Friday, March 31, 2006

My Links They Bring All The Girls To The Yard, And They're Like, Its Better Than Yours...

With no apologies to Kelis. Man I hate that song. Word! 1. People need individuality to feel good. It's the nature of everyone to want to stand out in the crowd, and I understand that. People do not need this to accomplish that goal. 2. I love Super Mario, and I love MIT hacks. Who says nerds don't have some humor? Luigi!!! Another great site documenting MIT hacks can be found here. (Some pictures may not be safe for work) 3. I liked the unexpected reactions I had seeing the graffiti, messages, art, vandalism... Whatever you want to call it. Some are humorous, some mean absolutely nothing unless you are the author or in the know, and some mean what you whatever you want. Grab the spray paint and start tagging. 4. When I went to this site, the FBI opened a file on me. I am now in line to rule you. Be afraid. 5. This is why God invented dry cleaners. No ticky, no shirty. 6. The next story has so much potential, but I'll let your mind wander. Topics for jokes include: New Zealand, Sheep, pin-up calendar. Have at it. Brokeback sheep shearing. 7. A woman scorned... Tongue... the other white-trash meat.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Link'n. Link'n. Link'n The Night Awaaaayy

1. Pondering. One thing I’ve wondered: My grandmother is in an assisted living facility. She coherent, and gets around slowly, but she's alright. Every month the home has a family dinner. At those dinners, there’s some kind of entertainment… maybe someone singing or playing songs from the 30s and 40s... You get the idea. What will happen when I’m that age? Will they bring in people to sing Pink Floyd, Metallica, or The Smiths? (#2 may not be safe for work) 2. My Space warning signs. Little things you should know before adding Mizz Sexxy Azz to your buddy list. 3. Daddy isn't in jail... he's visiting a friend. For 3 to 5 years. See.. Here he is in a nice garden... Yeah... That's it. 4. If there was a Che Gue-whatever the hell his name is dog, I’m sure he’d be in line with this. But not before he tortured and murdered a few hundred other dogs first. Viva La Revolution!!! 5. 99% of you know this guy. I don’t, because I work with my family…. Suckers!!! I'm going to need to you go ahead and come in on Saturday. . . m'okay? 6. Seems like a nice guy. Whoever dumped him should be found and beaten with a Fiat Panda (view it and you’ll understand) Do you like me? Check here for yes...

General Stuff

A. This screams to be posted. Thanks to DPT.

B. What's in the CD player? 1. An American Wedding: Soundtrack 2. Smashing Pumkins: Gish 3. The Manhattans: Love Songs 4. Johnny Cash: American Recordings 5. Jesus and Mary Chain: 21 Singles 6. The Rolling Stones: Sticky Fingers 7. Journey: Departure 8. Diana Krall: The Girl in the Other Room 9. Roger Waters: The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking 10. Zero 7: Simple Things 11. Aimee Mann: Magnolia Soundtrack 12. Garden State: Soundtrack

13. Poe: Haunted

14. Sublime: 40oz. To Freedom 15. Metallica: Kill 'Em All (Hey Lars! I downloaded this from the internet. Bite me!) CDs or car iPod. The only way to keep your sanity driving to work in the morning.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Where The Links Have No Name

1. The true definition of Punk'd 2. Be one of the few, the proud, the brave, the Sasquatch? 3. William Shatner. D list actor? Or unappreciated genius? I love you, Koko 4. Can also be used as sandpaper. I'm partial to the Philly design. Now that we have Terrell, I have reason to buy it. 5. I saw this and thought 5th graders doing Devo. Cute. Then I remembered the video. Just out of curiosity I was wondering if they’d have the class tramp standing around in her training bra smoking a cigarette… Nope. Funny though. Whip it good!


1. Nothing funny about it, but very important. Click the pink. Pink ribbons Now.... Onto the other business at hand. 2. Sweet Lord. This isn't right. Shame that Jeffrey Dahmer isn't around to be the spokesperson: Nasty 3. Some bad, and some not too bad photos of homemade Star Wars outfits. Nerds!!! But, if I ever get married, I'll make sure to get my wife the Boba Fett outfit on page 3. Wow.

