. aMAZing B. Another maze. If this game were used as a drunk test, no one would pass. Honeshly occifer... I can do this. C. Direct the bugs into the correct area. A BUG’S LIFE. I feel itchy. D. Escape from the island of large breasted women... Who the hell would want to escape? "Death by Snu-snu!" Flash game. Give it a moment to load. E. Super Mario Hip Hop? I'm waiting for Tupac to jump up and put a cap in my white ass. Boyeeeeee. Luuuigiiii F. Speaking of Mario... This game would have been better if Mario had made an appearance. I always thought both Princess Toadstool and Zelda needed a spanking. G. How many moves does it take to push the ball into the hole. It's very addictive on a slow day. Trust me. I'm playing it right now. H. Another reason I hate birds: Thank God Big Bird doesn't fly A CD, See? This week, thanks to the power of Usenet, I came across the new Audioslave CD Revelations set for release next week. I'm not impressed. I've been listening to it for a few days and it's really not growing on me. Maybe I'm getting old, because I only hear one song that I think has radio appeal. The rest feel like leftovers they didn't want to use on the first two CDs. I'm a fan of Chris Cornell and have always appreciated his voice. The guy proved he knew what he was doing on his solo CD Euphoria Morning with original strong ballads, and other songs that sound like they were ripped from a more talented version of Soundgarden. And while the previous Audioslave efforts have been worthy, Revelations seems like Cornell is doing nothing more this time around than backing up Rage Against The Machine from 10 years ago because Zach DeLaRoca is out with the flu. Since I don't have the liner notes I don't know who is credited with each song, but it appears Cornell allowed the other band members to contribute more musically this time around. Of course I don't know if that's true, but the end result on this album sounds like it. It is a talented, yet muddy mess. 3 albums from these guys in four years... It might be time to take a break and refresh the pool that brought about a great first, and solid second CD. Maybe it will grow on me in time, but right now it sounds like this pool is almost dry.

The King Of Houston And Its Surrounding Principalities... AKA: Dumbass

2006-08-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not trying to be a racist by saying this, but I miss the days when a cop could just beat the hell out of someone for no reason. Both these guys could use a good ass kicking. Here's President Joseph Charles and Senator Robert Horton speaking to the Houston city council. And just think about it... These people are actually walking the street and not locked away somewhere. video #1 video #2

Harold And Kumar Go To Lake Travis

2006-08-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pictures from the 10th annual Guyfest. Guyfest is a guy's only event celebrating beer, lake activities, farting ability, beer, golf, guy movies, beer, margaritas, poker, steak, and beer. It's also a chance for the married guys to get away from their wives... if only for three days. Here's the kitchen. That white thing on the left is the largest refrigerator I have ever seen outside a restaurant or morgue. It holds a lot of beer... or bodies, if you prefer. The view from the back of the house toward Lake Travis, just outside Austin. Looking back toward the house. Outdoor deck with bar... The first night is casual... Here's a better look at the 22-foot copper-topped bar. It's the last time it would be empty the remainder of the week. By late Thursday night, everyone finally made it to the house... And there were some who weren't officially invited, but joined us as well. Sometimes, having a few girls at the guys only weekend is a good thing. But, there's a problem with that for some... Two or three of the married guys that have no scene control had their asses chewed up and handed back to them by their wives when they got home because the picture above (along with most of the ones you see here) was sent to their "family" email address.... Since I'm not married, I don't care. So, sounding as heartless as possible, and laughing at them because of it, let me say this: Marrying whatever screwed in the head, insecure shrew they did... I'm not sorry saying: Thank God that's their hell and not mine. Honestly, it's kind of sad when a wife or husband can't trust their spouse to be faithful, even if they are only away for a few days. That probably says a lot about their marriage... (I'm sure I'll catch hell for saying that) It was fun and games each night... but it was difficult to be excited when mornings rolled around. If I could invent anything, it would be a switch to dim the sun... Margaritas, beer, steaks, lobster and wine... It's all good. Out of $300+ in food, and several hundred dollars for items to drink, the only items we left behind on Sunday were a half bag of Oreos and a six pack of Milwaukee's Best... Who the hell drinks that? And more importantly, who the hell brought it? With the exception of the previously mentioned skunk-beer brand, we know how to eat and drink well.

Looking ahead: Winterfest, in January, for NFL playoff watching may be held at my family's beach house in Galveston. Or, there's always going back to the tradition of the Whitney lake house. Vote tabulation is still going on, so vote early, and vote often.

Music for this week.

1. Tom Petty: Highway Companion Typical Petty, but an easy listen on the drive home. 2. Prince and The Revolution: Parade Good funk to wake you up in the morning. Finally, a note for James on the running joke of this trip... I have no problem with you saying you would gladly hang out with Nick Lechey. As a matter of fact, I would too. He seems like an average guy that enjoys drinking beer and bullshitting with those around him. On the other hand, you owning any CD he sings on makes you gay. (Or maybe you are a 13 year-old girl)... It makes no difference that you are married; you are in denial. You might want to try listening to some Sugar Ray, Rob Thomas or Creed to wean yourself away from Nick. From there it's a quick jump to something a little less gay like Coldplay or Nickleback. Although all the bands I mentioned are also gay, listening to them is not as gay as a dude who owns a Lechey CD... Changing your listening habits involves small, easy steps at first... That's the key. Admit your gayness and treat it now before you snap and run off to Vermont with a 20 year old Laotian boy. Nuthin' better than busting someone's chops for their error in judgment admitting they listened to Lechey... And liked it. Links, and other juvenile nonsense will continue next week.

Kickin' It Commie Style. Fun Links For The Masses.

2006-08-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

Two general reasons for spotlighting Communism in this post... 1. I'm headed to Austin Wednesday through Sunday for my twice a year guy's only weekend. The other guy's weekend is in January for NFL playoffs. Basically it's a bunch of guys (most of us have known each other the majority of our lives) getting together to drink, eat, play golf, drink some more, etc. Usually we head to a friend's lake house in Whitney, Texas. (Cue banjo music: More people in Whitney are named Cletus and have Confederate flags per square foot than any other place in Texas.... That may or may not be true, but it seems that way.) Whitney is a good place for 6 guys to play on the lake, or golf on a 18-hole goat ranch, but this year is the 10th anniversary of the summer weekend and it was time to kick it up a couple of quads per channel. The invitation list has also expanded to 10 people, so it only seemed fitting that we do it right. Here's a look at where we are staying. Cove Haven Besides the main house that sleeps 8 comfortably, it also has a enclosed floating dock house that sleeps 4 with a sliding panel in the floor that allows you to fish from the living room. My concern is having too much to drink, forgetting to close the panel, and falling through in the middle of the night. This should be interesting, and I may change my mind about staying in the dock house. Anyway, back to the point of all this... With the possible exception of San Francisco (Berkeley included), Seattle, and New York, all of New England... I doubt there are many places more liberal (ie: communist/socialist/nanny state) than Austin, Texas. It's a beautiful place... Pictures to prove it can be found here, here and here. (You will want to check out the first link although it may not be safe for work.) Austin is also home to the University of Texas, as well as the capital... ...but, because the hippie/socialist/communist/anarchist/and all around dumbass quotient is higher in Austin than any other Texas town, the following shirt should be required dress for me when I visit, as a counter to the usual Che shirt: Concerning real Che t-shirts... WTF is it with you moronic college punks? You think it's cool to wear a murdering communist icon? I understand celebs wearing this shit; they're unbelievably dumb, but those of you in college should be just a little smarter than they are. I can tell you, and I believe this with all my heart (not to mention the number of killings on record committed by him or for him), Che would have sliced you open from ass to mouth like a gutted trout because you, as a member of the ruling class, would have been his greatest threat. Think about that before you open your hole saying anything about Che being cool. End of mini-rant. So, we're heading into Hippieville, where the links I have below would be welcomed with open arms. That is reason number one for the anti-Communist diatribe. 2. The second reason I'm posting commie crap is because Castro isn't dead yet even though he should be. The SOB probably made a deal with the Devil. How else can you explain him lasting as long as he has? Here's hoping they drag his body through the Havana ghettos behind a goat cart when he dies. Fidel and Che had a dream... That dream was to build a worker's paradise for the good of all. The only problem with their plan is anyone that disagreed with the direction they wanted was, at best to be thrown in jail until they died, or at worst, tortured until Che got tired of listening to them scream, and he had them shot. Communist dictators are great people, aren't they? To honor that dream (nightmare) I offer the following: A. The greatest explanation of how Communism works I've ever seen. It's a flash game in cartoon form so even the dullest commie wannabe can understand. It takes time to load, but is by far better than anything I've ever seen in conveying the hopelessness of lives under communist rule. If you want to watch something that will make you feel so utterly cold and empty while giving you a life lesson you will never forget, this is it: Comrade, you must bring in the tomatoes for the good of the Proletariat! On the above game the goal is simple: Bring in the tomatoes from your collective veggie garden and press the tomatoes into soup/paste/whatever before the pigs eat everything you've worked for. And always remember this quote from Animal Farm while you play: ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS. I had to include the picture above. He'd make a good Napoleon from Animal Farm. If he ever did a remake, I assume his ending would have the animals living together in peace and harmony. Б. Depressing Gulags? I Can’t wait! FYI: The following flash video is called Pustota. Pustota means "Emptiness or Wasteland" in Russian. Pustota В. Negative Utopias? You bet! Remember comrade, all property belongs to the state Г. Original site for the two above is here. Д. Now a game to bring you out of your funk. Escape from the dungeon Russian Cyrillic alphabet in place of numbers used on purpose so the Communists feel included. Everyone have a good weekend. I know I will.

It's Just A Link To The Left... And Then A Link To The Right...

2006-08-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

With your hands on your hips You bring your knees in tight But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane, Let's do the Link-Warp again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -Variation on The Time Warp. Variation on rabbits doing Rocky Horror I'm so sorry...........-variation on an apology Now, on to business. 1. The last thing I’d want staring at me in the middle of the night. Check out the galleries. Mom? Why does Great-Grandma have fangs? Animated .gif sample here, if you're too lazy to plod through the site. 2. What is it with the British and toast? My only reference point being Wallace and Gromit, and the link above, leads me to wild generalizations, but it seems there is a fascination with toast in the UK. Here's a brief story behind the site: Toast in the Post was an idea developed in a University flat deep in the heart of Birmingham. With a piece of toast being left in the toaster by a flatmate AGAIN, it was decided that the best way to make sure the housemate recieved the toast he ordered from the toaster was to stick a stamp on it and post it back to the flat. There's only five or so people in the world that will get what I'm about to say. And that's good because it happened at college, and late at night. That thing is: "Blueberry muffins... Have one." Nobody else needs to know what it means or why it was said, but if you ask nicely I might tell you. I just said it so those five people will get this picture: I can see two college guys in their apartment (probably playing Super Mario) saying: Roomie #1: "Let's mail the toast to the other roomie... Roomie #2: If we do that.... It will be like... Toast in the Post... (a big smile slowly speading across his face) Roomie #1: Dude... That is so going to happen!" To those five mentioned above I say: Richard giveth, and Richard taketh away. Amen. 3. I can’t argue against the cuteness factor of the next site, but I’ll be damned if I’m paying $6 for this. The product works on the same idea you had as a child, that after your dog licked your plate, it was clean. Sticking with the cuteness... More puppies! I know.... After you check the link, you'll come back saying: "It's not that cute. It's bizarre Japanese fish-eyed photographs of puppies." To which I'll say "Yes, but it's over 100 bizarre Japanese fish-eyed photographs of puppies." Puppy love 4. I wonder if there's a nasty term for people who fly planes into buildings, or plan on blowing up several in mid-air like the animals that were just busted in England? (May they all die via the full length of a 5 foot razor wire being shoved up their ass and removed through their mouth.) Here's one term to describe the assholes as used in a story for ABC news. It's not derogatory in the context of the story. However, I do find it amusing. 5. I didn’t realize I had an 8.5 inch penis, but if they say so: Can you swing 'em to and fro? Seriously? Of course I'm bigger... What?... You think I'm not telling the truth? Music? Yes, music! Straight from my CD player this week driving to and from work. 1. Cotton Mather: The Big Picture If the Beatles had a love-child with David Bowie, this is what that union would produce. Rubber Soul and Ziggy Stardust... Not a bad combination. 2. Gigolo Aunts: Flippin' Out It's general guitar driven rock. Listenable, but not fancy. They've been around for 20 odd years so you'd think they'd have a hit, or failed by now. To their credit (or inability to grow up) they keep plugging away.

Separated At Birth? Or The Same Person?

2006-08-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Marilyn Manson And... Christina Aguilera Discuss amongst yourselves. Odd links to follow later today or tomorrow...

No Catchy Title Yet

2006-08-03T06:51:00.000-07:00

I am honestly impressed with the video above. The song ain't too bad either.

The band (OK Go) also has a contest running to make your own video. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are really bad.

Contest videos are here

Ok Go website

Now... Links for your childish enjoyment. 1. Seems I’m not alone at being alone... Send a message in a bottle, or add to a message in a bottle you find. Walked out this morning. Don’t believe what I saw. A hundred million bottles washed up on the shore. -The Police: Message in a Bottle The above website is a genius idea, but the frequency of bottles that wash up on your shore depends on how many others are playing at the time. So you may get a bottle every minute, or nothing for 30 minutes. And some bottles come in damaged, so they are worthless. It also helps to have Babelfish up and running just in case you get a bottle from Russia, S. America, etc... and whatever they've written is a jumbled mess.

It's worth checking out if only for 15 minutes. All I need now is a volleyball named Wilson to place on my desk and I'm set. 2. Annoy the nerd... More specifically: Annoy the Dragon Quest nerd. You decide the best way to annoy this live action character. See how much you can piss him off. (Takes a while to load, but I found it worthy.) I'd beat him with a +5 staff of stupidity if I could find one.

3. This has to be against the law in most states, and a little creepy if you want to know the truth. And just because I'm posting it doesn't mean I’m saying you should do it... (Does that cover me for being liable?)

I know who you are. Star 69... Not this time.

Now I got that damn REM song in my head. 4. A very unfortunate name. Good thing it’s a woman: At least I think it's a woman... Careful!! She may be hiding a "package" down there...

5. Silly walk generator. (Python fans know)

Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it.

6. Like the "Crab People" point and click game I posted a while back, only rendered better this time. It looks a little like Davey and Goliath if they had been made on the computer instead of the odd synthetic play-doh-esque substance. "Where's the money? Don't make me keep bitch slappin' you!"

Oh Davey!!!

7. Sweet Lord baby Jesus... Using such web video luminaries as Leslie The Gem Sweater Girl, The Tron Guy, and The Peter Pan Guy, this site tries to tell me about the issue of web neutrality... The only point I get after watching the video is how much more gay you can become by listening to Madonna music, and living in your parent's basement past the age of 20.

These people frighten me.

So gay it's Brokeback Internet Gay.

Two very good CDs this week. Ok, actually one great CD, and one that helped me remember my youth: 1. Rubyhorse: Goodbye To All That

Think U2, with The Alarm and Oasis thrown in.

