Squirrel Talk

SQUIRRELLY WRATH!!! I woke up yesterday to what sounded like two or three people sitting on my roof typing very fast. It was a rapid-fire sound that really did sound like people banging away on a plastic keyboard. Normally I wake up about 6:30, but the other day my eyes popped open at 6:00 thanks to the pitter-patter of probably soon to be rabid animals. It was insane; I had these miserable bastards scurrying across my roof like some demented conga line from hell. So I pulled my ass out of bed, still not knowing what was going on. I thought it might be squirrels, but it could also be cats... And cats are just one step away from being in the same league as squirrels, so I wouldn't have been happy no matter what was causing the racket, and them taking away the sleep I love so dearly is more than I could take. As I go out on the back patio, everything is quiet and the sun is just peeking above some of the houses. A minute later, hell breaks loose. From across the alley I hear and see branches shaking on smaller trees behind a neighbor's fence. I was intrigued, so I watched. A few seconds later a squirrel takes a flying leap from the branch of said neighbor's tree, and lands on top of my fence. Three other squirrels follow in quick succession. Instead of jumping to the ground, the little plague carriers careen across the top of my fence until it meets my house. They could easily have taken a short-cut since I have a tree in the back yard that spans enough area to go from fence to house, but they seemed to behave like small children discovering the joy of a Halloween candy rush by taking the longest direction to get from wherever it was they came from, to wherever it was they were going. From the fence, all four of them make a b-line across the roof, above the area where my bedroom is, and then toward my garage. Then, they all made another flying leap that took them into my next door neighbor's yard. I was slightly amused, but it wore off quickly enough when the same thing was repeated in reverse, and they ended up back in the neighbor's yard behind me. I assume they were playing. However, play stopped at 6:20 when the BB gun came out and removed any doubt they needed to stay the hell off my roof so early in the morning. I believe "Squirrelly Cuteness" is an evolutionary device used by the squirrels take our mind off their disease-ridden carcasses, and prevents us from doing what should be done... Eliminating them through bb guns, or high doses of radiation. They shake their tail, and they scurry around, looking so happy.... Forget the evolution device... I bet rabbits taught them the tail shake. Yeah... rabbits are just as evil as squirrels... Anyway, a squirrel's nose isn't as large and pronounced as a rabbit's nose, so squirrels need something large enough to be seen by a human when they come toward it with an axe raised above their head, ready to cut it up into "Deliverence Stew." So, the squirrel flicks it's tail, looks cute, people forget about what flea motels and disease factories they can be, and they are released from the certain death they deserve. Squirrels are cute. There's no denying that. But their cuteness resides in the tail. Think in terms of a gold-digger (Anna Nicole Smith) when I use the following analogy, "Old rich men are cute, but their cuteness is all in the bank account." That didn't come out right since I'm a straight guy, but at least you can see what I'm talking about. I'm sure some 90 year old codger can be the life of the party, but would anyone in their right mind actually sleep with them? Now ask the squirrel the same question... No, not if you would sleep with one, but would the animal still be as cute if it didn't have a fluffy tail? Wouldn't it be a brown rat without the furry tail? Something to think about. One big question comes to mind... Can anyone tell me what squirrels are good for anyway? Do they serve a purpose that benefits anyone, or are they simply God's way of saying He ran out of ideas, but had a few spare parts left over, so He took a rat and stuck the tail of a Pomeranian to its ass? Here's hoping the slightly cuter than rats, but nowhere near the greatness of dogs, that survived my BB gun attack, get crushed under the wheels of any car driving down my street. Squirrelly bastards...