Some people need help Yes, I know the above picture shows old school Battlestar Galactica. I've been waiting for an opportunity to post it to demonstrate nerdness. But, the fact that you know it's old Battlestar and not Star Wars makes you a nerd too. 4. Spaceship dimensions??? Not nerds this time.. This is a geek. 5. He deserves his own cult. The Church of Scienthasselhoff. I like the sound of it. I bet I could dupe millions out of gullible people with false scientific (cough sci-fi cough) theory, and wacky machines. And if I could get a few actors to sign up for the sham, I'd never have to work a day in my life.... David Hasselhoff freaks me out.

6. Generate your own news story about someone in the office here. Then email the real looking "news" website to the everyone in the office. Cheesy prank, but it's worth a giggle. 7. This looks fun: Wok Boarding 8. The Wizard of Oz and Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Sure. Everyone knows about that one. But what about Daft Punk's Homework and The Transformers Movie? Shine on you crazy Daft Punk??

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Link'n Continental

1. Gay? Not gay? Voting is not enabled, but I'd say this guy is gay. 2. Strangest fetish ever. Even stranger is that the site is safe for work. It rubs the lotion on it's skin

3. french? probably jacques chirac. Blurry video, but it wouldn't surprise me if it were him. This assclown oozes charm... Well, he oozes something Brie boy. 4. Unfortunate name. But I bet he has serious street cred:


Get the banjos ready....

5. I love police blotters. I especially love police blotters with pictures. Welcome to Denton, Texas. Home to The University of North Texas (Go Eagles), and some of the usual transients we used to see wandering up I-35. Here's the home page. And Here's a gentleman that appears to have been dragged down 30 years of bad road. (Maybe not safe for work) 6. Finally... More mug shots. Nothing says Dumb ass like having F You tattooed on your forehead.


Monday, March 27, 2006

Does It Get Any Better?

The answer is no. How cool is this: Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age) side band project Eagles of Death Metal with Jack Black and Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters. Foo Fighters and Chili Peppers... One of the best shows I've been to. (Kinda not safe for work) Anyway, the video is here.

Tolerant... Bwaaaaaa (Sarcastic Laughter)

San Francisco... Set in one of the most beautiful areas in the country. If you've never been to the wine area in Napa or Sonoma, you've missed out. It is also one of the best cities in the world to visit: The Warf, Alcatraz tours with former inmates and guards, China Town, Haight Ashbury, just walking the town, or living through an earthquake... you get the idea; it's an amazing place. But live there? No thanks. It has always been my argument that San Francisco, and Seattle to a lesser extent, are the way they are simply because of their distance from the seat of power in Washington D.C. It makes sense if you think about it. In San Francisco you have a natural port that allowed for the free trade of humanity you could not get anywhere else in the U.S. Ellis Island here? Nope. Just hop off the boat, find a job, and try to stay alive. Difficulty in travel also made the west coast more cut off from the main body of the country, and less likely to develop an idea of community with those states east of the Rockies. I see the same thing in Hawaii and Alaska. Sure they're states, but I know they consider themselves separate from the rest. Without going into dissertation mode, another good example of this is Russia. Look at Moscow and the distance between it, and Vladivostok. The entire country once stretched 11 time zones (if I remember correctly). Without fear of the communist regime, Russia fell apart. There was no real national unity. We are a little more lucky in this country since we've always had the freedom to do as we please as long as our actions did not infringe upon the rights of others. This idea seems lost on some around the bay area. San Francisco. liberal city of love, respect, and tolerance, shows how intolerant they are. The San Francisco treat? Setting the scene: A bunch of Christian kids gather in San Fran, the home of protests, to protest how pop culture is a bad influence on the youth of today. Granted, that argument has been around since the advent of Jazz, newspapers, and electric light. Side Note: Did you know "jazz" is slang for sex? Now you know. Anyway, the argument about ethics, mores, and the cultural acceptance of what used to be taboo ran into a snag this weekend. Would the city of tolerance accept these kids protesting in favor of what they believe to be a Godly life to be? Apparently not. Favorite lines from the story include: they (my insert: the kids) were greeted by an official city condemnation and a clutch of protesters who said their event amounted to a "fascist mega-pep rally." ...Assemblyman Mark Leno, D-San Francisco, who told counterprotesters at City Hall on Friday that while such fundamentalists may be small in number, "they're loud, they're obnoxious, they're disgusting, and they should get out of San Francisco." Wow. Good to see a member of the left willing to embrace someone that has an opposing view... Riiight... And of course, if there's a protest going on against something you support... counter protest, yeah, that's it! And the best protest groups are the ones that have absolutely no association with anything the original protest is about. I'm sure that even though the paper does not mention it, members of Che Guevara fan club were in attendance. ...50 protesters representing a rainbow of San Francisco's left -- from abortion-rights advocates to anti-war activists to atheists -- who staged Friday's counterprotest. Saving the best for last. Earlier this week, the Board of Supervisors passed a resolution condemning the "act of provocation" by what it termed an "anti-gay," "anti-choice" organization that aimed to "negatively influence the politics of America's most tolerant and progressive city." That statement has to be the best oxymoron I've ever heard: They (the most tolerant city in America) pass a resolution condemning the protestors? What a joke. What makes this story worthwhile? These statements from two of the kids: "It doesn't bother me," Gallion said. "It's a beautiful city, and we don't have anything against the protesters." and "I'm not here to hate anybody," Scott Thompson said. "This isn't about Bush or gays or anything other than being here to worship together." San Francisco, open your ears, and mind. You might learn a thing or two about real tolerance.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Link Me Again Ike. And This Time, Put Some Stank On It!