2. The Valley Girl Movie Sountrack

Milton Goes Postal?

2006-07-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

Before they move your desk to the boiler room and take your stapler. Here are a few links to occupy your time in CUBE HELL!!!!! 1. Now I know why Kurt killed himself. Courtney played this to him over and over and over..... God knows I'd kill myself too if I heard someone doing this to my music. Or maybe Courtney said "Hey, Kurt. You wanna shotgun?" And Kurt thinking of the other ways that term is used, grabbed the gun by mistake and blew his head off? Just a thought. 2. Tetris/Breakout/DigDug??? I don't know. With flowers... and stuff... Decent time killer. Flower Power 3. Newspaper headline generator. Make up your own BS story. Make up your own news. It's kind of like real newspapers if you think about it. 4. Pilot this air france jet and keep you passengers happy. Or, just be like the real french and surrender. s'enfuir! s'enfuir! (Babelfish it if you don't get it) 5. Stick figure Grand Theft Auto? Why not? Hint: Just because you see a stick figure in your scope sight holding a gun, it doesn’t make him the bad guy. Read the briefing before each segment. John Lee Malvo Agrees: Headshots rule. and more!!! WW2 Stickmen with GTA tendencies? Works for me. Kill the nazi! and a slightly updated version: Kill 'Em All (Metallica reference, but it works here too) 6. Sudoku Sushi? I gave up math after I graduated. Why people wish to stretch their brain in such a manner is well beyond me. Ancient Chinese secret... 7. Musical trivia from hell. Not the ordinary "Who was the fifth Beatle" stuff. Give me the last name of the artist responsible for the Woodstock poster. And from there it gets hard. 8. PETArds will love this one: I want mine extra spicy! Tasty Cajun-style wings. Musica! Musica! Musica!!!!! God, I loathe the guy above. You'd think after all these years of listening to Mexican/accordion oompa music, he would have taken Cobain's way out..... You'd also think that Mexican television in the year 2006 would be more than soccer, bad soap operas, and the shitty variety shows America gave up on 30 years ago.... You'd be wrong. The above doesn't make a lot of sense, but it brings us full circle from the Kurt Cobain reference at the begining of this post, to the one I just mentioned above. Tied things together pretty well, I think. In the CD player this week: 1. Mazzy Star: So Tonight That I May See. 2. Ray Charles: The Ultimate Collection. 3. Los Lonely Boys: Sacred.

I Want To Be Back In Estes Park

2006-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

Vacation pictures suck if you are the one having to sit through them. So please enjoy. July 10, 2006. Dallas, Texas temperature: 100 degrees. Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado temperature: (with wind chill) 34 degrees A look out my front door. (Rock Mount Cottages) Inside my place. The Stanley (AKA: The Shining) Hotel. Estes Park, CO. Alberta Falls, Rocky Mountain National Park. Me with RichardFest's youngest son toward the top of Alberta Falls. Not an easy hike if you're out of shape. Thank God for treadmills. The dancing girl from the deodorant commercial. Vacation photos are always better when you throw something like this into the mix. And sweet Lord in Heaven, here's a website with the video, the outtakes, and the ability to mix your own version. When she's hot

More Fun Than A Clown Car On Fire............. With Burning Clowns Included.

2006-07-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

My vacation went very well. I'm back home, rested, and now sweating my ass off because it is 103 degrees in Dallas. Pictures of the trip will come later. I have nothing fancy to offer today, so how about a few links to occupy your brain? 1. The drugs are working overtime now. I like conceptual art... I just don't understand it. Point. Click. Drop Acid. Point. Click. Drop Acid... 2. Dude... It’s not a "bong"... It’s a “water pipe.” “Bongs” are illegal. I just want to know how he planned on sealing all the air holes A skull? How F'd up is that? It would have been so much simpler if he had gone here for a diagram on how to make a bong out of a Pringles can. Granted, a Pringles can doesn't hold the same rush as smoking pot out of someone's brain pan, but this guy sounds like a Jeffrey Dahmer starter kit. 3. Two “Guess the Google” type games. The first one uses Flikr for the base photos. Good time killer. The second game is here. 4. Puppy curling. I don't write the games, I just play them. Midget curling, and dog curling should be Olympic events. If it's funny to have them chase tennis balls, and watch them slide on the kitchen floor, it would be twice as much fun to watch them negotiate ice. I'm talking more about dogs chasing balls than midgets, but I guess watching a midget slide on the tile while fetching a tennis ball would be amusing too. 5. I don’t know what this is. Cool sounds, a lonely cartoon gimp, and he ends up hanging by his optic nerve? If a gimp hangs himself in the woods, does anyone care? 6. Mah-Jongg A thinking time killer 7. Acne poppin.’ I was grossed out by this, but I couldn’t stop. Once you pop, you can't stop. Only one CD in the player this week while I drove to and from work: Leona Naess: Comatised

Milestones, Vacations, And Links

2006-07-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today, July 7, marks one year of me making snide comments and posting links that I find funny... and sometimes frightening. Someone became the 10,000th visitor a few weeks back, but I was too lazy to look back through Sitemeter to find out who they were. I don't think it would have mattered since I'm sure they were only looking for links on "Teacher Sex" or "Julie Hyman" at Bloomberg Television. I guess 10,000 is a pretty good number to be at after a year, but honestly I don't care. I write the nonsense I do because I find it funny or annoying... Or maybe I do it just because I'm pissed off... Stephen King once said: when you write, "...you better do it for yourself. If you do it for any other reason, you're an organ-grinder's monkey, hustling for peanuts." That was paraphrased, but the idea is if you don't do it for you, you are nothing more than a dancing, trained monkey doing tricks for others. I do this for me alone, and because my cries for attention as a child went unnoticed. As a small celebratory fist in the air, I'd like to revisit a few old links that I am truly proud of from the past year. Humor me, alright? 1. The Today Show floats a big one. 2. Blame Bush for Katrina? Morons. 3. Hippies suck. 4. Smoking hot teacher sex. I promise you I'll get 10 hits on that subject line alone. 5. Hot nazi babes... In a few years, when they're legal, of course. (nazi not capitalized because they do not deserve that accomodation) 6. Bull penises and truck balls: 7. Jennifer Aniston is an idgit: I love this one the most, as the comment from one guy shows how completely and seriously whacked-out some liberals are when not using facts with their arguments. A thank you should also go out to a guy I've known all my life for backing me up when the kool-aid drinkers came here spouting nonsense. And to those I have met over the last year, a big thank you for all your kindness. Nods go to: Richard Fest, E.M., Peakah, S.T.M., and Lingo. Next on the agenda is my impending vacation... Actually, this will be my first real vacation in 16 years. By that I mean it will be the first time in 16 years I've taken off more than 3 days straight. Estes Park, Colorado July 9, American Flight 1361 out of Dallas July 16, American Flight 1434 out of Colorado Springs I'm posting my flight schedule just in case one of the planes crash. Then you can say, "Hey! I knew a guy on that plane!" My good friend, Richardfest, has asked me to tag along with his wife and kids for a week in beautiful Estes Park, CO. Itinerary for the week: Monday through Saturday: eat, sleep, fish, hike, golf, sight seeing, eat some more, sleep some more, watch elk stroll across the lawn in front of you like that damn moose from Northern Exposure, listen to the rain while napping, listening to the river that runs behind my cabin when there is no rain while napping, and most important... sit on the patio and read (or sleep) while it is raining. 14,256 foot Long's Peak Golf with elk on the fairway. While many of you poor souls will be driving in to work, dealing with obnoxious bosses, sweating on the commute home, and doing weekend yard work in oppressive heat, I will be content in knowing I have nothing to do if I don't feel like it. Bragging? You bet. Have a look at the weather: Estes Park right now 10 day weather For any stalkers, here's where we'll be staying: Rockmount Cottages Below are some links to keep you busy as I recharge and keep at bay, for one more year, the urge to kill those that displease me. A. Don’t pull the chain on the wall... Just a tip. Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a bad person, and she must pay the penalty! We'll have a spanking... And then... the oral sex! E. Figure this one out. I. I still don’t get it, but if you ever wondered about the “Flying Spaghetti Monster," this will answer some of your questions… ‘Course, it will create many too. A little parmesan cheese would kill it How many bands can you name in the picture linked below? Example: The Cranberries, Matchbox 20, Blind Melon, Cowboy Junkies, etc... You'll feel like an idiot when a band name suddenly dawns on you. It took me forever to guess Gorillaz. And I just figured out The Sex Pistols a moment ago. Guess that band O. Google word association. How fast can your brain work? U. 360 degree panorama. Must have QuickTime installed. Like a bug in a jar. And Sometimes Y. 1. Thank you, come again... For all your tiger and baboon needs. Apu would be proud. 1.5. European drugs must be stronger than what we have in the states. Download the zip file and enjoy. Giant walking teddy bears in the subway. 2. Maze. And I’m not talking about the R and B group. Reminds me of an old Atari game. 2.5. When you have a good story, animation is simply a bonus. And when the story has some bite to it, that makes it so much better. One more Genevieve here. 3. Love in an elevator? No. but #14 should freak you out, and make you remember it the next time you walk in to one. Fake, with just enough creepiness to keep me clicking the other movies. Lovin' it up till I hit the ground. 3.5. Reminds me of high school and college: Can you keep a table balanced while sporting wood? (may or may not be safe for work. Cartoon: fully clothed) At least he wasn't asked to stand up in class... 4. Sweaty women dancing = hot. Hell, most women dancing = hot. Guys dancing in any way, shape or form = the link below. This really needs to be on Fox or MTV 4.5. Ever wonder if that dream you had about the midgets playing poker under your bed meant anything?.... Or is that just me? The Dream Dictionary may have your answer: Silent lucidity Music that kept me sane this week: 1. Toad the Wet Sprocket: PS. A Toad Retrospective. 2. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones: Devil's Night Out. Try and play nice with the other kids while I'm gone.

...And I'm Proud Of It.

2006-06-30T06:37:00.000-07:00

1. If I could have dinner with any 5 people: My father, Leonardo da Vinci, Jesus, George Patton... and Denis Leary. Sing along with the video below. I'm an Asshole - Dennis Leary Folks I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream About me About you About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts Or maybe below the cockles Maybe in the sub-cockle area Maybe in the liver Maybe in the kidneys Maybe even in the colon We don't know I'm just a regular joe With a regular job I'm your average white Suburbanite slob I like football, and porno, and books about war I've got an average house With a nice hardwood floor My wife, and my job My kids, and my car My feet on my table And a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just ain't enough To keep a man like me interested Oh no, no way, uh uhh No, I gotta go out and have fun At someone else's expense Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah I drive really slow In the ultra-fast lane While people behind me are going insane I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, such an asshole) I use public toilets And I piss on the seat I walk around in the summer time sayin', "How about this heat?" I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's the worlds biggest asshole) Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces While handicapped people Make handicapped faces I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's a real fucking asshole) Maybe I shouldn't be singin' this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong... NAAAHHHHH! I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole) You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadilac El Dorado Convertable Hot pink! With whale skin hub caps An all leather cow interior And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby At 115 miles per hour Getting one mile per gallon Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers And when I'm done sucking down those grease-ball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side And there ain't a Goddamn thing anybody can do about it You know why? 'Cause we got the bombs, that's why! Two words: Nuclear Fuckin' Weapons Okay!? Russia, Germany, Romania They can have all the Democracy they want They can have a big Democracy cake walk Right through the middle of Tienemen Square And it won't make a lick of difference Because we got the bombs Okay!? John Wayne's not dead He's frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out "The Duke" And he's gonna be pretty pissed off You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times That's how pissed off "The Duke"'s gonna be I'm gonna get "The Duke" And John Cassavetes And Lee Marvin And Sam Peckinpah And a case of whiskey And drive down to Texas And- (Hey, Hey! You know you really are an asshole) Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song, pal? You know, the whole time I thought I was that asshole And it turns out it was him What an asshole! I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's the worlds biggest asshole) A - SS - HO - LE! Everybody!! A - SS - HO - LE! *dog barking noises* I'm an asshole and proud of it! The song has been around for about 15 years... I used to have the cassette but wore it out. I love songs that make you want to eat three steaks, and go beat the crap out of whining, pansy, tree-hugging freaks.....ahem... like Daryl Hannah. This video is not safe for work. 2. Sheep eat grass... Cough cough cough. Looks like they smoke it too. Ahh... don't go baggin' on de herb, mon! 3. Some people need to die... They should die just to make some room for those of us with a life, and second, to firm up the gene pool. Wheelbarrow strangeness 4.What’s worse than old people sex? Old, gay people sex You know the pharmacy only stocks Viagra, various lubes, and Fix-A-Dent. God help them if they get the Fix-A-Dent mixed up with the lube... 5. CDs this week: A. Bowling for Soup: A Hangover You Don't Deserve B. The Seahorses: Do It Yourself C. The Moody Blues: Days of Future Passed D. Ocean Colour Scene: Mosely Shoals

