Friday, October 27, 2006

All Hallow's Eve Stuff... Or Halloween Stuff For Those Thinking "What's A Hallow's?"

The mystery... The magic... The sweet freakin' high from sugar filled candy that kept me strung out for days. As a child, other than Christmas, my favorite holiday was Halloween. What other night was it acceptable to go up to a stranger's house and ask them for candy? You also got to act like a wild animal for a few hours and nobody cared. It's a shame much of the innocence has been lost. Many opt for "safe" parties at churches or youth oriented organizations instead of taking the chance that little Johnny will get a razorblade filled apple.

It also seems that Halloween has been transformed into just another opportunity for adults to get their drunk on at parties. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I remember so clearly in my youth that Halloween was a day (and night) set aside for the kids. The great thing about Halloween this year is having my own home, and actually wanting to stay there and hand out chocolate to the kids. Now where did I put those razorblades...? Yes, I'm kidding. Before I get to the "treats" of this post, I'd like to offer a breakdown of the history of "feed me candy for dinner" night.

The name Halloween is Scottish in origin and is short for "All Hallow's Eve," the night before "All Hallow's Day," or All Saint's Day. That day was set by Pope Boniface IV to honor the Catholic saints, and also to replace a Roman pagan festival of the dead (which had been held in late February, the end of the old Roman year). Later, Pope Gregory III changed All Saint's Day to November 1. By the time Christianity came to the British Isles, local folk had already been celebrating their own festival of the dead on Samhain (November 1, the Celtic new year). According to author Jack Santino in "Halloween and other Festivals of Death and Life" (University of Tennessee Press), "Many traditional beliefs and customs associated with Samhain, most notable that night was the time of the wandering dead, the practice of leaving offerings of food and drink to masked and costumed revelers, and the lighting of bonfires, continued to be practiced on 31 October." In other words, the Christian church incorporated local Irish, Scottish, and Welsh pagan traditions into one of its own holy days. Just as the old fertility symbols of the rabbit and the evergreen tree became parts of Easter and Christmas, so have the symbols of the end of the fall harvest season and the coming of darkness become parts of a modern western-world celebration.

Gotta love my ancestors for starting up a holiday like this. Now, the treats...

1. I’m wondering what parent would let their son go out in this... Unless they are from San Francisco. I can see it now: Little Johnny... The real San Francisco treat... Or would he be a "trick?"

No need to x-ray little Johnny's candy since the only treats he will get wearing this costume will be bottles of Astroglide, scented love oils, and phone numbers from guys named Chaz and Trey.

2. Practice your pumpkin carving skills before getting all that crap on your hands.

The great thing about pumpkins is you can eat their brains

3. Find the horror/scary movie titles shown in the picture at the link below. Click on a section of the picture and type in the correct movie title. Example: The eyes on the side of the hill would be: "The Hills Have Eyes." Be precise with your spelling of the movie name or it will say you're wrong. Answers are at the bottom of this post.

M&Ms don't taste like brains

4. How about Zombie Streisand? Sorry Kelly. It fit the zombie theme.

Evil Games

5. Kill the zombies.

I'm going to rip off your head and crap down your neck... Then I'm going to eat your brains.

6. Bill is a demon that enjoys eating tortured souls... And Bill gets very hungry.

Bill apparently doesn't like brains... Just the fleshy parts of damned souls.

7. Evil zombies and their need for brains.

Protect you home from, what else? Brain eating zombies.

8. The award for most tasteless costume, and all-around asshole goes to Bill Maher for dressing up as Steve Irwin. Here's hoping a similar fate of being dismembered, disemboweled, or shanked with a lead pipe befalls Bill before the year comes to a close.

Answers for the movies in link #3: 1. 12 Monkeys 2. A Clockwork Orange 3. Alien 4. Beetle Juice 5. Blade 6. Blue Velvet 7. Butterfly Effect 8. Candyman 9. Creature From the Black Lagoon 10. Children of the Corn 11. Childs Play 12. Dark Water 13. Eraserhead 14. Friday the 13th 15. Halloween 16. House of Wax 17. Jaws 18. Nightmare on Elm Street 19. Pirahna 20. Pitch Black 21. Pumpkinhead 22. Psycho 23. Rear Window 24. Rosemary's Baby 25. Saw 26. Scream 27. Se7en 28. Signs 29. Silence of the Lambs 30. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 31. The 39 steps 32. The Birds 33. The Crow 34. The Dead Zone 35. The Fly 36. The Grudge 37. The Howling 38. The Hills Have Eyes 39. The Invisible Man 40. The Leprechaun 41. The Lost Boys 42. The Mummy 43. The Omen 44. The Ring 45. The Shining 46. The Sixth Sense 47. The Village 48. The War of the Worlds 49. Twin Peaks 50. Wickerman

Happy Halloween everyone!