Ahhh. The greatness of crawfish. My weekend consisted of 4 pounds of bugs, some beer, loosing $10 playing poker until 3:30 in the morning, and a round of golf today. Some advice for anyone reading: It's not in your best interest to have a 9:30 tee-time if you can get only 3 hours of sleep. Thanks to Richard, Jimp, and Turtle for christening my new house. I'm sure your wives also enjoyed getting you out of their hair for a while. A few more links for those that like them, and I'm going to bed. A. Let's try this one again. I posted it wrong before. Server is up and down, so come back to it later if you need to. Star Wars: Engrish style: Help me Obi-ran. You're my onry hope (Spelling errors are intentional... Think about it.) B. Crocodile Dundee would not be impressed. As a matter of fact, I bet he would have stayed inside for a little while just to jump rope with the intestines. Kind of sick, kind of long, kind of "Holy crap I hope this never happens to me." Crocodile tears? C. More animals? You bet! Stupid people. Silly bear. I love the look on her face as she sits down. You can see she's about to freak. And it doesn't take too long before her worst nightmare, besides waking up next to a naked Marv Albert and Dick Vitale after the NCAA Final Four, happens. Cute bears riding bicycles (Probably not safe for work) D. I don't get it... Statue molesting? Somewhere Rodin and Michelangelo are weeping E. Sammy Davis Jr's daughter? Just be thankful she didn't look up. I spy with my little glass eye... something gross.

Friday, March 24, 2006

A Quick Thank You

Samantha, I doubt I'll ever win the "game" again. I got big time lucky with my guess. But I do want to say thanks for a great site. You can find Sam here, and the game is here.

California Linkin' On Such A Winters Day

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I'm heading to gorge myself on crawfish and beer. Some links before I head out. 1. Break a leg.... Dumbass. There's a reason emergency room docs call people who ride motorcycles 'organ donors.' This explains that description perfectly. 2. Whenever I feel the need to really scare small children, old people, or stuffy white guys in wealthy neighborhoods, I dress up and act like Randy Moss. Cops usually come and beat me before realizing I'm a just a white guy wearing a mask. 3. Oldschool cartoons? Not really: (Not safe for work) How the Justice League would act if they were around today. Kind of like The Shield, but with more gay references. 4. More freaky Bat Man grooves. Give it a few moments for the picture and "music" to load... And have your speakers up. Is Bat Man tripping? 5. I'm guessing this really is a joke. If not, then I'm willing to bet she smells like cheese, has hairy pits, and drives a Prius. Fun, Quicky, Creepy, Baby 6. Old, but still funny. Beer looter guy video.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

My Endless Links..... (Played To The Tune Of Endless Love)