When I'm 64

2006-06-25T13:57:00.000-07:00

I look back on my life and see both good and bad, but no more, or less than anyone else. As with everyone, there are dreams left unrealized, and hopes that did not pan out, but I’ve had a good life compared to many, and I can’t complain about much. My health is good, I have a job I enjoy with my family, gray in my hair has not appeared in any noticeable fashion, and I bought a house last year. Everything is sailing along nicely. But… what I've noticed recently is time. And that’s a new experience for me. Time used to be nothing more than a marker and a place to hang dates and memories. As the years go by, the markers spread out farther, and what used to seem like yesterday has slipped to decades. Time has always seemed to be a barrier to me, even more so as a child: Q: How old are you? A: 5 and a half… almost 6. (It’s always that little extra bump in age that makes kids feel older) or Q: How much longer until Christmas? A: About a week. Response: That’s forever!!! With kids, time moves at the speed of an old man. When you pass 30-35 you begin to see time pick up the pace like a little kid on a sugar high. The question I ask myself, especially today, is what happened to the last 20-25 years? It’s all gone so fast. What is truly disturbing to the psyche is that it shows no sign of slowing. If anything, it feels as though it’s speeding up. I’m still a ways from 40, but I’m close enough to start knocking on that door. That’s frightening and comforting at the same time. What got me started on this thought process to my mortality, and seemingly impending doom, is a site I found with music videos from my youth. (i.e.: when I was 12-21) I can honestly say that I am happy with myself, and would not want to change places with a 21 year old, (God knows I wouldn’t want to be in school again) but the videos reminded me of my age. So, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to offer some videos from my youth, in an attempt to feel young again, but I know I only look like an old man wearing shorts, black socks, and sandals. And yes, I owned (and still have) most of these. But I have upgraded to CD from cassette. Flash vids. Links go directly to the site. 1. Yo! Flock of Seagulls!! Space Age Love Song: A Flock of Seagulls 2. East and West Berlin After the Fire: Der Kommissar 3. Yes and ELP members trying to stay relevant. Asia: Heat of the Moment 4. Big hair hell Autograph: Turn Up The Radio 5. Journey and Baby members trying to stay relevant. Bad English: When I See You Smile 6. The real Goths. Bauhaus: Ziggy Stardust (Kinda sounds like Bowie too) 7. I remember when Ecstasy (X) was a cool drug. I also remember having jaw-lock the next day. Hey! It was a designer drug. We didn't know it was bad. Book of Love: Pretty Boys and Pretty Girls (Tubular bells from hell) 8. Lounge cool. Bryan Ferry: Slave to Love 9. Saxy. And I love redheads. Dave Stewart is a nice touch too. Candy Dulfer: Lily Was Here 10. Nights down in Deep Ellum and Greenville Avenue. CCCP: American Soviets 11. Austin boy done good. It also helps to have Stevie Ray Vaughan as a friend. Charlie Sexton: Beats So Lonely 12. Just before he lost it for good. Hair plugs work wonders. David Lee Roth: Yankee Rose 13. Happy Depesche Mode? Depesche Mode: Just Can’t Get Enough (Always thought this sounded like Yaz) 14. One hit wonders from hell. Dexy’s Midnight Runners: Come On Eileen 15. Quite possibly the best music video ever made. Don Henley: The Boys Of Summer 16. The one song that still stops me in my tracks. Double: The Captain Of Her Heart 17. Dallas greatness. Although, she always looked like she needed a bath. Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians: What I Am 18. The first band to take metal and rap, and make it into a viable form. Linkin Park owes a lot to these guys opening the door. Faith No More: We Care A Lot 19. Heavy Goth. Fields of the Nephilim: Moonchild 20. Nothing beats Ska music for making really drunken dancing an acceptable art form. Fishbone: Party at Ground Zero 21. We didn’t know they were gay. Honestly! At least in this version you get a shot of a still attractive Melanie Griffith's ass. Frankie Goes To Hollywood: Relax 22. Hair band ballad. Giuffria: Call To Your Heart 23. 80’s backseat car sex. Glenn Frey: The One You Love 24. Killed Grunge. Guns N Roses: Welcome to the Jungle 25. Cruising music. Loved the album cover. Honeymoon Suite: New Girl Now 26. Makes me drive fast. Icicle Works: Whisper to a Scream 27. 80’s defined. INXS: Need You Tonight 28. I had this dream as a child, but usually I was the one in front of the class in my underwear. J. Geils Band: Centerfold 29. The worst video ever made. Journey: Separate Ways-Worlds Apart 30. Zeppelin-Lite. What happened to them? Kingdom Come: Get It On 31. Too much synth, but a great song. Love and Rockets: So Alive 32. Journey-Lite. Loverboy: Turn Me Loose 33. Back then, I would have… Now… No thanks. Madonna: Like A Virgin 34. Suicide anyone? Megadeath: In My Darkest Hour 35. What? Lars is going to sue me for posting this? Metallica: Master of Puppets 36. Dale Bossio. Dumb blonde in the flesh. Missing Persons: Words 37. Definition of 80’s new wave. Modern English: I Melt With You 38. Ambiguously gay. Is it just me, or did every song he sing sound the same? Morrisey: Suedehead 39. Eric Martin. More than just the song To Be With You. Mr. Big: Addicted To That Rush 40. Sweaty, hairy, European pits. Ok, I didn’t have this cassette, but I liked the song. Nena: 99 Luft Balloons 41. Techno-Ecstasy-Goth. New Order: Blue Monday 42. Get out your lighters. Now I only see the scene from Boogie Nights when I hear this. Night Ranger: Sister Christian 43. Killed hair metal. Also killed himself, but that’s a different story. Nirvana: About A Girl 44. The best voice in music. A 5 octave range isn’t too bad. Pat Benatar: We Belong 45. Better with Genesis. Phil Collins: In The Air Tonight 46. Best band ever. Unless you count the Beatles. Pink Floyd: Another Brick In The Wall 47. Best band without much recognition. Think of The Byrds with a harder beat. The Plimsouls: A Million Miles Away 48. 16 candles from hell. The Psychedelic Furs: Heaven 49. Johnny Rotten. The one guy in music I think would kill you if you looked at him the wrong way. P.I.L: This Is Not A Love Song 50. Still relevant today. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Higher Ground 51. Thankfully died a quiet death. REM: The One I Love 52. Dreams of red lipstick. Robert Palmer: Simply irresistible 53. Mud shark alert. Robert Plant: Burning Down One Side 54. He fell down without David Gilmour to back him up.. Same can be said about David too. He’s great live, but my first statement rings true if he feels the need to have 10 other musicians on stage with him when in concert. Roger Waters: Sunset Strip 55. Their last good record was Tattoo You. When was that? 1983? Rolling Stones: Start Me Up 56. One of the best harsh voices coming out of the most disturbing front-woman in music. Romeo Void: Never Say Never 57. Who needs Brian Eno? Roxy Music: More Than This 58. Before Van Halen... Sammy Hagar: Voice of America 59. Shot at Reunion Arena in Dallas… A 2 in the morning “I’m drunk and I’m going to call my girlfriend” song. The Scorpions: Still Loving You 60. Priests and cannibals, prehistoric animals, everybody happy as the dead come home. Shriekback: Nemisis 61. Bueller.. Bueller... Sique Sique Sputnik: Love Missile F1-11 62. From a 20+ year old movie that’s still viewable today. Simple Minds: Don’t You Forget About Me 63. Before their time. The Smithereens: A Girl Like You 64. Tempted is a better song. Squeeze: Hourglass 65. The best band to see live. Steely Dan: Babylon Sister 66. Asshole. See here for why. Steve Perry: Oh Sherry 67. He owned the 80’s. Sting: Englishman in New York 68. Brought rap to the white kids. The Sugar Hill Gang: Rappers Delight 69. Could have been a girl singing for all I knew. Supertramp: It’s Raining Again 70. And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. Taking Heads: And She Was 71. Thinking the world would blow up at any second... Tears For Fears: Everybody Wants To Rule The World 72. Motor City Mad Man. Ted Nugent: Wango Tango 73. Great song… And I loved the girl in this video. She has the best smile. Terence Trent D’Arby: Wishing Well 74. I would have preferred Rain In The Summertime, but this will do. The Alarm: The Stand 75. Ric married a model? There’s hope for me yet. The Cars: Drive 76. Late night driving music. The Church: Under The Milky Way 77. Mass appeal punk. The Clash: London Calling 78. Sonic Temple, Electric, and Love… Three of the best CDs I ever bought. The Cult: Rain 79. They were Emo before Emo was a word. The Cure: Boys Don’t Cry 80. She touches herself. The Divinyls: Science Fiction 81. Life in a Northern Town was better, but this has the same snowy day appeal. The Dream Academy: Please, Please, Please 82. Ska for white people. The English Beat: Mirror In The Bathroom 83. Very underrated band. Bad video. The Fixx: Red Skies 84. I’m happy to say I never bought the tape.. The Flying Lizards: Money 85. Yes, I had this. But they had something. The Go-Go’s: Head Over Heels 86. A shove it up your ass song. The Godfathers: Birth School Work Death 87. Darker than Tears for Fears. Same line: The world is going to hell. The Killing Joke: Love Like Blood 88. Always liked this song. The Korgis: Everybody’s Got To Learn Sometime 89. Martha Davis had a voice perfect for smoke filled rooms. The Motels: Total Control 90. Goth the way it was meant to be, dark, dirty, and evil. The Sisters Of Mercy: This Corrosion 91. Psychedelic new wave. The Stone Roses: Fools Gold 92. Crap pop, but a catchy hook. The Vapors: Turning Japanese 93. Aimee Mann with the rat-tail. She’s still putting out some good stuff as a solo artist. Til Tuesday: Voices Carry 94. The worst song ever written. Trio: Da Da Da 95. Coming up on 20 years for this one and it still sounds great. He wasn’t “The Fly” then. U2: With Or Without You 96. I’d give money to Africa just to get Cyndi Lauper out of this song. USA for Africa: We Are The World 97. I bet the Secret Service was all over them when this video came out. Violent Femmes: Blister in the Sun 98. Tawny Kitaen before she was a drug fiend. Whitesnake: Is This Love 99. Alison Moyet’s big voice and even bigger pant size. Yaz, or Yazoo: Don’t Go 100. One more hair band. Somebody is squeezing this guy’s ‘nads pretty hard. Zebra: Tell Me What You Want The site these vids are from is here. They have several hundred more, but these are the ones I remember watching. Call it a lame top 100 of my youth, if you will. The site may be down on some of the vid links, but they come back up. Now I'm off to find my black socks and sandals, and yell at kids to stay off my lawn.

Charitable Considerations And Musical Excess

2006-06-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

Yay!!! 1. I may have to donate money, or time to this organization. You know they are doing some good when they use your money to build a “Pleasure Hospital”, bring you “touching” testimonials via their web page, and allow you to adopt or sponsor a clitoris. The only down side is the cause is operated by the Raelian Movement. They’re the same people who said they cloned a human a year or so back. They also believe in E.T. Nasty! To sponsor that, I'd need rubber gloves and an oyster shucker. Clitoraid??? 2. Keith Moooooooooo-n When you click the link, you'll think back to the line above and realize how smart I was to come up with it. Could this Keith Moooo-n choke on his vomit like the real Keith Moon? Something to think about since cows regurgitate what's in their stomachs.

3. The pure greatness of Christopher Walken as a stick-figure from the Fatboy Slim video.

Cowbell not needed here.

4. I’m of the belief that whatever you do in a negative way to others in this life comes back against you in the afterlife. Some kind of Zen-Buddhist thing, I guess... So I’m not saying anything at all about the rat lady because I know God would put the smack down on me hard for it. Want some cheese? Then again... I believe God has a sense of humor, so laughing at this guy is alright: Umfphs medsa koojabba yah!!! Sounds like every other rapper out there today to me. I’ve said before that every band should have a “little person” to be on stage with them. So, what better way to preserve dwarfism, and promote the continuation of the dwarf line than the link below. This will ensure each band will have a small person. So we need to make sure a dwarf dates, and hopefully marries another dwarf. They, in turn, could have dwarf children. Support dwarf dating today! Every band should be as white trash as Kid Rock and Big and Rich. I'm 4'1'' tall. I enjoy very short walks on the beach... 5. There’s something really wrong in a “Bring out the gimp” sort of way when you get a penguin and a squirrel playing dueling banjos, and you also throw in Burt Reynolds, pigs, and Bo and Luke Duke. I feel violated 6. Rock and roll with a “Whack a Penguin” touch, and some Led Zeppelin mud shark thrown in: Whack an amp? This week's CDs by day 1. The Shins: Chutes Too Narrow 2. Thievery Corporation: Verisions 3. Rock Kills Kid: Are You Nervous? 4. Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, Howe: An Evening Of Yes Music Plus 5. Gnarls Barkley: St. Elswhere

Aardvarks On A Three Day Bender

2006-06-20T08:18:00.000-07:00

1. A game for your brain. “A Case of the Crabs.” Try and work through this one without hitting the hint button. Crab People! Crab People! 2. You ever heard it said “It’s not the destination, but the journey?” This game is something like that. By the way, if you make it to the piano and you can’t figure it out, the cheat code is at the bottom of this post. No description. Just play. 3. I don’t think I juiced up on amphetamines this evening... But I could be wrong. I'll stick to the tequilla. Leave the worm to someone else. 4. Since it’s 110 degrees (at least it feels that way) right now, I’m posting something a little cooler. The Snowman. A pretty good imbedded Quicktime movie. (May take time to load) Damn illegal aliens 5. The best show on television has a drinking game. Although it looks like the site where I got this belongs to a woman, since no self respecting male would be caught dead drinking apple martinis. Down two beers any time J.D. imagines the headless doctor cheat code for link #2 (lazy bastards!): 5, 8, 12, 5, 2, 4.

I'm Turning Japanese?

2006-06-16T06:55:00.000-07:00

1. Tentacle pRon, bukakke, schoolgirls in sailor outfits, and... artsy manhole covers? 5 pages of great art on manhole covers from Japan. You gotta admit, the Japanese are freaky with their sex, but this is something you wouldn't expect to see in the U.S By the way, this site goes up and down. Check it out in a few hours if it doesn't work. 2.Poetry Corner: Write a bad Haiku Maybe it will be posted On a site like this (I should post that) By the way... "Me So Horny" does not have enough syllables to be included in your Haiku. Try again. 3. For those with a lot of time on their hands: i.e.: grandmothers, inmates, or the dead, they can learn origami. I can make a chair out of a dollar 4. The next time you are searching for tentacle pRon on a Japanese server and get the dreaded 404 error, you will be more informed than your other sweaty-palmed, acne-covered anime geeks by knowing the history. 'Course, if you are all of the above, you probably know the history of everything internet because you don't get out of your parent's basement. The page you are looking for may be experiencing difficulties, or may have moved... yadda yadda yadda Just don't show this site to Al Gore. He still believes he invented the internet... And the climate... And the vice presidency... 5. And finally... Everything you ever wanted to know about Japan... Yes, even Tentacle Porn. Seriously, check out the section on tentacle porn 6. Tunes Dammit! This week... A. Aimee Mann: I'm With Stupid B. Natalie Merchant: VH1 Story Tellers C. The Von Bondies: Lack of Communication D. The Best of Parliament: Give Up The Funk

Lycanthropic Links... AKA: Links You Should Probably Wait Until Night To Watch Because They're Funnier When You're Tired.