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Dear Rooster Cashews, My Boyfriend Will Not Stop Farting In Bed. What Can I Do? Signed: Gas Mask In Greenville.

While checking email at my Hotmail address the other day I came across one of those worthless "news-bites" they have right before you enter the main page. Usually it's some fluff piece from Men's Health, or Cosmo, or a writer employed at MSN that can't find a job in their chosen profession of cleaning toilets after finishing a day's work of programming the new Vista operating system for Microsoft... Same people. You know the type of article... "10 steps to prepare yourself the perfect vacation," or "How to get that special person to notice you." It's meant to be a simple interest story read in under three minutes that you can tell to others when you're at the water cooler after finishing your first round of slamming the boss for being a moron. This one was a "Dear Abby" type of article under the title of "Women: 7 Relationship Rules." I was intrigued because women fascinate me, and also because I have no clue how a woman's mind works. That may sound bad on my part, but think about it: How many guys can honestly say they understand how a woman's mind works? I don't see any hands in the air from the male audience, so I'll assume the answer is zero. Since they don't pass out books on the subject once you hit puberty, guys are left wondering why a crying jag is going on just because we said we liked her new pants, or why her voice raised three octaves with a reply when we say like "A" over "B." I'm clueless. And maybe that's for the best. The last thing I do is take any of the articles to heart. But they amuse me with their quick-fix answers to something that is so much deeper than a three minute help guide can answer. So, for grins I've decided to post the article along with a rebuttal of sorts. And before I go any farther, let me say the rebuttal is a joke, ok? First: The MSN piece Q: My boyfriend and I disagree on many things. We end up arguing because I feel like he is trying to one-up me. He says that he is only trying to explain why he disagrees, but I end up feeling like he's trying to make me feel that my opinion on something is wrong and that his is the better. I usually get ticked off and twist his words around and make sarcastic remarks, which does not make the situation any better. He has asked me why I would think he would hurt me intentionally, and I have no answer. How can I get past our disagreements without feeling like he's trying to blame me or one-up me? Tart. A: Dear Tart: Sounds to me like you recognize the obstacles you're putting in the way of a strong relationship. That's a good first step, since no progress can be made otherwise. It would be interesting to think about your family and if there was anyone who made you feel your opinions were wrong. Perhaps you're reacting to old stuff that has nothing to do with your boyfriend. I'm not a psychologist, so I can't advise you there. However, I do know a lot about communications and I've come up with what I call "Fair Fighting Rules." Here they are: 1. Use "I" language. The word "you" will, most assuredly, cause someone to become defensive. The minute we hear "You did this" or "You did that," we feel we are being judged and our automatic human reaction is to defend our position. The moment we become defensive, communication stops. 2. No "zinging." Many of us think a little, friendly "zing" or sarcastic remark is harmless. Not so. In fact, one of the number-one indicators of underlying conflict or negativity within a work environment or relationship is increased sarcasm. There is nothing harmless about it. 3. Don't "chase rabbits." Not sticking to the topic at hand, or chasing rabbits, creates a negative emotional reaction in others. When we don't stick to the point, the person trying to listen is first confused, then impatient and finally resentful. 4. Don't interrupt. It's not only rude, but it often creates the opposite of what we want to achieve. When we interrupt, we generally think we will end or reduce the length of the conversation, but the opposite is true. 5. Restate what you heard. We should make this tip a habit in all our conversations. If we have restated the other person's message correctly, their reaction will most often be, "She DID understand me!" Then you can move on to the next issue. 6. Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word "why." That puts people on the defensive -- and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it. 7. Stay in the today, not the yesterday. Often, when we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to throw up the past, or blame. Blaming is a judgment and automatically causes the other person to become defensive. Here's my advice for Tart. Remember what you should have learned in elementary school: Play nice, share your toys, and listen. Pretty simple stuff that goes over well in the adult world too. I should have been a psychologist. And now a rebuttal from the men: I can't wait to get angry replies from the National Organization for Women. Save your keyboard. It's humor, ok? Click the pic so you can read it.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Baseball Been Berry, Berry Good To Me