1,385. If you've seen the real film, you get it. If you haven't seen the real film, it doesn't matter. This freak was lucky enough to make it through several summers without having his intestines dangling from the jaws of a grizzly. It happened eventually. Something tells me God was playing with him. I hate hippies. Correction: I hate hippies who are still hippies. 3,596. Hmmm. They need donors? I see big bucks. 10 ½. Not safe for work. Not that it's dirty, but man this site can be sacrilegious. Want to mess with the company in post 3,596 above? Just put a vending machine full of these in front of their office. Pi = 3.14. Best Halloween costume ever . (probably not safe) Momma

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

When Links Asplode

1. (Safe for work) The last thing I want is to go into a bar restroom and have some drunk guy taking a leak next to me bopping around like he's playing Dance, Dance, Revolution. This is so not a good idea. Urinal Games? 2. Staying with the potty humor... When you need a remote control for the toilet, there's something wrong with you. And I really don't want to think about the massage wash feature. If they come out with one that can mow the lawn, let me know. Although, this might be a great way to freak out the dog. Magical toilet 3. I posted the best music video ever the other day.

This is the worst.

4. Russian mines. Drinking on the job? Us? ...imposhible ocifer

And is that John Kerry answering?

5. How it should have ended. If I wrote screenplays, I'd consult these guys first. Somebody call the Wachowski brothers

Monday, March 20, 2006

Linked With Love

1. When your baby has more teeth than you, you're white trash. When your stretch marks look like your hound dog, you're white trash. When your sister is also your aunt, you're white trash... You get the idea. Not bad for pulling those out of thin air. White Trash World And when you post your picture on the site above... It doesn't matter what color you are. You're just trash. Picture goodness: The joy of voting if they are white trash, or not. 2. This would make for an uncomfortable class. Another unfortunate name. Professor Tits? 3. It's freaking me out! Viet Nam Flashback? 4. Like being a kid in front of the fridge again. Magnets 5. Come back home Jessica and wash my car. By the way, despite what people say, and believe it or not, I do know.... She's not dumb. Dance, Dance, Dance 6. Jessica just doesn't have good taste in acting roles... Or acting for that matter. Them Duke boys are in a mess 'o trouble. Link #5 goes very well with link #1. Old School Dukes

Sunday, March 19, 2006

I Link, Therefore I Am

1. One for Risawn: Lock and load. Not as good as the other one, but not bad. The drawback is you only get a single burst. (Sorta not safe for work) 2. Pearl Jam lyrics in flash video goodness. Now I can understand what Eddie Vedder is saying. Trust me. It's worth it. Jeremy spoke in Flash (video) today 3. Toys for Tim Burton's children? Something to think about next Christmas... Or maybe Halloween. Toys in the attic 4. Who says tanning is bad for you? Rawhiiiide 5. I have one of these already. I call it a mockingbird. But I wouldn't bring it to work with me. The Mind Molester?

Friday, March 17, 2006

Zelda Looks For Link(s)

1. I am getting old: Senior songs.

Take a look. If you can say: "Man, I remember when this one came out... and I heard it the other day on the adult contemporary station..." It's time to hang up the spandex, hair gel, and beer bong. (#2 Kinda not safe for work) 2. Sex ed for the media savvy kid. Peter the penis really needs to tone it down a bit. 3. Farts are funny, but not in confined spaces. Proudly made in America: A Poot pillow? I'm sure lots of people don't know about this product, but if I see you whip it out on a plane, and you're sitting next to me, I'm asking for a different seat. Going to the other extreme, we have Liquid Ass. Yes, I said liquid ass. Sounds like a drug from the 70s. And just so you know, it's not from the makers of Happy Fun Ball. I had no real reason to bring up Happy Fun Ball except I still find it funny.

I came across Liquid Ass and the poot pillow on the same day at different sites. They both claim to be proudly made in America. Why is it we can't make a car worth a crap (no pun intended) but we can make something called liquid ass, and another product that absorbs the smell (literally) of liquid ass? 4. Unfortunate name.What kind of last name is this anyway?

(#5 is safe for work) 5. I am frightened because of this video. Not just "that gives me shivers" frightened, but hiding under my bed frightened. Pre-op? Post-op? I don't know what's going on here, but the neighborhood dogs are howling.