2006-06-14T14:28:00.000-07:00

1. Gimme some mo' of 'dem. Little Girl: Daddy? What’s a modem? Dad: Well you see honey; long ago the internet wasn’t beamed directly into your head. In the early days of home computers... Little girl: A home what? Dad: Don’t ask, we’ll talk about home computers when I have a few hours. So, when the internet first began, information was scattered across the world. The only way to get this information was to connect your computer to another set of computers where the information was stored. But, computers had to talk to each other, just like we are doing, so modems allowed computers to connect with the net, and exchange information. Unless you live in the woods, there’s probably a good chance you haven’t heard this sound in a few years. 2. For all you Renaissance festival geeks: Write your own historic tale. You can shove that jousting pole straight up your ass for all I care. Just don't write about it. And for the love of God, get a life. 3. Send reminders to yourself by email... from the fuuuuttuure... Ok, so it’s really a poor man’s version of Outlook, but it works. Do you have a meeting next week? Remind yourself by an email that will be delivered on the date you request. It works, but I'd almost bet they’re stealing your email address and selling it to spammers. You 2 can have ecstra loooong members. Click here 4 big man Viagra subtitute!!! Oh yeah, you also have meeting with Abernathy Corporation to discuss their fiscal 2005 report at 3 pm. Don't be late. (yes, spelling mistakes are intentional) Always save the best for last... 4. This girl has a great gimmick going. I wonder how long she can pull it off before it gets old. And yes, I know who she really is. I'm just waiting to see if she does more, and if they bore me. I'm depressed... I mean really depressed. It's like the whole world is fading into a black void that only I can understand. 4. The net is so full of crap... and you can tell that’s true by most of what I post here. But, every once and a while something truly unique and beautiful comes along that makes you smile like a child. From the site: “The Little Girl Giant woke up in her deckchair at Horseguards Parade after another good nights sleep, took a shower from the Sultans Elephant, got dressed, and wandered off for a play in St James' Park.” By the way, the music that accompanies the video fits perfectly. The wonder of the child as a giant

I Show My Love With Links

2006-06-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

1. After viewing link #1 you will be screaming the same thing I did: "I want that 5 minutes of my life back right now!" Store Wars? Substituting "Yogurt" for "Yoda" was done in Spaceballs, but I still hope Lucas sues these granola munchers. 2. Acronyms, Abbreviations, and general BS. Want to find a better way to say LOL? Then look here: LOL!!!!1! The best part about this page is finding words you haven't heard in years. For example, you know you're old if you know what Compuserve is. Now, have a look, or you can KMA. 3. Rate my... um... kitty? I don't like cats. Well... that's not really true... Cats don't bother me. I usually get along with them pretty well, and it's rare that a cat doesn't like me. But, I'm not a fan of cat owning people. Cat's are basically evil creatures with a superiority complex brought about by centuries of weak-spined individuals bending over backwards to please them. (let's see if I can get hate mail from that) So, if you're sheepish enough to kneel to the whims of a feline, that's your problem. Enjoy the site. Just try to avoid puking rainbows from the cuteness overload. Cats steal the breath out of a baby's mouths!!! 4. Know a site that pissed you off enough you’d just as soon see it in flames, or covered in dog crap? Now live out your destructive fantasy without threats of legal retaliation, or instigations leading to jail time because of your denial of service attack. I am the a cranky haxors lololo 5. If you want a great time waster, this is it. Paint by numbers, computer style: Sorry, no clowns to paint

Art And Porn, With "Links" Like Johnsonville Brats, But No Annoying Wisconsin Nasal Accent

2006-06-09T06:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, there’s no porn, just some artsy crap. I figure the above title would draw a few people looking for porn. It’s kind of like my post below on Amy McElhenney. For those too lazy to scroll down three clicks, here’s the link: I don’t feel tardy That post alone has driven 655 people (as I write this) to the site in 7 days, looking for info on the latest teacher boinking-maybe-not-boinking one of her students. My normal traffic is about 30 visitors per day. Really, I don’t care one way or the other. I do this for me, and no one else. But it is funny seeing people scramble to a site just to see if the teacher is attractive. C’mon… You know people don’t care about her background, accreditations, or any charity work she did over the course of her life. People only want to see how big her cans are and to see if she’s attractive enough (by their standards) to say “Yeah… I guess I’d do her.” I’m also going to guess that half the people searching for pictures of her haven’t been laid in the last three years. For what it’s worth, I’m going to say the whole thing didn’t happen the way the student said. If I had to guess, and that is all this is, I’ll simply say the student was text messaging the teacher after he found her number, and the teacher was too young to understand responding to him was not the smartest thing to do, especially since he was a student at her school. Things got a little more detailed with harmless flirting like the student telling the teacher she’s been a bad girl and needs a spanking while wearing whatever Catholic Schoolgirl outfit she can quickly fit into… Sorry… That’s my fantasy… So.. the teacher realized she was digging a hole she may not be able to get out of if she continued the text messaging. With no other option left, she smacked the kid down and called off any additional teacher student fantasies I could… I mean he could have. The kid's cute spank-monkey shut him down. What can he do? The idea that went through his head was “Why don’t I turn her in for sexual misconduct? That should screw her over pretty good for rejecting me.” It sounds like the kid is a normal guy who thought he’d get more than the raging case of blue balls she left him with. Stupid and horny is a dangerous combination. I’m a guy, so I should know. So now we get to wait for a trial, or settlement, or her posing for Playboy in a couple of years. Here’s also hoping I’m completely wrong with my take, and she really was base jumping in the vicinity of his crotch. Now, on with the art. 1. There’s a lot I hate about modern art. Some punk shows up in a gallery with a bucket of warm piss and some enamel paint, and they are hailed as the next Jackson Pollock with Mapplethorpe tendencies. I don’t blame the prima donnas for milking every last dime you could get from the sheep in the art world, I mean hell, if I could mold and bronze my feces, in the form of famous guerilla fighters of South America, and sell it, I’d eat plenty of bran muffins to stay regular, and cash every check I get. But have somebody sneak in under the radar with a message, whether you agree with it or not; that I like and appreciate. It really is the thought sometimes. Please visit Banksy 2. Rave on! I’ve never been to a rave, so that first comment is meaningless. But, I’m sure if I said “Go grab your pacifier, your surgeon mask lined with Vicks VapoRub, a couple of tabs of X, and some of these, you’d get a pretty clear picture. Check out the videos of the light graffiti, then go make your own graffiti lights here. 3. And finally, the highest calling in all of art… The drink maker. Personally, give me a Shiner or a margarita, and I’m happy. But for those poorer readers that rely on trashcan punch, Jell-O shots, or God forbid, Schaffer Light and Busch, this is the site for you. By the way, Jell-O shots are only cool if consumed from between a bar maid’s boobs. Wanna taste my pudding pop? What evil has been lurking in the car CD player this week? 1. I’m back to Gomez again: How We Operate 2. Weezer: The Green Album 3. Chicago: Greatest Hits 4. Robert Cray: Strong Persuader 5. Al Green: Call Me

Brains... Brains!!!!!!

2006-06-06T10:35:00.001-07:00

No... Strange... Strange. 1. Harry Chapin is not amused. Either you get that, or you don't. If you do, that means you're probably in your 30s or older. If you don't, just Google "Harry Chapin Song." Anyway...

No MSG!!!!! But kibbles aren't bad for you.

2. In honor of 6-6-6, how about a walk with the dead? Games... Games!!!!! 3. Along the lines of "You might be a redneck if..." You will know if you are a true geek by clicking here. If after looking, you say: A. "That is the coolest thing ever." B. "Of course I knew the original had 10 Phylon-Q7 Tractor Beam Projectors, and a Seinar Fleet Systems S-s3a Long Range Tachyon Detection Scanner." C. You already have a model of the Death Star in the same material. (more than likely hanging in your parent's basement) D. All of the above. You are a geek. 4. Beware of the Muffin Tree. 5. The internet is a vast wasteland of free porn and the absurd that takes my mind off work. A good example is this. Although it's not porn, it's absurd. I'll look for absurd porn later. 6. My family ties are rooted in Shetland, Scotland... and I'm proud of them... At least I was until now..... Med Løgum Skal Land Byggja. Maybe that should read: Med Løgum Skal "Bus stop" Byggja. Ok, I'm still proud of where I'm from, but this is just strange. Welcome to Unst. Home of cold and dark. A good way to describe Unst is to say you have a pretty good chance to meet Santa if you visit because you are so far north. Anyway, a bus stop is Unst's latest claim to fame. Have a look at the snack bar and free "in room" computer. On the plus side the Scots did invent golf. You can thank me about that later. Ok, honestly it is a beautiful land, but the locals could use a little more to do. Visit and see what the island has to offer here. 7. Keeping the Scots-Irish theme going... You can learn to curse like a Irish sailor at this site or find another language to curse in here. 8. Serious geek stuff now. This is for all you people that can speak Klingon, or get hives waiting for the newest processor to come out. Get a life already, ok? 9. Time killer games. Racing hell, and other stuff 10. Save the best for last. Here's a real time waster: Pick the hottie. It goes on and on and on and on...

I Don't Feel Tardy...

2006-06-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

End of the school year for most means a chance to get away from teachers and books. For others it can mean a chance to be a little closer to their teachers if you catch my drift... So, here's a couple of naughty teachers.. Good for them! I think of all the education that I missed. But then my homework was never quite like this. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad Im hot for teacher. Numero Uno-o: Erica Chevillar. Erica is just a very attractive lady who posed for some bikini and lingerie shots to make some extra money. Everything was fine until a student at her school found the pictures and showed everyone else. There was nothing wrong with anything she did, but my real question here is how any 15 to 18 year old boy could have ever paid attention to, or concentrated on anything, while she was in front of the class. I'm sure after seeing the pictures, it's twice as hard...to pay attention that is... to anything she says now. Here's a little taste. About 25 pictures. All are safe for work. Give it time to load. My blood runs cold. My angel is a centerfold Numero Doso: Amy McElhenney. Ahhh, the sweet, sweet goodness of Texas girls. Better yet... Air-headed beauty pageant girls from Texas, who also happen to become teachers.... and, who also like to text message dirty thoughts to their students. Here's a little background: McElhenney is the daughter of Debbie McElhenney and the late Harold McElhenney. She attended Rice schools and graduated in 1999 from Blooming Grove High School. She is currently a senior at the University of Texas at Austin majoring in Spanish and religious studies. Her entire background info can be found here. And the story from The Dallas Morning News. Since I hate The DMN, I'll just post all the highlights. God knows, they'll remove the story in a few days anyway... Student alleges sex with teacher Lewisville ISD: Former Miss Texas contestant faces felony charge 11:01 PM CDT on Thursday, June 1, 2006 By BRANDON FORMBY / The Dallas Morning News A first-year Hebron High School teacher and former Miss Texas contestant faces up to 20 years in jail after an 18-year-old student told police he had sex with the 25-year-old woman several times at her apartment in Austin Ranch Amy McElhenney, who taught Spanish and was a cross-country coach at the Lewisville ISD school in Carrollton, is charged with having an improper relationship with a student, a second-degree felony. She was arrested on May 25, the last day of school, posted $5,000 bail and was released According to an arrest warrant affidavit, another student sent an anonymous note last month to Hebron's resource police officer that indicated Ms. McElhenney's cellphone contained "intimate" text messages to and from the 18-year-old. In an affidavit, a Carrollton police officer said the messages "constitute a flirtatious and endearing relationship" between Ms. McElhenney and the student. When interviewed at home, however, the student gave police a written statement in which he said he and Ms. McElhenney had sex on "numerous occasions" at her apartment. He told police their alleged relationship began in February. Numero Trace-eh-oh: Music, dammit! In my CD this week: 1. The Decemberists: Castaways and Cutouts 2. The Beatles: The Entire Final Rooftop Concert 3. Better Than Ezra: Greatest Hits (Note to music producers: Leave the remix crap on the cutting room floor, m'kay? 4. Hoobastank: Every Man For Himself 5. Faith No More: The Real Thing 6. Stevie Wonder: A Time To Love Have a nice weekend... And be sure to tell your teachers how much you appreciated everything they did for you...

In Remembrance

2006-05-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

May 29 Of my great-grandfather, who made it home... And for those that did not.

...And Here I Am. The Only Linking Boy In New York.

2006-05-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

Apologies to Simon and Garfunkel for the title. 1. This is pure genius. What better way to get people to your site, and then have them sit there listening to your music, while the "game" loads. I almost bought their CD just because I was so impressed with what they did... Well, that and the fact that Morning Wood is a great name for a band. Trust me on this one. Click the link. 1. A wet t-shirt game? Why not? 2. A day in the life of an Airport Icon Person. Sometimes the simple stuff is the best. The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only. 3. Some art. This guy is a little abstract, but not having everything shaded in and pointed out for you can be a good thing. My personal favorite is #1, followed by the subtle message in #87. Tyler Landry 4. My CD world... My seedy world? What's in the CD player this week? A. Simon and Garfunkel: Bridge Over Troubled Water B. Cake: Comfort Eagle C. Sterophonics: Step On My Old Size Nines (UK rip) D. Super Furry Animals: Fuzzy Logic

Squirrel Talk

2006-05-25T06:38:00.000-07:00

SQUIRRELLY WRATH!!! I woke up yesterday to what sounded like two or three people sitting on my roof typing very fast. It was a rapid-fire sound that really did sound like people banging away on a plastic keyboard. Normally I wake up about 6:30, but the other day my eyes popped open at 6:00 thanks to the pitter-patter of probably soon to be rabid animals. It was insane; I had these miserable bastards scurrying across my roof like some demented conga line from hell. So I pulled my ass out of bed, still not knowing what was going on. I thought it might be squirrels, but it could also be cats... And cats are just one step away from being in the same league as squirrels, so I wouldn't have been happy no matter what was causing the racket, and them taking away the sleep I love so dearly is more than I could take. As I go out on the back patio, everything is quiet and the sun is just peeking above some of the houses. A minute later, hell breaks loose. From across the alley I hear and see branches shaking on smaller trees behind a neighbor's fence. I was intrigued, so I watched. A few seconds later a squirrel takes a flying leap from the branch of said neighbor's tree, and lands on top of my fence. Three other squirrels follow in quick succession. Instead of jumping to the ground, the little plague carriers careen across the top of my fence until it meets my house. They could easily have taken a short-cut since I have a tree in the back yard that spans enough area to go from fence to house, but they seemed to behave like small children discovering the joy of a Halloween candy rush by taking the longest direction to get from wherever it was they came from, to wherever it was they were going. From the fence, all four of them make a b-line across the roof, above the area where my bedroom is, and then toward my garage. Then, they all made another flying leap that took them into my next door neighbor's yard. I was slightly amused, but it wore off quickly enough when the same thing was repeated in reverse, and they ended up back in the neighbor's yard behind me. I assume they were playing. However, play stopped at 6:20 when the BB gun came out and removed any doubt they needed to stay the hell off my roof so early in the morning. I believe "Squirrelly Cuteness" is an evolutionary device used by the squirrels take our mind off their disease-ridden carcasses, and prevents us from doing what should be done... Eliminating them through bb guns, or high doses of radiation. They shake their tail, and they scurry around, looking so happy.... Forget the evolution device... I bet rabbits taught them the tail shake. Yeah... rabbits are just as evil as squirrels... Anyway, a squirrel's nose isn't as large and pronounced as a rabbit's nose, so squirrels need something large enough to be seen by a human when they come toward it with an axe raised above their head, ready to cut it up into "Deliverence Stew." So, the squirrel flicks it's tail, looks cute, people forget about what flea motels and disease factories they can be, and they are released from the certain death they deserve. Squirrels are cute. There's no denying that. But their cuteness resides in the tail. Think in terms of a gold-digger (Anna Nicole Smith) when I use the following analogy, "Old rich men are cute, but their cuteness is all in the bank account." That didn't come out right since I'm a straight guy, but at least you can see what I'm talking about. I'm sure some 90 year old codger can be the life of the party, but would anyone in their right mind actually sleep with them? Now ask the squirrel the same question... No, not if you would sleep with one, but would the animal still be as cute if it didn't have a fluffy tail? Wouldn't it be a brown rat without the furry tail? Something to think about. One big question comes to mind... Can anyone tell me what squirrels are good for anyway? Do they serve a purpose that benefits anyone, or are they simply God's way of saying He ran out of ideas, but had a few spare parts left over, so He took a rat and stuck the tail of a Pomeranian to its ass? Here's hoping the slightly cuter than rats, but nowhere near the greatness of dogs, that survived my BB gun attack, get crushed under the wheels of any car driving down my street. Squirrelly bastards...