Jock-strap? Check... Protective cup? Check... Cleats? Check... More bad games and useless crap? Double check. 1. Since the World Series is going on right now I figured a baseball game would be nice. I was wrong. The following game sucks. Out of 30 odd pitches at the lowest speed, I only hit two. This game reminded me why I stopped playing baseball when I was 13, and moved on to football, track, and soccer. Even real basesball was easier than this game. Think you can do better than me? By the way, it works better on higher speeds. Adjust your cup, scratch, and spit Other useless games on this site include archery, discus throwing, and garage door tennis, just to name a few. It's like the old ATARI games, but with poorer graphics. More crap here 2. Going old school. If I was still in college, I would so buy these to stick on the wall. Of course, having those on my wall now (or in college) and getting a date any time soon would be impossible.
No, this in not a picture of my room.
3. Since winter is approaching, and ski season is almost here... Not that I've been in 10 years, but it's the thought that counts... A game that is just slightly better than the old skiing game that used to come pre-loaded with Minesweeper on computers. No Yetis eating you in this game, but you do have people shooting at you, and houses to crash into. Got my K2's waxed and ready 4. Someone tell Bill Cower to pull that pineapple out of his ass. Here's your chance to mess with the most constipated man in football. If you could, wouldn't you bitch slap him as well? 5. Finally, keeping the sports theme going... Before the Dallas Stars were the Dallas Stars, they were the Minnesota North Stars. I bet that pissed the holy hell out of anyone from Minnesota when the Stars moved to Dallas. Anyway, I've been waiting to post this for a while, but never really had a place for it. Since this post is a mix of stuff, I thought I'd throw this in here. Hockey smack rules. WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE. NOT SAFE FOR WORK And if Youtube craps out, here's a link to it on Google Video. Now I know why so many fights break out a hockey games

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Media Time

This week it's all about entertainment... Really bad entertainment. The links below are more random crap found on the net, that for the most part defies logic. How did this stuff get on the air? And yes, there are some other links with some redeeming value, (like the one I did in #4) but not much. 1. How well do you know your movies? 30 picture scenes from movies that you have to guess the title. I only got 14 correct. I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore! 2. Awful commercials with videos to prove it. From the newest on television, and those from the past, to regional and national spots, and print and radio, it's all here. Taken from the site describing that damned Head-On headache product: In some ways, I feel this is too awful of a commercial for Awful Commercials. It’s kind of like playing tag with the kid in the motorized wheelchair. Sometimes I wake up at night from a dream about elementary school, wondering if that poor kid is still “it” somewhere, sitting sadly and wheelchair-bound at his computer programming job. I've fallen, and I can't reach my remote control 3. Did you know Bugs Bunny and Daffy were trying to brainwash children with hidden messages? Looney Tunes animators placed hidden jokes in the reels and no one was aware of it... Until now!!! Alright, they weren't trying to brainwash kids, they just put in a bunch of stuff that only a few people would get. Guess you have to do something to make your day go by when you're staring at 300 hand-drawn pages of Porky Pig dancing for weeks at a time just to make a 30 second cartoon segment. That's (kill your family) all (worship Foghorn) folks! 4. Create your own Indian show... Not the woo-woo kind, I'm talking about the curry and garlic type. Stolen politely from here Here's my entry: Thank you. Come again. The following video is not from the site above, but it haunts my dreams with the sheer creepiness of it. Evil kid, or midget Indian (curry, not woo-woo) break dancing. 5. Old game. Still fun. Kill some time... Kill some squares. Get your blood pressure up because you keep missing the damn ball. It's closing in on me!!!!!!!! Songs from the ghost of Christmas Past This week brings a new (not really) offering from Echo and the Bunnymen. The best of Echo and the Bunnymen: More Songs To Learn And Sing. The CD is your typical rehash of days gone by, and is nothing more than a reissue of a 1985 disc with some additional music thrown in. The original band split in 1988, but some of the group is still together off and on. I'm more partial to their Ocean Rain CD from 1984, or Crocodiles from 1980, but this CD is actually a good way to taste what the group had to offer.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I've Had Tex-Mex That Made Me Feel The Same Way