Let Me Pinch You

Happy St. Patrick's Day. And Erin Go Braugh. I'm not Catholic, so I don't look at this day as a religious occasion. To be honest, I don't think many people look upon St. Pat's Day as a holy day. But, I do recognize Paddy as a good Christian spreading Christ's word to my godless-heathen ancestors in Ireland . I'm not godless anymore, but I can still argue the heathen part sometimes. Info on St. Pat can be found here. Three small items: 1. I don't think there is anything sexier than a girl that speaks with an Irish lilt.... unless it's a girl with an Australian accent. 2. I apologize on behalf of Ireland for forcing Michael (Lord of the Dance) Flatley on the world. 3. And finally, to everyone, "Dé cúig bí fadó tusa"

Loosely tranlated Gaelic to English: "God's love be upon you."

Now... Go find someone to pinch.


Thursday, March 16, 2006

I May Start Getting Hate Mail

Every once and awhile I check the stats of this site to see what people are searching for when they stumble upon my humble page. Today I came upon an odd request. I've written about this before, so it's not a big deal, but this time is a little different. Usually I get people looking for porn (The Canadian College Stripper pictures I posted. Well I only posted the safe ones.) (note: guess how many hits that last phrase will pull in?), or people look for the pure sweetness of Bloomberg's: Julie Hyman and CNBC's: Becky Quick. About 5-10 hits a day are average for people looking for Julie or Becky. Like I said, it's no big deal. But what would happen if someone put in a combination of words that came out in a very unfortunate way? Google searches (most search engines for that matter) look for key words. I get a lot of people looking for how cashews grow, and the name of this site will pull in a hit. So Someone may put: "Cashews" and "Pie" in their search and Google would come back with my site, and a post I made about cow-pie throwing... or something like that. The hit I found today is based on something taken out of context thanks to google breaking apart my posts to match a search query. Some guy from San Francisco... I assume it's a guy... went to Google looking for this: brokeback, mountain, wav, file Google, in its infinite wisdom breaks down my post from here, a joke about the food list from the movie, and another post from here, a post about why mockingbirds should be shot on sight. Two totally different and unrelated posts show up on Google like this: Rooster Cashews Summer, 1963, Brokeback Mountain WEEK ONE ... A few examples of why they must be destroyed are here: (wav files) EVIL, EVIL, and EVIL!!!!!!! ... roostercashews.blogspot.com/ - 72k Here's what I see when I read the above. The words in parentheses is me filling in: Brokeback Mountain WEEK ONE... A few examples of why they (the gays) must be destroyed are here: (They are) Evil, Evil, and Evil. WTF? I'm waiting to see if I get any snotty remarks anywhere.

Have You Seen The Little Piggies Lying In The Yard? And For All The Little Piggies Life Is Very Hard

With thanks and respect to Samantha. Her page link is on the right. I'll use her words to describe it: "BONUS: I have no idea, but it's slightly amusing, disturbing, and it's toilet humour." While it makes no sense, it shows fart humor is funny. How many times do I have to say that? Streaming video is here. Anyone who saw the South Park movie "Bigger Longer & Uncut" will sort of recognize a Terrance and Phillip element here.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

AYDS! Beware. (Spelling Error Intentional)

First up: Let me say I find this funny because of what the commercial is saying compared to what the disease that followed it does. I do not find it funny because of the disease itself.

Second: It isn't too hard to see why the company that made this product stopped making it.

Third: For anyone following some of the other posts on this site you'll know I occasionally have people with unfortunate names. This product happens to have the most unfortunate name ever. If you have a marketing degree I don't think there is any way possible to have a product name that is more apt to make people not buy.

***By the way, you marketing clones make me sick with your engraved plastic flair crap, and your cardboard cutouts saying how great "such and such" product is. Go find a real job.***

Finally: I can remember this product very well when I was younger. Strangely enough, around 1984, you couldn't find them any more. I'm sure that's a good thing.

I have been looking for this commercial for a while.


No Whammies, No Whammies... Annnnd... Stop!

Press Your Luck

One of the weirdest television game shows of my youth, but I will admit I loved watching it.

WHAM indeed

SANTA MONICA, California -- A former TV game-show host and his wife were killed Monday when their small plane crashed into Santa Monica Bay, authorities said. Rescue crews were searching for a third person also aboard the plane. The bodies of Peter Tomarken, 63, host of the hit 1980s game show Press Your Luck, and his wife, Kathleen Tomarken, 41, were identified by the Los Angeles County coroner's office.