Yo! NBA Raps? (Going Old School For That Title)

2006-05-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

For those scratching their head on the subject line, see here. Item 1. I'm not much of a basketball fan anymore. Although I played the game religiously as a kid, I wasn't very good. I'm white, and was 5'11" by the time I was in 7th grade, so that helped. But something happened about the time Michael Jordan came on the scene (1984 or so) that made me despise the game... besides than the fact that now everyone else who played the game was as tall as me, or taller, and could dribble around me like I was standing still. Jordan was a man unlike any other, a true player with the skill to sink 3-pointers at will, take a flying jam from the top of the key, or reject whatever an opponent throw up. And he did all this without losing his composure game to game. Yes, I know there were some blow-ups, but rarely did you hear of that happening. Along with his skill, the trash followed. Maybe Jordan opened the way for true showboating, and from that point on everything went to hell in the NBA. It's a thought. There has always been some trash talk and bad boys in any sport, that's just part of the machismo, but when did it become acceptable to be a one man team?: Charles Barkley yelling at refs, fans, players, or Latrell Sprewell strangling his coach, or Ron Artest and others throwing punches at fans in the stands, Dennis Rodman's cross-dressing freak show, tattoos on almost everyone, or many others with million dollar endorsement deals, multi-million dollar contracts, and even ~~singing~~ rap CD deals. By the way, someone tell Shaq to go work on his free throws. He can rhyme and take acting lessons when he retires. But, as always, the free market side of me says they have every right to get what they can from anyone that will give it to them, in exchange for the services they offer as the player of a child's game. Everything above and beyond that is gravy for these spoiled bastards. And, being an adult playing a child's game for a living can cause adults to have the mentality of a child. That appears to have happened with most in the NBA. I'm picking on basketball because that's what season it is. Come back in four months and I'll be bitching about Terrell Owens playing for the Cowboys. The reason for the diatribe above is to get to this: Out of the teams remaining in the playoffs, Dallas is one of the less spoiled brat teams of the league. How is that possible? It is with a grudging heart that I say thank you Mark Cuban, nerd boy extraordinaire, for putting together a team and a coach the city can be proud of. The Dallas Mavericks are poised to finally go all the way. Can it happen? If not this year, more than likely the next. They've shown they can stand up to, and even beat San Antonio, most of the time. In honor of their achievements this year, I'd like to present this praise to the Dallas Mavericks, Wigga Style: Icy Hot Dumbasses Here's the deal: If you're black and can rap, I won't listen to you. If you're white and can rap, I still won't listen to you, but there's a good chance I'll laugh at how ridiculous you look doing it. Also, put your freaking cap on straight! Item 2. Oh yeah... What's in the CD player this week? Hint: It's not rap music. A. The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema B. Sister Hazel: Something More Familiar C. Prince: 3121 D. Say Anything Soundtrack E. Smokey Robinson: The Ultimate Collection

What? I Amuse You?

2006-05-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

"What do you mean, I'm funny?...You mean the way I talk? What?...Funny how? I mean, what's funny about it?...But I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to f--kin' amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How'm I funny??...How the f--k am I funny? What the f--k is so funny about me? Tell me? Tell me what's funny..." Kill time at work. Kill goombas later. Take out your agressions with some games. 1. "What am I, a mirage? What? Where's my f--kin' drink? I asked you for a drink... I just asked you for a f--kin' drink." Better than bouncing a bat off someone's skull 2. "Who the f--k cares? I'll dig the f--kin' hole, I don't give a f--k! What is it, the first hole I dug? First time I dug a hole, I'll dig a f--kin' hole. Well, where are the shovels?" Cube Extreme. More fun than pushing 'cement blocks' off a pier, and into the Hudson. 3. Words have meaning. Understanding that is the first step in having meaningful conversations. That is, meaningful conversations that don't involve the words: "Badda" "Bing" "Schifosa" "Haaayyyyy" "Yo" or "Whack." How 'bout some calzone, eh? Afterwords, we can go's and whack Mickey for the 'G' he owes us.

Everything You Say To Me Takes Me One Step Closer To The Edge And I'm About To Link

2006-05-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

A couple of links to freak out the other cube monkeys around you. 1. Show everyone you’re more than a skinny white kid from the ‘burbs. Show ‘em you gots style. Show ‘em you’re a playa by playin’ tha DJ. Better yet, go play'a in the street and leave me alone. Oh, and if you touch my record collection, I'll make sure your arms will never be able to scratch a record, or your ass, again. Wikiwikiwikiwiki 2. A while back I posted the worst video ever. You can see it here And now there's more frightening news... I just learned two things. One: they have more videos. And, Two: she really is a woman, and not the creepy tranny wannabe she first appeared to be. This is like a car wreck so large you just can't take your eyes off of it... the kind that even after driving by, you continue to look in your rearview mirror to see the dead sprawled on the pavement, and wounded staggering around in a daze. Yeah... it's something like that.... only worse. Be sure to turn up your volume so the desk-humping trogs you work with can share in the pain. My eyes are bleeding, and I’m contemplating suicide just to get their images and songs out of my head. Soon you will join me. Here are the other two vids: Leslie Beat Dazzler and Leslie Gold Pants Time to clense my mind with what has been in the CD player this week: 1. Tool: 10,000 Days 2. Garbage: Version 2.0 3. Echo and the Bunnymen: Crocodiles 4. Fishbone: The Essential 5. Ben Harper: Both Sides Of The Gun

I La La La Link You.... Ohahohhhhhhh

2006-05-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

I La La La Love You - Pat Travers' Black Pearl sample WMA clip From the Valley Girl movie soundtrack if you want to know. 1. Remember actress Anne Sellors? Me neither. But I know she spoke these words: (or maybe they're my words for her just to make this link a little more enjoyable) "I got into acting as a way to be remembered forever. Because of film (my only film), I will always be around. It's not exactly the way I’d like to be remembered, but this is something I can show my great-grandchildren.... or not." IMDB info here: Tinkle Bell Threads (1984) (TV) (uncredited) .... Woman who urinates herself. Video of the scene that made her famous: Frequent urges? Trouble sustaining flow... not this lady This looks like a British version of "The Day After" in America. 'Course, if I saw a nuke go off over downtown Dallas, I'd probably do her one better by shitting myself. 2. There is something very unseemly about this product... in an aging James Bond kind of way: What is it Q? Well 007, it's the perfect place to hide cyanide, or Viagra 3. Get yourself tested for those pesky microwave transmissions the government and UFOs are using to control your life!!! I want to believe From the site: You may be experiencing electronic harassment and not know it. From Surveillance, Electronic Sabotage/Interference, Directed Harmful High Energy, Voice/Data/Image induction (This is when the govenment can can make an individual think they are loosing their mind or that they have a mental illness), and Implants (Not the stripper/porn star variety). Pssst... for $10 I'll kick you in the head to get rid of your evil humors. 4. Ow!, ow!, ow!, F’n ow!: Watch more than 10 seconds... I dare ya. Go Fish!

It's Aussie Appreciation Day

2006-05-10T11:13:00.000-07:00

For no other reason than if I did not live in Texas, Australia would be next on the list of places I'd like to be..... especially now that it's approaching 90 here every day, and summer is still over a month away. So, how do you expect to talk with the locals if you don't understand what they're saying? Here's a little slang for your edification: Aussie Slang A few examples I liked: Slab: A carton of 24 bottles or cans of beer. Brown-eyed mullet: A turd in the sea (where you're swimming!) Bush oyster: Nasal mucus. Crack a fat: Get an erection. Figjam: "F*ck I'm Good; Just Ask Me". Nickname for people who have a high opinion of themselves. Kangaroos loose in the top paddock: Intellectually inadequate ("he's got kangaroos loose in the top paddock") Root: (verb and noun): Synonym for f*ck in nearly all its senses: "I feel rooted"; "this washing machine is rooted"; "(s)he's a good root". A very useful word in fairly polite company. Stubby: A 375ml. beer bottle. While Australia is home to bands like Men At Work, Midnight Oil, Silverchair, and Kylie and Dannii Minogue, I won't hold it against them. AC/DC, Nick Cave, The Church, (old) INXS, Jet, and Aussie Floyd, the Australian Pink Floyd tribute band, more than make up for the first few.

For the hell of it I'm also throwing in three pictures of my favorite Aussie babes. Cate Blanchett. Nicole Kidman. The picture above proves Tom has "issues" with his manhood. Elle Macpherson. She's had a child or two, and I'm sure she can look bad on some days...... But to be honest, I haven't seen that day.

And It’s Been A Long December And There’s Reason To Believe Maybe This Link Will Be Better Than The Last

2006-05-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

1. Freak show anyone? Or another Fox reality show? On the plus side, if you were like this you could probably drink beer with your feet. Not that you would, but you could. I am not... an animal!!!! 2. I’m a guy. I’m glad I'm a guy. I would not want to be anything other than a guy. What’s creepy about this site? The hands shown in the Easter Bunny photos belong to a guy. Or a woman with man hands... Well there's that, and the fact they're making crafts out tampons! "Johnny, what can you make outta this?" "This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a pterodactyl. . ." (useless Airplane! reference) 3. I can’t wait for the first few dozen morons to fall out of the sky after jumping off a roof. Forget the jetpack, I want a flying Jetson’s car. And by the way, hovering a foot off the ground is not flying. To infinity and.... oh screw it. 4. A game to waste time at work. This one is french. I didn’t see a surrender button, but I’m sure it was hiding on the page somewhere. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Aaaaahhhh... Love To Link You Baby

2006-05-06T19:58:00.000-07:00

1. Normally I'm pretty good at puzzles in games.. Riven, Zelda, etc. I don't get this one. My brain hurts now. 2. Think he caught hell growing up? Unfortunate name... But it fits how he looks. Me love you long time. 3. Sweaters for your internal organs? My grandmother knitted me many things as a child. This was not one of them. 4. Funny... for the first 3 seconds. Finish the job, then watch. I see a new Fox show on the horizon. Shave my Yeti 5. I loathe celebrities. On the flip side I think "If they weren't making movies (Tom Cruise), or living off daddy's money (Paris Hilton), they'd be serving my breakfast at the local Denny's." Yet, the free market side of me says “more power to ‘em” if they hold out for another $5 mil to take off their top in a movie, or ask for additional space on the set for the 20 people in their personal entourage. But I never see any movies they make, or listen to their music, so who cares? Would you like fries with that?

Rock And F'n Roll

2006-05-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

It's Music Day a day early. 1. Japanese performing in blackface? If I do it, I’m called a racist. If the Japanese do it... well, nobody cares since they are freaky tentacle porn and Hello Kitty molesting perverts anyway. Here's a picture of them in full attire: I promised myself I wouldn't use the word "Mammy" to describe this. Somebody bring in the P.C. police quickly. 2. Music videos. Remember those? They used to have entire television shows dedicated to showing a visual presentation set to the music of a musical artist. Sadly, that is a thing of the past, and what we get instead is the mind-numbing pablum of reality shows. Thank God for VH1 Classics. Here's a music video for the lib in your life. Bush was right. ... Just not on unchecked spending, sucking up to democrats, and little, if any, border control. Bwaynose Tardees Me Amigoos (spelling intentional) 3. Just what the hell is grindcore and noisecore anyway? Here's a definition: "Grindcore is an extreme form of hardcore punk and heavy metal, related to both death metal and crust punk, but historically formed by combining elements of hardcore punk and early thrash metal. " I remember naming my first band. The name was Collusion. I liked the sound and meaning: “A secret agreement between two or more parties for a fraudulent, illegal, or deceitful purpose.” To us that meant nothing more than which fake ID we used to buy beer. We lasted all of two semesters in 10th grade, but it was a good time. What the hell are kids thinking these days? They have some of the worst band names. (WARNING on the link below) Run the cursor over the link to see if you want to continue to their song page. Some words may not be safe for work.

Their mothers must be proud.

I looked (but not very hard) for their lyrics, and couldn't find any. If they are as simple as some of the tabs they posted, I don't think I want to know the words. But, some of the more enjoyable sounding work is shown here: Everyone In Limp Bizkit Should Be Killed Ha Ha Your Wife Left You Harvey Korman Is Gay I Ate Your Horse I Got Athletes Foot Showering At Mikes I Hope You Get Deported I Lit Your Baby On Fire I'm thinking they probably sound like so many of those growling, heavy on the one chord bassline bands, that are so popular right now with the suicide candidates. Although, you have to like the Everyone In Limp Bizkit Should Be Killed. 4. What's been in the CD player this past week? A. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Stadium Arcadium Review: It gets better the longer you listen to it, although I'm curious about the song placement. It seems that each disk's music is set up in this order: funky, slow, funky, slow, etc. Why not take the funk songs they are so popular for and put them on one CD, and put the slower, ballad songs on disk two? Makes sense to me. Maybe there was too much material here to begin with, and it was a case of let's just dump it out. Is it Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik, or Mother's Milk? No. But it is better than By The Way, or One Hot Minute. On the plus side, Flea doesn't have a solo song to sing. It's a nice all 'round effort that just about everyone can listen to. Why don't we leave it at that. B. Joe Jackson: I'm The Man C. Gomez: Out West D. The Stone Roses: Best of

Sherriff Joe For President

2006-05-03T11:26:00.000-07:00

If Bill Maher hates him, you know he must be doing something right. I'm talking about the sheriff that makes inmates wear pink, sleep in tents in the desert because “If sleeping in a tent is good enough for the men and women fighting in Iraq (My insert: quote taken during The first Gulf War), it’s acceptable for criminals,” and, from his website: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio doesn't believe in coddling criminals, frequently saying that jails should not be country clubs. He banned smoking, coffee, pornographic magazines, movies and unrestricted television in all jails. He has the cheapest meals in the country too. The average inmate meal costs less than 20 cents… Now he brings a border patrol with teeth. There's no turning illegals over to the real border patrol, since the feds do nothing more than catch and release. Joe's detainees are processed and do time. Why? Because they broke the freaking law. Trying something Bush doesn’t have the balls to do, Sherriff Arpaio is working the border. What blows my mind about all this is right now, there is a plan on the books to shut down the border if/when bird flu ever reaches pandemic stages. PDF file is here. So we will put troops along the border and streets in the event of a bird flu outbreak where (over the past 3 years) a total of 200+/- people have died, but we will not put them there to prevent the overwhelming tide of humanity that is stressing our social services to the breaking point? Can anyone explain that one to me? It’s about time someone acted like an adult and faced the problem like a man, instead of the complete puss Bush has been. Me, a guy that likes Bush, calling him a woman.. imagine that. If there is anyone who thinks we don’t have a problem on the border, go camp out around Laredo or Del Rio, Texas and see how many people amble through your campsite, heading north. And guess what our dear presidential neighbor to the south will be doing shortly... Mexican President Fox will soon sign legislation legalizing drugs like ecstasy, weed, coke, and heroin in small amounts. Anyone want to take a guess where those drugs will be heading? Can someone get Sherriff Joe on the presidential ticket for 2008? Sheriff to Start Posse Patrols to Curb Illegal Immigration Flow Some highlights include: "...we've also made some recent huge drug seizures involving illegal aliens including nearly 100 pounds of methamphetamine and approximately three pounds of heroin." "Tuesday's arrests include two coyotes, one of whom may be charged with a far more serious offense - endangerment. ...a 24-year-old Mexican male found near death by deputies who combed the desert earlier today after being told by other people in the vehicle that one man was left behind." "Arpaio houses 10,000 prisoners in his jails, including almost 2000 in a tent city he erected in 1993. Tent City is being expanded to hold an anticipated increase in of inmates being incarcerated in the Maricopa County jails."