I have posted some seriously strange stuff in the past... People with burping fetishes, underwear safes that hide your money, and come with fake skid-marks to ward away potential thieves, fart mats that absorb any odious fumes from the offending backside... The list goes on and on. But there is nothing that compares to the story below. Many years ago I read about how it was not advisable to "relieve" yourself in the bathroom when a lightning storm was going on. The theory was that a direct hit by lightning to any exposed plumbing could transfer the electrical discharge to your "discharge." I always thought the tale was a little bit wonky, but I had it in the back of my mind every time a storm blew through and I felt the need to expel whatever liquid was consumed earlier. Turns out the story is true... The only humorous thing I can think to say is a response from Richard Fest when talking with him earlier tonight. He thought of the line "You're Gonna Eat Lightning and Crap Thunder, Kid." That little bit of verse comes from Rocky. And I think it fits perfectly with the story.
Full story is here A WOMAN has suffered severe burning to her anus after being struck by lightning which hit her in the mouth and passed right through her body. Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at in her home in the Croatian city of Zadar when lightning struck the building. She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building. "I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body. "It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don't remember much at all." Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: "The accident is bizarre but not impossible." She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside," a medic told local newspaper, 24 Sata.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Various Clothing And Sundries For White Trash

This week it's all about the disturbing things you find online, and the white trash these site's are geared to. No, I'm not talking about goat porn, NASCAR, or wrestling. I'm talking about items that no white trash slob should be without. Can't afford that signed picture of Waylon Jennings your wife has been hounding you about for years to hang beside the Velvet Elvis? Your prayers have been answered! The items below are just sad enough to make even the most wretched in society feel loved. 1. A site to purchase celebrity socks. When I checked, they had socks from Moby, a news anchor, and two other no-names. None of the above rate as celebrities in my book... unless you're from England and know who these people are... But if you want a sock worn by Moby, framed behind glass, this is a good site to fulfill that lifelong dream. I shake my head in sadness at how far humanity has fallen. Head to the "product" section for a picture and description. I'll go halves on anyone buying the Moby sock if they use it to strangle him. Here's hoping you lose whatever you buy from this site in the washing machine 2. Really bad auctions. I’m partial to the evil clown lava lamp. It's perfect to use as junior's night-light. Of course the nude ceramic salt and pepper shaker is also a must for any discerning gourmet that classifies having grits with every meal as getting their proper daily requirement of the bread food group. Some of you out there probably want this stuff, don't you? 3. Ugly dresses, tuxedos. Holy crap I feel sorry for some of you women who degrade yourselves just because a friend is getting married, and wants all the bridesmaids to wear a green and black Scarlet O’hara antebellum dress. Frankly my dear, you look like an after dinner mint 4. Need a special gift for the transvestite in your life to make him/her more appealing and shapely? Does your wife or girlfriend feel she needs a "rise behind the thighs?" Or maybe your baby's mama needs a little more "junk in the trunk" to keep that "Hip Hop Ho" look? Well look no further! Treat the person you love to a butt lift. Dr. George Lefkovits will have your buttocks watermelon round in no time. Needless to say, this site is probably not safe for work. Pictures of cheeks abound. Baby Got back, indeed. I like big butts and I can not lie, Dr. Lefkovits won't deny.... 5. How I wasted time this week. I didn't see any whales to kill. Maybe I didn't play long enough. Go Fish!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Sometimes It's All About The "O". This Time, It's All About The Punks

Using "punks" in a general way... This week the links revolve around counter-culture. I should probably use the term sub-culture, since this doesn't have anything to do with Hippies, Communists, or the dirty and unwashed you see hanging around a Phish concert. 1. Apparently in the following game I’m some kind of German soccer hooligan. Set fires, throw rocks, avoid the police... You know.. just like the average European footba... I mean soccer fan.