No disrespect for the dead, but from the picture above it looks like Peter traded in for a newer model wife recently.

Anyway, Here's wishing him no whammies in the afterlife.

Bonus: Download the game for your computer. (Geared more toward Win 95 machines, it may cause some newer systems problems)


Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Abraham Link'n

1. Best music video ever: (Large file. Right click/save as for best results) Seriously, I'm impressed. Here or on a different server: here.

2. Daaaaayum...Casper is packin'. Kids and guns.

3. "Office Space" for the restaurant crowd.

4. There is something so wrong with this that makes it funny. Bunny suicide. Not recommended for goats.

5. How long until they make a giant Godzilla to take over the world?

6. More cats. Cat cannon.

7. GPS panties?

8. How does that sound? Jackass!

(#9 Some pics not safe for work) 9. Quite possibly the most insane "artist?" ever: Click front page to enter. Clowns are creepy.

(#10 Not safe for work) 10. I'm apologizing right now, ok? But some of these you may actually find funny. Love is....

11. Ho? Word!

(#12. Almost not safe for work) 12. I don't get it: Girls and corpses?


Monday, March 13, 2006

When Links Attack

1. I used to go to a pub in college that catered to a rugby crowd. Rugby in Texas... Who wudda thunk it? Anyway, if you felt the need to fight, you'd have a better chance to win with the bouncer, as opposed to the beatdown the rugby players would give. You do not want to mess with these guys. 2. Unfortunate name 3. Is he related to the guy above? (Give #4 some time to load. The guy put everything on one page) 4. How to degrade a squirrel. Awww. Isn't she cute? 5. Brokeback (Rocky) Mountain? 6. NRA Christmas ornament 7. This child will be beaten to a pulp every day of its life. 8. PWNT! 9. If they sold tin foil hats they'd make a killing. UFO detectors. I love gullible people.

Link And Load

1. Keep your daughter pure this summer with Sexy Wholesome Swimwear.

They showed more skin in 1920 than what they have in the link above. (#2: Safe for work unless you count the scroat of a mannequin as not safe) 2. Crotchless panties for women? Sure. I'm all for it. But for men? Uh... no. Sac free underwear 3. Make your own Bush speech: It's strategerific (Very not safe for work) 4. Despite the language, how can you not appreciate it? America! F Yeah! in Flash video goodness here. 5. Maybe the boss is bothering you. How about the prairie dog sitting in the cubicle next to you? Wouldn't you love to be able to go on a mad rampage and still remain within the law? Now you can! Upload their picture and let 'em have it with what appears to be a 9mm. I know one person in New York who could probably freak out the annoying person at their work with this page. Just a thought. Be sure to turn the speakers up. Kill 'em all 6. Why I stay away from the gym. This has to hurt. 7. Build your own Michael Jackson. Bonus: You can print it out. Go ahead and hang them around the elementary schools.

Friday, March 10, 2006

I Am Become Death, The Destroyer Of Links

1. I guess if I can ask a girlfriend to do the schoolgirl outfit thing, I shouldn't call stops with the cub scout joke in week 5 below. But past girlfriends usually draw the line with Crisco. Weekly Grocery Lists for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist Summer, 1963, Brokeback Mountain WEEK ONE Beans Bacon Coffee Whiskey WEEK TWO Beans Ham Coffee Whiskey WEEK THREE Beans al fresca Thin-sliced Bacon Hazelnut Coffee Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin K-Y gel WEEK FOUR Beans en salade Pancetta Coffee (espresso grind) 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay 2 tubes K-Y gel WEEK FIVE Fresh Fava beans Jasmine rice Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced Medallions of veal Porcini mushrooms 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve) 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide WEEK SIX Yukon Gold potatoes Heavy whipping cream Asparagus (very thin) Organic eggs Spanish lemons Gruyere cheese (well aged) Crushed walnuts Arugula Clarified butter Extra Virgin olive oil Pure balsamic vinegar 6 yards white silk organdy 6 yards pale ivory taffeta Large tin Crisco (had to cut back somewhere) 2. For the children of the 70s and 80s. I'm partial to the Pantene and Certs commercials. And the one person I wanted dead more than anyone else was that Encyclopedia Britannica guy. Commercialism at its finest