Get Up. Get On Up. Like A Link Machine.

2006-05-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

1. This is creepy in a cool way: Good puppy dog 2. This is more weird than the myspace death page I posted a few weeks ago. Warning: It's safe for work, but this is some dark stuff. Enter at your own risk. I'm assuming most of the suicide letters here were written by people who just listened to Kevin Federline's new CD. 3. Overheard in the lab: Researcher #1: We should cure cancer. Researcher #2: Maybe next week. Researcher #1: How about heart disease? Researcher #2: No, but we’ll look into it soon. Researcher #1: I've got it! Why don’t we put glasses on a fly? Researcher #2: Brilliant!!!! I can’t wait for these geniuses to come up with dozens of little contact lenses for the fly, or maybe invent home laser eye surgery. Hey... Is that Bono? 4. I spoke to soon. Home LASIK? Try it on the fly first. Help me!!!!!! Would you trust your eyes to this guy... And why is he wearing glasses if he's endorsing the LASIK at home procedure? Something is not right here. Since everyone else seems to be able to sell medical equipment without oversight, I will now offer the home lobotomy kit, thanks to the good people at Iamlost. Order now and I'll throw in another kit..... for free!!!!! 5. I hope Bush knows he can house several immigrant families in those panties. Ariba!!!!

I Am...... Nacho Libre

2006-05-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Hispanic protesters today, I'd like to give a shout out to one of Latin America's greatest exports.. No, not soccer, cheap labor, baseball palyers, or cocaine. I'm talking about masked wrestling. View the Nacho Libreeeeeeeeeeeeee trailer. Jack Black's new movie. There's no way a movie with midget wrestling can be bad.

And My Links Does It Good...

2006-04-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

(With respect to Paul McCartney for stealing his song "My Love" for the title) 1. Pretty smart idea: Cosby Cartoons. No, not Fat Albert. Watch the entire series and see for yourself. Let's play hide the pudding pop 2. All magicians are evil... Except Penn and Teller. Name me another one that isn't. Why do magicians always have psycho eyes? You ever notice that? I'm talking about "I'm going to cut you open and eat your heart while you watch" freaky eyes. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks that? 3. Come on... you know you'd be laughing at his voice too. Someone needs testicle replacement surgery 4. May not be safe for work if your company has a problem with body positions of fully clothed people. Meet the Kama Sutra clothing company. High marks for the name alone, although I'd guess the clothes are crap. Ganesh must be proud In The CD Player This Week? A. Still listening to Gomez: How We Operate for two weeks straight. (I'm now at the point where there isn't one song I don't like.) Damn these guys are good. B. Soundgarden: Superunknown C. P.I.L.: Happy D. Eurythmics: Greatest Hits E. Linkin Park: Live In Texas

From My Neck Of The Woods

2006-04-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

Nothing funny today. Just a story showing how a little kindness can mean the world to someone else. Something like this is why I say a little prayer each night thanking God I was born in Texas. GRAND PRAIRIE – Sgt. Chris Hockman didn't hear the 18 first-graders chanting his name minutes before he arrived in their room at Moore Elementary School on Monday. But he has been feeling their love for five months. The students have been writing to Iraq since November, when their teacher, Claudia Flores, "adopted" Sgt. Hockman through the nonprofit group Operation AC. He has become so close to the students, he decided to spend part of his two-week leave meeting them. "I didn't know when I would get back again, and in a few weeks the kids will be out for the summer, so I decided to come now," said Sgt. Hockman, 27, who is with the Pennsylvania-based Army National Guard 109th Infantry Division. Getting him to Texas was a community effort. The school's Parent Teacher Association provided $1,000 to help with the hotel and other expenses, and Southwest Airlines donated the flight. The students, whom Sgt. Hockman dubbed "Little Gypsies" because his platoon is called the Gypsies, recited a poem for him about the American flag. When they sang a verse of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," Mrs. Hockman dabbed away tears. "He sends me their stuff, so I've seen all their pictures and the stories they wrote about him," she said. "It means a lot to him to know there are people all the way down in Texas who care about him." Full story here Photo: MICHAEL AINSWORTH / DMN Army Sgt. Christopher Hockman and his daughter Madigan, 4, are cheered as they enter the first-grade wing at Moore Elementary in Grand Prairie on Monday.

CD or not CD?

2006-04-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

Are any of the following "Best of" CDs really neccessary? 1. The Very Best Of Buck Owens, Vol.2. Yee Haw, Hee Haw My name is Buck... (If you've seen Kill Bill Vol. 1, you know the rest.) 2. The Best of Fuel. Someone's desparate for money. When you only have 3 CDs to your name, do you really need a Best of? Are they even around anymore? 3. The Best of Both Worlds, Van Halen. VH is the perfect example of Spinal Tap A two CD set? Please. Listen up, there is no reason to get this CD. What you need is: Van Halen, Van Halen 2, Fair Warning, Women and Children First, Diver Down, and bits and pieces from 1984. If nothing else, pull three or four of your favorite songs from each album above and burn your own double disk. One more thing... What the hell happened to Eddie Van Halen? Hey Ed! Iron Maiden just called. They need you for a cover shoot on their next album. Time (alcohol, cancer, smoking, take your pick) has not been kind to Eddie. Eddie vs. Eddie... Who would win? 4. Best of Communism: Revolutionary Songs. WTF? I will crush you. Rousing hits include Onward Red Guards, Proletarians. We Thank You, Comrade Rakosi. Forward Together With The Party And The People. And Onward Youth, For Socialism. Please be sure to rat out your friends and parents to the Secret Police for the greater good of the mother land. 5. Baby Come Back: The Best of Player. You know there's something wrong with a best of cd when the title is the same as your one hit. Although, I loved that song when I was growing up. Baby, stay away from this one 6. All The Best From Mexico: 40 Mexican Favorites. Buy now and get a free yard worker with your order. While supplies last. This is what hell will be like. Oompa music from accordions

CD? No, I Don't. Where's Dee? No.... What's In The CD?

2006-04-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

In the CD player this week: 1. Gomez: How We Operate 2. Pretty Girls Make Graves: Elan Vital 3. The Fray: How To Save A Life 4. Jefferson Airplane: Bless Its Pointed Little Head 5. Seals & Crofts: Summer Breeze 6. Blue October: Foiled 7. E.L.O.: Out Of The Blue 8. Queen: Jazz

9. James Taylor: Live At The Beacon Theatre (DVD rip)

10. The Rolling Stones: 12x5

It is the weekend. Ha-Ha!!! How 'bout a little Double? Double's, Blue CD arrived from S. Korea yesterday via eBay. Glad to finally have the whole CD, but happier I didn't pony up $40 for the one they had for sale at Amazon through a used CD dealer. Can you say "Someone's shoving a pike up my ass, and asking me to enjoy it?" So, screw you Amazon, and thank you eBay. Now, if I can just find anything from The Judys, and The Other Ones, I'll be set.

Believe Me When I Say That I've Got Some-(links) For His Punk Ass

2006-04-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

With apologies to Sublime for the subject line. "Spring. A time of rebirth... A time of births. A time of tabloids (Tom Cruise jokes about eating his ~~wife's~~ ~~girlfriend's~~ alien pod carrier's placenta)... Cruise's Placenta Fixins Britney, Katie, Gweneth... knocked up and freaky like sea cows at the National Aquarium. The joys of motherhood... and burping? Next on Geraldo At Large." 1. For those who have not seen it: The Britney Spears sculpture of her giving birth on all fours, tastefully on a bear skin rug. (Sorta safe for work. It is a sculpture after all) Feel free to sing along... Oops. I'm on a bear skin... Birthing is not art. Get lost, I'm in pain... Oh baby, baby... Make up the rest of the song on your own for the link above. My head hurts from simply looking up the lyrics to find something that rhymes. 2. Whoa! A rear view of the sculpture. This probably isn't safe for work. I'm sure birth is a beautiful experience, but I don't need this. ...Baby one more time? No!!! Never again. Someone stop her before she creates a race of super white-trash that take over the world, forcing us to listen to mindless music all the time! 3. The perfect gift for Brit, Kat, and Gwen, and their respective brood. And, am I the only one who thinks Katie is on some strange mind control drug, and is in reality birthing the anti-Christ? Anyway, get the new mom a "playpen" where she knows her child will be safe from the prying eyes of the paparazzi. It's a death cage match between Apple Paltrow and Sean Preston "Cletus" Spears 4. Warning in advance: #4 is not safe for work. This link has nothing to do with spring except the weather is warmer, (101 today) and people can wear less. So, why not celebrate the art of.... topless burping? At least they're not eating their placenta. I like a girl who can throw down with the guys, but this makes no sense to me at all. Brrraaaaaappppp

We're From The Government And We're Here To Help

2006-04-16T18:12:00.000-07:00

If you ever hear the subject line spoken in your vacinity... Run. Don't get me wrong. I love this country, but hate taxes. So in an effort to make your tax day a little better I offer you some random income tax musings. 1. Jokes always seem to go over well with the I.R.S. Tell them this one and see if they laugh. A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in awhile they send us a free candle." The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls." The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?" The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you." 2. You could take your money and run to a Caribbean island and set up shop as a pirate. The site is really for kids, but I actually learned a few things. Drag your cursor over the skull and crossbones for the answer. Aarrrrrggg!!!! 3. You can take your refund and set up a meth lab. Fun. Excitement. Good profit potential. And the possibility of a large explosion from Cletus mixing the wrong chemicals. The downside is you have to move to a mobile home set on 3 acres in the middle of nowhere. Say Cheese... That is, if you have any teeth left. 4 Just who runs this country anyway? A. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. B. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. C. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. D. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. E. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it. F. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. G. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. H. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. I. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. J. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country ... or that anyone is running it; but, if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are Handicapped, minority, feminist, dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, that they are not Republicans. K. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store or those that live in trailers. (Must be meth lab owners) 5. Waiting for Tax Freedom Day. That pirate gig is starting to look pretty good. Freedom!!!!

Handfarts And Catapults And Peeps. Oh My!

2006-04-14T06:52:00.000-07:00

It is Good Friday. And for those of us who run our own business, at least our own side of the business, that means we do not take a break. However, it is important to remember why this day (and weekend) is celebrated. So, remember the why first, before biting into the chocolate.

"Must kill Sarah Connor" Rabbits are evil little bastards. 1. Happy Easter. The use of puns on this site is enough to make you sick. Kind of like how you feel after eating a Peep for Easter. Peeps are made of people!!!!! Here's a few items to work on over the long weekend so you'll be ready for "Cube World" on Monday. 2. Things to freak out the cube monkey that works with you. Cut ‘em, paste ‘em, leave ‘em on your desk. I have my own office, so I don't have to worry about dealing with the proletariat. But I do keep a "Papercut of Death" on my desk. Bow down before the Inner Party and his creepy posterboard cutouts, prole! 3. Also good for inter-office problems: desk-sized catapult.... Or, a trebuchet, for you word nazis. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time 4. How about one for your watch? Run away!!!!! What? Is this some kind of poor man's attempt at a James Bond gadget? Anyway, the above item is perfect for those boring meetings you must sit through that are gut-wrenching, sleep-inducing, liturgies of corporate crap, conducted by mid-level management, desparately striving and hoping to make retirement age before they are "released from their duties as a restructuring effort," without a clue how the real world works. I really wouldn't know, since I work for myself. But I do have quite a few friends who are beaten down to the point of taking their own lives that have said falling asleep in your chair does happen at meetings they are required to attend. The all day meetings are the worst. So they say. The desire to hang yourself by the neck from the light fixtures almost becomes too great during the droning sales pitch on how they should feel proud of their company and its desire to see a tighter bottom line. I almost feel sorry for them. Then I laugh. 5. Hand-farts. Yep... Hand–farts. Download and play the vids on your computer at work. I'm sure the desk jockey next to you would appreciate this while he's on the phone with an important client. Crank that volume! Pull my finger? No! Squeeze my hand

It's Only Rock And Roll, But I Link It, Link It, Yes I Do.

2006-04-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

The evils of music... 1. How about we start off with mysterious mind control? Number Nine. Number Nine... 2. Banned album covers: There is a lot of good stuff here. Example: On the Stones' Sticky Fingers album (yes, album, not CD) there is a real working zipper and a photo of Mick's skivvies done by Andy Warhol behind said zipper. That's something I really don't need, or want to see, but it sure makes the album better than the CD. CD art sucks compared to full size albums. Another album on the list is the Lynyrd Skynyrd "Band in flames" cover taken just before their plane went down. The album was quickly pulled from shelves since it looked like the band was walking out of burning wreckage. Only a few covers survived being destroyed.

(Some may not be safe for work. All pictures are small icons) Rock, and/or roll A few other links from the above site include: Worst album covers ever (And 2 that are NOT safe for work) Naked Chicks on Covers And more naked chicks on covers I posted the naked chick covers for a reason... besides the fact I'm a guy, and like how naked chicks look. Q&A time people. A. Could you tell me the name of two bands that you've heard of out of the 100 plus covers from those two nude cover links? Other than The Peppers, or Jane's Addiction. B. Now, go back to those pages and find a band. Then, go to Amazon and search for them. After you find one that still has a CD in print, download some samples of their music. How do they sound? C. Do ya think there might be a reason they have to put naked women on the cover? Something tells me it's very unlikely you would purchase an album by the "Dwarves" if it didn't have eyecandy to take your mind off the fingernails on blackboard sound coming out of your stereo speakers.

The Dwarves... What a great name, though... D. Sorry... End of lesson. 3. What's in the car CD player? 30 minute drive to work... 30 minute drive from work. Must-have-music-to-stop-me-from-purposely-plowing-into-idots-driving-and-talking-on-their-cell-phones. In no particular order... A. The Cult: Electric B. Carolyn Leonhart: Steal the Moon C. Death Cab For Cutie: Transatlanticism D. Eagles Of Death Metal: Peace, Love, Death, Metal E. The Fixx: Greatest Hits F: Jimi Hendrix: Complete Live At Woodstock G: REO Speedwagon: The Hits H: The Clash: Sandanista! I: The Plimsouls: Everywhere At Once J: The Vines: Vision Valley K: Sting: Covering Them

Touched... "Linked" Telepathically. Joined At The MIND!!!!