Manchester United rules!!! Anyone who doesn't agree will taste the underside of my jackboots. 2. The little Goth girl. Have a look at the rest of the site for other offbeat toons. Death.. Despair.. Loneliness.. Admire my bleak outlook. 3. I bob my head, swirl the hair out of my eyes, and moan about my life. How to dance like a Goth. Too cool to enjoy music, I'll just stare into my coffee and ponder death. I would think Goth dancing is a joke if it weren’t for the rest of the site. How to be Goth Several items on the above link are interesting... or disturbing: News: The owner of vampirefreaks.com states on his site that “the goth scene is a very friendly, nurturing, non-violent community” How to: Big Hair: The Real Secrets. Odds and ends: The Undead Adventures of Formaldihyde Fix And best of all... Poetry of the DAMNED!!!!! 4. Despite this game, I still want to beat the crap out of mimes just because they are annoying. I consider mimes to be the parents of the Goth movement... (not really, but it fits the theme I'm going for) Pasty white make-up, always sad because no one pays attention to them... Like sedated clowns... you get the idea. Marcel Marceau is silently weeping while trying to get out of an invisible box because of this game. 5. Finally, Most Goths believe themselves to be deep thinkers, explorers of the sorrow filled world and the hidden mysteries it contains... Whatever. Here, have a look at real deep thought. A little bit of philosophy, and some junk psychology thrown in with principles of accounting 101, and you have some of the brightest minds on the human condition for over 2000 years. If a Goth cries in the woods, does anyone hear it? Ghost of Music Past This week I came across Under Construction, the early demos for The Wall by Pink Floyd. This CD is not authorized by the band, or anyone associated with them. If you have The Beatles Anthology series, you'll know what I mean when I say the songs here are the rough cuts before being polished and refined. For example: In this recording, the song Young Lust is only an instrumental, One Of My Turns sounds like Waters or Gilmour doing the voice of the girl groupie. And the most recognized song from the album, Another Brick in the Wall Part 2, doesn't have the children back-up singers, but does have Waters singing the entire song sounding as crazy as Pink was supposed to have been. The greatness behind this CD is seeing and hearing the raw version of the full album, what Waters' original plan was, and how it changed in the final product to become one of the biggest selling albums in history.


Tuesday, October 03, 2006

20 Years Now. Where'd They Go? 20 Years. I Don't Know.

I use the title for a reason... 20 years ago I graduated high school. Before Chevrolet took Bob Seger's song and crammed it down everyone's throat as advertising fodder for their truck line, it had a special meaning for me. The summer of 1986 (when the song came out) was spent with friends from high school doing odd jobs to make money. I mowed lawns, roofed several houses, and generally had a good time. The days were spent working, and the nights were spent drinking beer at their houses, and swimming in their pools until three in the morning. Then, we'd get up and do it all over again. I remember it was hot when working in the sun, but I never remember complaining. Time may have dulled that part, but I don't think I thought about sweating buckets while standing on a roof, or bagging grass for $25 a pop. I was (to steal the title song) like a rock, young and determined. The song was special because of the video that accompanied it. You remember music videos, right? I think VH1 Classic is the only station left that plays music videos on a fairly consistent basis. The others seem to have lost that programming style. That's probably a good thing. Anyway, the video shows Seger pulling up to a train crossing, waiting for the train to pass, and he reflects back on his youth by seeing his past on the other side of the tracks. I looked, back when I was 18, at that video and wondered what would become of me in 20 years? Would I measure up to my future dreams? The answer now is yes, and no. Could it be any other? I don't think so. The young have an idealized view of life that is skewed by limited perspective. Time gives a little to you as you work toward your goals, and strips away the others leaving them in the dust. And that's probably a good thing too. Needs change. Perspectives change. Life changes. Who would want those youthful dreams now? Not me... Except for the one about being married to a supermodel... The whole reason for this melancholy reminiscence is because my 20th reunion is approaching and I realized a few months ago that I don't care. I grew up in a town just outside Dallas proper, and moved to the North Dallas area when I was 13. The friends I knew there are gone, and scattered across the country. I hesitate to even call them friends since I have not spoken to one of them since the 10-year reunion. After graduation I realized that my real friends were the ones I knew from my youngest days before I moved, and that's where my life and future lay now. I have a close-knit group that I know and call friends, and I think that's the way it should be. Youth is gone. Some of my dreams are gone. I'm still not married to a supermodel, or anyone else for that matter. But the life I have now is the way it should be, and not the way I thought it would be. I bought a house last year, and I have a great job working with my family... My dreams didn't turn out the way I expected; they turned out better. And that is more than anything I could have dreamed up at 18. The reunion is on October 20th. I think I'll skip this one instead of rehashing a past life that holds no importance to me now.
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