3. Unfortunate name again. I didn't realize this was a Brazilian name.... (Look at the link before you click. Maybe not safe for work.) Brazil. Home of coffee beans, cocaine, and this guy

4. My eyes are already watering just typing this. This hurts thinking about it

5. G'Day Mate. Sewer rat may taste like pumkin pie... (Some pictures in #6 are really, really not safe for work) 6. Drinking gone terribly wrong. Party til you puke

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Let Go My Link-o

A record today, I believe. Not one dirty link. 1. Rap CD designer. Is there some kind of program that teaches how to wear your pants around your ass too? Yo yo yo 2. Bwahahahahaaa. Here kitty, kitty, kitty. So wrong, but funny 3. I call shenanigans, but see for yourself. Rock balancing. When you snatch the pebble from my palm... 4. I didn't see any Beanie Babies, so there might be some hope. This guy is in need of serious help. 5. The complete Beatles. Every song ready for download. Since they're only ripped at 88kbps, you can't burn them to CDs, but they work well playing from your desktop. They sound pretty good too. The Beatles A side note: I thought Paul was dead... 6. More music. Johnette Napolitano and Concrete Blonde. There was a time when her voice was like cigarettes and whiskey in a trash-strewn alley in Deep Ellum at 3 am. Maybe you'd turn your head to look when walking by because it's just cold enough that you caught, out of the corner of your eye, a grey fogged breath highlighted in streetlamp white, coming from her mouth as she starts screaming the words to a song.... (I kind of like that image. Maybe I should write this stuff for a living.) Anyway... She's now a goofy freak living in some commune in the mountains using the Concrete Blonde website to moan about the evil war, praising the green party, and saying Bush is dumb... You know... the normal left coast stuff. But it is a free streaming 1+ hour concert, and another at about 45 minutes. Since I'm a capitalist above all other things, free is fine with me.

This probably would have been really good show 10 years ago, but time doesn't stop. Concert #1

Concert #2 In case you are wondering, here's a then picture: and a now picture: She went from screw the world, to save it. 7. Staying on a music theme: Your band pictures suck! Except for the soccer moms on page 6, picture #154. Mmmmmm, soccer moms Also, look for the little green image on pictures. That band has a downloadable MP3.... Not that you'd really want to, but you can. 8. Wow!!! Ok, look... If you rape someone, you deserve this... But I'm in serious doubled over pain even thinking about it. Some kind of anti-James Bond device ************************************* Finally, one for Stephanie, who owes me an elevator story someday. 9. Tiger farts. Because (again) farts are funny, especially when they come from someone like Tiger Woods. (Second video) Fo Shizzle (Listen just after he starts to walk off)

A-ho Of The Day-o

General political ranting... WWJCD? What Would Jimmy (Insufferable sanctimony draped in a cardigan sweater) Carter Do? (I love that description, by the way) So, what would JC do if faced with the problems of the Mid-east today? Answer: He'd run screaming like a schoolgirl. Either that or he'd be impotent on any action. A sniveling little mole like Ross Perot can get his people out of Iran, but you sit idle for 444 days? Oh yeah... I forgot you sent a couple of helicopters for a rescue... That failed, so nothing else was done. That is some serious leadership skills you showed us Jim'ah. And from that brilliant show of force, we should listen to you concerning current affairs of state? Please. JC believes we should withdraw from Iraq. JC said it again the other night (link below). JC apparently also believes his opinion matters a damn. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: As a former president, you have several responsibilities. The three big responsibilities include: A) Promoting the U.S. in the best possible light. Whether it's tourism, goodwill tours, or business opportunities, your job is to represent the U.S. as the only country in the world worth a damn... politely. B) Not slamming current (or former) administrations or their policies in public. Doing so makes you look like a whining child. It also shows an uneven front to the world. Leave that to the current crop of politicians in Washington since that's what they go there for in the first place; and both sides play a good game. But you, as a president, have a duty to stand a little taller than the common folk. There's also a good chance you don't have the first clue in hell about what is going on, other than what your handlers tell you. What your handlers tell you may be false, or seriously out of date. There's a reason national security matters are secure. Generally you keep them out of the hands of those who don't need them. I'm sure the former presidents have some security clearance, but I'm also assuming that means Ford, Carter, Clinton (the less masculine one), and Bush 1 are out of the loop on what the Daily Threat Analysis says unless Bush 2 tells them. So that says to me Carter knows jack about what's happening now, and has no credibility when deciding, or trying to influence national policy while not president. C) Shutting your hole on everything else! You are nothing more than an ambassador once you leave the White House. You should be watching for election fraud in some backwater piss-hole, and building Habitrails for Humanity to show the world what a kind Christian heart you have. But stay away from rabbits. They bite.... And swim. Comfy Carter Cardigan