2006-04-12T07:41:00.000-07:00

1. Why don't they finish the job by holding their head in a bucket of dry ice? These people are sick. At some point as children, did someone turn off the water hose on the Slip and Slide while they were on it? Cut me off at the knees and call me a tripod 2. I posted earlier links about products such as "Liquid Ass" and the "fart pillow." But, how about something you could use to stop gaseous dog emissions? Check out the doggy thong. Two problems come from this: A. There will be some asshat who buys it. B. You can't blame the dog anymore. The best way to degrade your dog is here 3. I'd like for this to happen to me... preferably by someone who doesn't look like her head was sculpted with a 2X4... Or whacked out on meds. Maybe I'm being too picky... Nah. Why are all the naked women running around neighborhoods so odd? I mean sure, you have to be nuts, or on serious drugs to do this, but the only semi-attractive nude nuts I can think of right now would be Margot Kidder and Anne Heche. They aren't bad, well Anne's alright, and I really don't want to think about Margot, but they're not Elle Macpherson to put it bluntly. My question is why can't we get a rash of supermodels showing up at your door starkers? I mean in real life, and not just those daydreams at work. Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. I'm crazy, crazy for feeling so blue. (Strong language on #4) 4. You have Ghostface Killa. You have Ice T, and NWA. Now you have Gangstafag. That's Gangsta rap with Gangsta man love. Damn it feels good to be a GAY-ngsta? (I thought up that play on words myself... Laud me for my brilliance) 5. Useless time killer. How popular is your name? If it's Seymore, don't bother. Your name is not in the top 1000

The Shareef Don't Like It. Link The Casbah... Link The Casbah

2006-04-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

1. A mother's love is to be admired and cherished above all other relationships. A mother's stupidity when trying to do a good thing for her children is to be forgiven. Doing both at the same time should be shown to the world. Tattoo You 2. "Pop" astrology? I was hoping for a Beatles song, but ended up with The Strawberry Alarm Clock's Incense And Peppermints. At least it wasn't a Helen Reddy song 3. He's so GAY, he's so GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the annals of gayness, there is nothing more gay. Take the 80's group Trio with their Da Da Da song, add a touch of Mike Myers as Dieter from Sprockets, and you have this. Just play the video and you'll see what I mean. "Now is ze time on Sprockets vhen ve dance." He could burn you with his knee 4. Spock's Beard? No. Just creepy old men. Is that Dom DeLuise on the front page? Live long and prosper, Herr Schneider 5. I need my foil hat now please. This person has: A. Too much free time. B. A need for serious counseling. C. Several dozen restraining orders in place. D. All of the above. May the farce be with you

'Tis The Season To Be Jorry, Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra Ra

2006-04-09T19:13:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry if I find this funny. It's not meant to be racist, but sometimes something jumps up and bites you on the ass and you find yourself rolling on the floor. So I'm juvenile... Sue me. After speaking with a friend, (Hey "S") I found myself thinking about old songs and what they meant to me when I was growing up. So, I jotted down a few that I would like to find again. The problem with this is pretty obvious... Unless you're talking about a band that is still together, (or the Beatles) you’ll probably be S.O.L trying to find music still in print from older bands, or true one hit wonders of the 80’s at Amazon, that aren't priced at some ridiculous amount. More on that in a minute. Most of the bands I'm looking for released albums (yes, I said albums) at the beginning of the CD revolution. Put another way, they didn't last long enough to merit more than one CD pressing, if they were lucky, and no CDs if they weren't lucky. If they did manage to get a pressing, it wouldn't be more than 30,000 units. By the way, 100,000 sold is considered a gold record, and that is a difficult feat for most bands to reach. I'm sure you can also see the cost involved would be huge if you went all out promoting a band with only one song to its credit. The investment alone on printing anywhere from 20-50K CDs would be cost prohibative. So, most of the bands I'm looking for are going to be near impossible to track down. As far as one hit wonders go, I’m not talking about UB40, or A-Ha. You can find those groups on any number of “Best of the 80’s” compilations. I’m talking about groups like Double, The Judys, or The Other Ones (No, I’m not talking about the Grateful Dead spin off group). These three bands are true one hit wonders. Well, The Judys were not one hit wonders... They never had a hit, but they were a great band to see live at the Arcadia on Greenville Avenue. Anyway, my first stop in the search was Amazon. I didn’t see anything at all by The Other Ones, so I tried to find Double’s CD, Blue. Nothing was found there that was new, but they did have a seller’s section where I could buy Double's disk….. for $57.00. My WTF meter jumped into the red after seeing the price. I’m a free market guy, and I appreciate selling according to what the market will bear, but my market will not bear spending $57 plus shipping for one CD. So, being the free market guy I am, I also knew there were other avenues to pursue what I was looking for. Behold eBay, the online buyers wet dream. Stopping in at eBay I couldn’t find The Other Ones, or The Judys in CD form. They did have the Judys "Moo" record at the "buy it now price" of $147.77. No thanks. I used to own it.... I wonder where it's at now? Anyway, I did find Double, brand new, and straight from the factory... The Asian factory of Universal Music, that is. The CD was located in South Korea. Ahhhh, the wonders of the Internet. Bringing capitalism to all. And, it was listed at $17.99, a much better price considering the alternative, so I grabbed it. To get back on point here… What cracked me up was the seller’s description. I am very aware that English.. or maybe I should say Engrish, is probably not the seller’s native tongue. And I’m 100% sure he speaks better Korean than I do. But sometimes little bits of the giggles catch you when you don’t expect them to. From the seller’s page: RELEASED IN UNIVERSAL MUSIC KOREA. THIS CD IS NOT A BOOTREG CD. Bootreg!!!! You have to love it. And yes, I know this was a long story to get to a punch line. The link to the eBay seller's page is here: So Ronrey And Sadry Arone. A good sample of Captain of her Heart is here: Captain, My Captain From a review at Cdbaby.com: In the fall of 1985, Switzerland's Double started invading the world with their beautifully crafted, catchy single The Captain of Her Heart from their first album Blue. Like The Captain of Her Heart, the rest of the album is marked by Double's remarkably restrained, subtle instrumental and vocal attitude - all part of the album's distinctive approach. The sound of Double certainly has caught on. Blue has been released in more than 50 countries and The Captain of her Heart became a modern-day classic. It's a simple song, but the piano and horn make it. [Written by Felix Haug and Kurt Maloo] It was way past midnight And she still couldn't fall asleep This night the dream was leaving She tried so hard to keep And with the new days dawning She felt it driftin' away Not only for a cruise Not only for a day Too long ago, too long apart She couldn't wait another day for The captain of her heart As the day came up, she made a stop She stopped waiting another day for The captain of her heart Too long ago, too long apart She couldn't wait another day for The captain of her heart ---- Instrumental Interlude ---- Too long ago, too long apart She couldn't wait another day for The captain of her heart ---- Instrumental Interlude ---- Too long ago, too long apart She couldn't wait another day for The captain of her heart As the day came up, she made a stop She stopped waiting another day for The captain of her heart Too long ago, too long apart She couldn't wait another day for The captain of her heart

Artsy Fartsy

2006-04-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

Just a head's up... Some of the links may contain nudity. This is a post about art after all. In checking the sites again, most nudes will be obvious before you click a link on that page to go to another section. 1. Odd Photographs 2. A great idea. What would happen if you took the fears of your youth and turned them over to an artist to render? Childhood Nightmares 3. Leggo Artistry 4. Photographs are art. I have 20 new wallpapers thanks to this site. Beautiful in color and scope. China's Countryside 5. Pop art can occasionally be fun. Little People Unite 6. How many of you have been to NY city and never saw the art on the walls of the subway tunnels? No. Not the graffiti. Take The "A"rt Train 7. If you haven’t noticed, I tend to drift more toward those who have a creative side that doesn’t simply involve throwing paint on a canvas and calling it art. (The exception being Jackson Pollock. I like the idea of using everyday objects in new ways. Stick A Fork In It 8. A look back at where we are from. Beautifully colorized B&W photos from 1941-45. Grandpa Never Looked So Good 9. Sometimes art should make you feel alone. Abandonment Can Be Art 10. Unexpected photographs. This Is My Favorite with around 600 photos. 11. Sketch art is not appreciated the way I think it should be. No Courtroom Sketches Here 12. My new favorite photographer. He came to my attention because of his work on the limited edition of Stephen King’s ‘Salem’s Lot. It is a beautiful book weighing in at just over 9 pounds with Uelsmann’s surreal photos tipped in, and also embedded in the cover. Boo! Here's a photo of the book.

We're Linkin'... Linkin'... And I Hope You Like Linkin' Too

2006-04-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

1. An idea for Dr. Phat Tony. Hollow out Jill and use her for a tourist attraction. After being eaten of course. Goat fixins 2. Do I make you horny baby? Yeah!

Is that a horn in your pants or are you just happy to lift bricks for me? Side note: Don't they have dentists in China? 3. You will feel old after this I guarantee it. 4. Have a talk with God.

Are you there God? It's me, Rooster Cashews

5. Island of forgotten toys? No. This is the site of forgotten technology. What? Like there's something wrong with an 8-track?

Time to break out the 78s for the gramophone.

Links Lift Us Up Where We Belong

2006-04-05T20:41:00.000-07:00

1. This is so dark: Wow! It's like an internet ~~dance~~ death party. I will not make fun of death. To me, that’s God’s ultimate smack down or reward. However, I do question the taste in doing this site. Then again, look at some of the freakiness I post... Click on the pictures for the full My Space profile. And be sure to check out Death #64: Do ya think it could have possibly been gang related? 2. More games for Peakah. Just try to get some work done now! I'm game if you are. 3. The most unfortunate of all unfortunate names are held here. I'll be the first to admit there's no way to verify any of those, so I call foul. But, potty humor always wins out over tracking down the facts. 4. “I gotta have more cowbell.” Electric cowbell? Blue Öyster Cult would be ashamed 5. Buy a corpse. This is so cool on one level, and so wrong on another. Mother!!!! (The word "mother" is a Psycho reference for anyone wondering. Just go rent the original movie if you don't get it)

I Wanna Link You Like An Animal

2006-04-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

1. No, the first one isn't funny. I love this, even if it was written by nut jobs. I question some of the claims on child warriors, or AIDS victims, but that's a story for another day. On the other hand, what they write about the actual value of a diamond (or any precious gem for that matter) is true. If you don't believe them, take it from someone like me who dated the daughter of one of the most talented diamond setters around. And that link just shows the cheap stuff. You should see the private showroom. On the other hand, any girl that eventually marries me will probably wind up with this. We're whipped I tell ya. Whipped! 2. The ref is a little light in the cleats. No yellow or red card here. I'd say he has a fucshia card. 3. This is an old story, but I still find a drunk Bullwinkle funny. Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a bottle of Stoli out of my hat. 4. Work time killers. I got game. 5. Who is this? Ms. Swan? Craigslist can be a wealth of material sometimes. 6. Old news, but a great idea. Kindergarten for men. We get a nametag, food, and sporting events to watch on television. How great is that? Play nice while mommy shops. 7. Dance little pipe cleaner. Dance!

The Goggles Do Nothing On Live Television

2006-04-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

(Probably not safe for work. Bare ass streaker) So there I was watching the news last night when this happens. The funniest part is knowing a few things about the broadcast. Texas has had some dry weather lately, and occasionally a brush fire will kick up. This fire had been contained, but it was still local news, so why not report it? Another way to say it is: This was not a "Let's jump out here and do a story because fire is about to engulf a neighborhood." This was a set up that took a little time to plan. Lighting, scene, etc. So here comes some redneck driving around the back roads and sees the channel 8 guys putting up shop. It's my guess he called a couple of friends and says: "How much would you pay me to go starkers when the reporter is on air?" All you have to do is tell me when they are about to go live." I'm sure his friends pony up a carton of smokes and a case of beer just for the event. He agrees, and the rest is history. The beautiful part is the total calm of the reporter. Bonus points should also go to the streaker for bringing an air horn.

Lovin', Touchin', Linkin'

2006-04-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

I demand praise for the first link for trying to match up Aerosmith songs with Star Wars references. Also, do yourself a favor and check out the photos. There really are people out there doing this. Think about that for a minute.... Momma must be proud. 1. New from Rhino Records, Aerosith. Featuring the hits: “Love In A Death Star (with) Vader." "Livin’ it up when I’m goin’ down.” And.... “Jaba’s Got A Gun.” "Han Solo Is On The Run." Aerosith??? Oh yeah? Let's hear you do better. 2. PETA can bite me. Here... Have some meat. Check out the news section. I honestly have no idea what's going on. Power to the cow (#3 is Not safe. Ok?) 3. First, WTF are these people thinking? Secondly, what are the people actually using this service thinking? Taking a vacation? I may rent a car. I usually keep my pants on when driving. Digging a few dozen post holes? I may rent a post hole digger. I usually keep my pants on when digging post holes. Living out some freaky fantasy with your girlfriend? Fine. My pants will come off for that. But you don't rent this kind of thing, alright?. ...And they patented the site name... Seriously, WTF? 4. Conspiracy Needs… Get your conspiracy needs here!!! From aliens, to secret new world orders, it's all here. I especially love the 9/11 wacky lib “Bush did it” tripe. This site is like Art Bell on acid. Charlie Sheen says he thinks the towers were blown up. And if Charlie says it.. well, you know it must be true. 5. Pimp my name? G. Digital K. Dazzle. Sounds like Snoop made that one up. 6. Mail order chickens? I think these guys should hook up with the folks from #3 above. Help give a chicken a good home. Preferably on a bed of wild rice.

My Links They Bring All The Girls To The Yard, And They're Like, Its Better Than Yours...

2006-03-31T20:15:00.000-08:00

With no apologies to Kelis. Man I hate that song. Word! 1. People need individuality to feel good. It's the nature of everyone to want to stand out in the crowd, and I understand that. People do not need this to accomplish that goal. 2. I love Super Mario, and I love MIT hacks. Who says nerds don't have some humor? Luigi!!! Another great site documenting MIT hacks can be found here. (Some pictures may not be safe for work) 3. I liked the unexpected reactions I had seeing the graffiti, messages, art, vandalism... Whatever you want to call it. Some are humorous, some mean absolutely nothing unless you are the author or in the know, and some mean what you whatever you want. Grab the spray paint and start tagging. 4. When I went to this site, the FBI opened a file on me. I am now in line to rule you. Be afraid. 5. This is why God invented dry cleaners. No ticky, no shirty. 6. The next story has so much potential, but I'll let your mind wander. Topics for jokes include: New Zealand, Sheep, pin-up calendar. Have at it. Brokeback sheep shearing. 7. A woman scorned... Tongue... the other white-trash meat.

Link'n. Link'n. Link'n The Night Awaaaayy

2006-03-30T18:47:00.000-08:00

1. Pondering. One thing I’ve wondered: My grandmother is in an assisted living facility. She coherent, and gets around slowly, but she's alright. Every month the home has a family dinner. At those dinners, there’s some kind of entertainment… maybe someone singing or playing songs from the 30s and 40s... You get the idea. What will happen when I’m that age? Will they bring in people to sing Pink Floyd, Metallica, or The Smiths? (#2 may not be safe for work) 2. My Space warning signs. Little things you should know before adding Mizz Sexxy Azz to your buddy list. 3. Daddy isn't in jail... he's visiting a friend. For 3 to 5 years. See.. Here he is in a nice garden... Yeah... That's it. 4. If there was a Che Gue-whatever the hell his name is dog, I’m sure he’d be in line with this. But not before he tortured and murdered a few hundred other dogs first. Viva La Revolution!!! 5. 99% of you know this guy. I don’t, because I work with my family…. Suckers!!! I'm going to need to you go ahead and come in on Saturday. . . m'okay? 6. Seems like a nice guy. Whoever dumped him should be found and beaten with a Fiat Panda (view it and you’ll understand) Do you like me? Check here for yes...

General Stuff

2006-03-30T06:47:00.000-08:00

A. This screams to be posted. Thanks to DPT.

B. What's in the CD player? 1. An American Wedding: Soundtrack 2. Smashing Pumkins: Gish 3. The Manhattans: Love Songs 4. Johnny Cash: American Recordings 5. Jesus and Mary Chain: 21 Singles 6. The Rolling Stones: Sticky Fingers 7. Journey: Departure 8. Diana Krall: The Girl in the Other Room 9. Roger Waters: The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking 10. Zero 7: Simple Things 11. Aimee Mann: Magnolia Soundtrack 12. Garden State: Soundtrack

13. Poe: Haunted

14. Sublime: 40oz. To Freedom 15. Metallica: Kill 'Em All (Hey Lars! I downloaded this from the internet. Bite me!) CDs or car iPod. The only way to keep your sanity driving to work in the morning.

Where The Links Have No Name

2006-03-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

1. The true definition of Punk'd 2. Be one of the few, the proud, the brave, the Sasquatch? 3. William Shatner. D list actor? Or unappreciated genius? I love you, Koko 4. Can also be used as sandpaper. I'm partial to the Philly design. Now that we have Terrell, I have reason to buy it. 5. I saw this and thought 5th graders doing Devo. Cute. Then I remembered the video. Just out of curiosity I was wondering if they’d have the class tramp standing around in her training bra smoking a cigarette… Nope. Funny though. Whip it good!

Link'n'stein

2006-03-29T07:44:00.000-08:00

1. Nothing funny about it, but very important. Click the pink. Pink ribbons Now.... Onto the other business at hand. 2. Sweet Lord. This isn't right. Shame that Jeffrey Dahmer isn't around to be the spokesperson: Nasty 3. Some bad, and some not too bad photos of homemade Star Wars outfits. Nerds!!! But, if I ever get married, I'll make sure to get my wife the Boba Fett outfit on page 3. Wow.

Some people need help Yes, I know the above picture shows old school Battlestar Galactica. I've been waiting for an opportunity to post it to demonstrate nerdness. But, the fact that you know it's old Battlestar and not Star Wars makes you a nerd too. 4. Spaceship dimensions??? Not nerds this time.. This is a geek. 5. He deserves his own cult. The Church of Scienthasselhoff. I like the sound of it. I bet I could dupe millions out of gullible people with false scientific (cough sci-fi cough) theory, and wacky machines. And if I could get a few actors to sign up for the sham, I'd never have to work a day in my life.... David Hasselhoff freaks me out.

6. Generate your own news story about someone in the office here. Then email the real looking "news" website to the everyone in the office. Cheesy prank, but it's worth a giggle. 7. This looks fun: Wok Boarding 8. The Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Sure. Everyone knows about that one. But what about Daft Punk's Homework and The Transformers Movie? Shine on you crazy Daft Punk??

Link'n Continental

2006-03-28T15:06:00.000-08:00

1. Gay? Not gay? Voting is not enabled, but I'd say this guy is gay. 2. Strangest fetish ever. Even stranger is that the site is safe for work. It rubs the lotion on it's skin

3. french? probably jacques chirac. Blurry video, but it wouldn't surprise me if it were him. This assclown oozes charm... Well, he oozes something Brie boy. 4. Unfortunate name. But I bet he has serious street cred:

Poo-Say?

Get the banjos ready....

5. I love police blotters. I especially love police blotters with pictures. Welcome to Denton, Texas. Home to The University of North Texas (Go Eagles), and some of the usual transients we used to see wandering up I-35. Here's the home page. And Here's a gentleman that appears to have been dragged down 30 years of bad road. (Maybe not safe for work) 6. Finally... More mug shots. Nothing says Dumb ass like having F You tattooed on your forehead.

Does It Get Any Better?

2006-03-27T11:39:00.000-08:00

The answer is no. How cool is this: Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) side band project Eagles of Death Metal with Jack Black and Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. Foo Fighters and Chili Peppers... One of the best shows I've been to. (Kinda not safe for work) Anyway, the video is here.

Tolerant... Bwaaaaaa (Sarcastic Laughter)

2006-03-27T08:40:00.000-08:00

San Francisco... Set in one of the most beautiful areas in the country. If you've never been to the wine area in Napa or Sonoma, you've missed out. It is also one of the best cities in the world to visit: The Warf, Alcatraz tours with former inmates and guards, China Town, Haight Ashbury, just walking the town, or living through an earthquake... you get the idea; it's an amazing place. But live there? No thanks. It has always been my argument that San Francisco, and Seattle to a lesser extent, are the way they are simply because of their distance from the seat of power in Washington D.C. It makes sense if you think about it. In San Francisco you have a natural port that allowed for the free trade of humanity you could not get anywhere else in the U.S. Ellis Island here? Nope. Just hop off the boat, find a job, and try to stay alive. Difficulty in travel also made the west coast more cut off from the main body of the country, and less likely to develop an idea of community with those states east of the Rockies. I see the same thing in Hawaii and Alaska. Sure they're states, but I know they consider themselves separate from the rest. Without going into dissertation mode, another good example of this is Russia. Look at Moscow and the distance between it, and Vladivostok. The entire country once stretched 11 time zones (if I remember correctly). Without fear of the communist regime, Russia fell apart. There was no real national unity. We are a little more lucky in this country since we've always had the freedom to do as we please as long as our actions did not infringe upon the rights of others. This idea seems lost on some around the bay area. San Francisco. liberal city of love, respect, and tolerance, shows how intolerant they are. The San Francisco treat? Setting the scene: A bunch of Christian kids gather in San Fran, the home of protests, to protest how pop culture is a bad influence on the youth of today. Granted, that argument has been around since the advent of Jazz, newspapers, and electric light. Side Note: Did you know "jazz" is slang for sex? Now you know. Anyway, the argument about ethics, mores, and the cultural acceptance of what used to be taboo ran into a snag this weekend. Would the city of tolerance accept these kids protesting in favor of what they believe to be a Godly life to be? Apparently not. Favorite lines from the story include: they (my insert: the kids) were greeted by an official city condemnation and a clutch of protesters who said their event amounted to a "fascist mega-pep rally." ...Assemblyman Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, who told counterprotesters at City Hall on Friday that while such fundamentalists may be small in number, "they're loud, they're obnoxious, they're disgusting, and they should get out of San Francisco." Wow. Good to see a member of the left willing to embrace someone that has an opposing view... Riiight... And of course, if there's a protest going on against something you support... counter protest, yeah, that's it! And the best protest groups are the ones that have absolutely no association with anything the original protest is about. I'm sure that even though the paper does not mention it, members of Che Guevara fan club were in attendance. ...50 protesters representing a rainbow of San Francisco's left -- from abortion-rights advocates to anti-war activists to atheists -- who staged Friday's counterprotest. Saving the best for last. Earlier this week, the Board of Supervisors passed a resolution condemning the "act of provocation" by what it termed an "anti-gay," "anti-choice" organization that aimed to "negatively influence the politics of America's most tolerant and progressive city." That statement has to be the best oxymoron I've ever heard: They (the most tolerant city in America) pass a resolution condemning the protestors? What a joke. What makes this story worthwhile? These statements from two of the kids: "It doesn't bother me," Gallion said. "It's a beautiful city, and we don't have anything against the protesters." and "I'm not here to hate anybody," Scott Thompson said. "This isn't about Bush or gays or anything other than being here to worship together." San Francisco, open your ears, and mind. You might learn a thing or two about real tolerance.

Link Me Again Ike. And This Time, Put Some Stank On It!

2006-03-25T21:15:00.000-08:00

Ahhh. The greatness of crawfish. My weekend consisted of 4 pounds of bugs, some beer, loosing $10 playing poker until 3:30 in the morning, and a round of golf today. Some advice for anyone reading: It's not in your best interest to have a 9:30 tee-time if you can get only 3 hours of sleep. Thanks to Richard, Jimp, and Turtle for christening my new house. I'm sure your wives also enjoyed getting you out of their hair for a while. A few more links for those that like them, and I'm going to bed. A. Let's try this one again. I posted it wrong before. Server is up and down, so come back to it later if you need to. Star Wars: Engrish style: Help me Obi-ran. You're my onry hope (Spelling errors are intentional... Think about it.) B. Crocodile Dundee would not be impressed. As a matter of fact, I bet he would have stayed inside for a little while just to jump rope with the intestines. Kind of sick, kind of long, kind of "Holy crap I hope this never happens to me." Crocodile tears? C. More animals? You bet! Stupid people. Silly bear. I love the look on her face as she sits down. You can see she's about to freak. And it doesn't take too long before her worst nightmare, besides waking up next to a naked Marv Albert and Dick Vitale after the NCAA Final Four, happens. Cute bears riding bicycles (Probably not safe for work) D. I don't get it... Statue molesting? Somewhere Rodin and Michelangelo are weeping E. Sammy Davis Jr's daughter? Just be thankful she didn't look up. I spy with my little glass eye... something gross.

A Quick Thank You

2006-03-24T12:37:00.000-08:00

Samantha, I doubt I'll ever win the "game" again. I got big time lucky with my guess. But I do want to say thanks for a great site. You can find Sam here, and the game is here.

California Linkin' On Such A Winters Day

2006-03-24T10:31:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I'm heading to gorge myself on crawfish and beer. Some links before I head out. 1. Break a leg.... Dumbass. There's a reason emergency room docs call people who ride motorcycles 'organ donors.' This explains that description perfectly. 2. Whenever I feel the need to really scare small children, old people, or stuffy white guys in wealthy neighborhoods, I dress up and act like Randy Moss. Cops usually come and beat me before realizing I'm a just a white guy wearing a mask. 3. Oldschool cartoons? Not really: (Not safe for work) How the Justice League would act if they were around today. Kind of like The Shield, but with more gay references. 4. More freaky Bat Man grooves. Give it a few moments for the picture and "music" to load... And have your speakers up. Is Bat Man tripping? 5. I'm guessing this really is a joke. If not, then I'm willing to bet she smells like cheese, has hairy pits, and drives a Prius. Fun, Quicky, Creepy, Baby 6. Old, but still funny. Beer looter guy video.

My Endless Links..... (Played To The Tune Of Endless Love)

2006-03-23T14:14:00.000-08:00

1,385. If you've seen the real film, you get it. If you haven't seen the real film, it doesn't matter. This freak was lucky enough to make it through several summers without having his intestines dangling from the jaws of a grizzly. It happened eventually. Something tells me God was playing with him. I hate hippies. Correction: I hate hippies who are still hippies. 3,596. Hmmm. They need donors? I see big bucks. 10 ½. Not safe for work. Not that it's dirty, but man this site can be sacrilegious. Want to mess with the company in post 3,596 above? Just put a vending machine full of these in front of their office. Pi = 3.14. Best Halloween costume ever . (probably not safe) Momma

When Links Asplode

2006-03-21T17:40:00.000-08:00

1. (Safe for work) The last thing I want is to go into a bar restroom and have some drunk guy taking a leak next to me bopping around like he's playing Dance, Dance, Revolution. This is so not a good idea. Urinal Games? 2. Staying with the potty humor... When you need a remote control for the toilet, there's something wrong with you. And I really don't want to think about the massage wash feature. If they come out with one that can mow the lawn, let me know. Although, this might be a great way to freak out the dog. Magical toilet 3. I posted the best music video ever the other day.

This is the worst.

4. Russian mines. Drinking on the job? Us? ...imposhible ocifer

And is that John Kerry answering?

5. How it should have ended. If I wrote screenplays, I'd consult these guys first. Somebody call the Wachowski brothers

Linked With Love

2006-03-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

1. When your baby has more teeth than you, you're white trash. When your stretch marks look like your hound dog, you're white trash. When your sister is also your aunt, you're white trash... You get the idea. Not bad for pulling those out of thin air. White Trash World And when you post your picture on the site above... It doesn't matter what color you are. You're just trash. Picture goodness: The joy of voting if they are white trash, or not. 2. This would make for an uncomfortable class. Another unfortunate name. Professor Tits? 3. It's freaking me out! Viet Nam Flashback? 4. Like being a kid in front of the fridge again. Magnets 5. Come back home Jessica and wash my car. By the way, despite what people say, and believe it or not, I do know.... She's not dumb. Dance, Dance, Dance 6. Jessica just doesn't have good taste in acting roles... Or acting for that matter. Them Duke boys are in a mess 'o trouble. Link #5 goes very well with link #1. Old School Dukes

I Link, Therefore I Am

2006-03-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

1. One for Risawn: Lock and load. Not as good as the other one, but not bad. The drawback is you only get a single burst. (Sorta not safe for work) 2. Pearl Jam lyrics in flash video goodness. Now I can understand what Eddie Vedder is saying. Trust me. It's worth it. Jeremy spoke in Flash (video) today 3. Toys for Tim Burton's children? Something to think about next Christmas... Or maybe Halloween. Toys in the attic 4. Who says tanning is bad for you? Rawhiiiide 5. I have one of these already. I call it a mockingbird. But I wouldn't bring it to work with me. The Mind Molester?

Zelda Looks For Link(s)

2006-03-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

1. I am getting old: Senior songs.

Take a look. If you can say: "Man, I remember when this one came out... and I heard it the other day on the adult contemporary station..." It's time to hang up the spandex, hair gel, and beer bong. (#2 Kinda not safe for work) 2. Sex ed for the media savvy kid. Peter the penis really needs to tone it down a bit. 3. Farts are funny, but not in confined spaces. Proudly made in America: A Poot pillow? I'm sure lots of people don't know about this product, but if I see you whip it out on a plane, and you're sitting next to me, I'm asking for a different seat. Going to the other extreme, we have Liquid Ass. Yes, I said liquid ass. Sounds like a drug from the 70s. And just so you know, it's not from the makers of Happy Fun Ball. I had no real reason to bring up Happy Fun Ball except I still find it funny.

I came across Liquid Ass and the poot pillow on the same day at different sites. They both claim to be proudly made in America. Why is it we can't make a car worth a crap (no pun intended) but we can make something called liquid ass, and another product that absorbs the smell (literally) of liquid ass? 4. Unfortunate name.What kind of last name is this anyway?

(#5 is safe for work) 5. I am frightened because of this video. Not just "that gives me shivers" frightened, but hiding under my bed frightened. Pre-op? Post-op? I don't know what's going on here, but the neighborhood dogs are howling.

Let Me Pinch You

2006-03-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day. And Erin Go Braugh. I'm not Catholic, so I don't look at this day as a religious occasion. To be honest, I don't think many people look upon St. Pat's Day as a holy day. But, I do recognize Paddy as a good Christian spreading Christ's word to my godless-heathen ancestors in Ireland . I'm not godless anymore, but I can still argue the heathen part sometimes. Info on St. Pat can be found here. Three small items: 1. I don't think there is anything sexier than a girl that speaks with an Irish lilt.... unless it's a girl with an Australian accent. 2. I apologize on behalf of Ireland for forcing Michael (Lord of the Dance) Flatley on the world. 3. And finally, to everyone, "Dé cúig bí fadó tusa"

Loosely tranlated Gaelic to English: "God's love be upon you."

Now... Go find someone to pinch.