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Linked Like Stink On Poo

1. Just cool: Everyday things in high speed or slow motion. Fast, slow, fast, fast, slow

2. Giggle worthy: Dog condoms. Take that Bob Barker!

Dirty doggy love

3. Very festive, but it's time to burn the spandex. The tight fit must be stretching the skin so she can't smile.

Warm and fuzzy

4. By far the best reason I've ever seen to simply stick your head out the window to check the weather. This is the true definition of struggling. Weathermen can't predict their way out of a paper bag. Everyone knows that. Just remember this guy the next time the weather people get it wrong. (Give it some time to load)

They can train chimps for this you know

5. Pimp my casket? Scroll down a bit. (Goofy Oakies)

A little chrome and some spinners and you're good to go. Literally

6. I am so tempted.

You'll shoot your eye out!

7. An unfortunate name that fits the picture.

Girls, don't bend over in the locker room


Tuesday, March 07, 2006

LL Cool Link

1. At least you know they probably put out on the first date... The Herpes People. Kind of like the Pod People, but with more flavor. 2. Americans aren't fat... We just require more room to.... be free.... Yeah, that's it.

Johnny was a big big man

3. This guy is real? I thought it was a joke. He's also a sex offender, and a midget! What a trifecta! Midget Pervert 4. Every single "dumb human" video in one series. I'm partial to the slow motion legs bending the wrong way. Others may appreciate the smackdowns or skateboard mishaps. I'm not a proponent of Darwin, but you have to admit, Charles should have been around to watch some of these. (Warning: Some language at the end) Darwin's Video of Stupidity (#5 is probably not safe for work. Some words.) 5. Well, she should have no reason to say no now! Mmmmmm Tasty! 6. The weather is nice enough. I need to mow my yard and start gardening. Some plants would be a good idea... Sexy Pods 7. Now I know why there are so many riots at soccer.... I mean European football games. Ashlee Simpson doesn't hold a candle to these fine people (#8 is really not safe for work. Audio) 8. If you never heard it... Pat O'Brien's coked-out voicemails. This gets very uncomfortable. Pat wants to love you. Just stay away from his mustache!

Monday, March 06, 2006

Me Link You Long Time

1. Looks like he had eggs for breakfast. No, he looks like a vegan, so maybe it's soy milk... Yeah, I'm guessing soy milk. See the monkey boy (and his breakfast) here. 2. A ninja for Peakah. I think he needs an aspirin. 3. Old, but still has the ability to crack me up. Just click it. 4. Another unfortunate name. Family pride aside, you need to get your name changed. (#5 is not safe for work) 5. You think you have it bad? Not funny (unless laughing at the misery of others is funny to you), but this is sick. I'm guessing many of these leters are fake. 6. The last thing in the world I want to smell like. Mmmmmmm, what is that musky scent you're wearing? 7. Smoking for 30 years can wind up being fun. Trach Tubing. In reality this guy got the trach for sleep apnea. I don't know why.... And I don't want to know. The guy freaks me out too much to read about him. 8. One last ninja for Peakah here. More of a side show exhibit, but I guess it's kind of funny. 9. Rules for guys. Learn it. Live it! 10. (Bigger file: about 6 megs) Give it time to load, or right click/save as. Nothing says "I love you" like Bryan Adams singing.... And puke. Lots of puke. I would have tried this a long time ago if I knew it worked. Best video ever. (and it closes out things very nicely with the first video)

Bits And Pieces

My Rants. Just general odds and ends. 1. Former Pink Floyd guitarist David Gilmour's new CD On An Island is pure crap. And I had such high hopes. Isn't it funny how a band like Pink Floyd could do no wrong even when Waters left? They sounded almost the same, and their stage show was almost the same. But some of the anger left with Waters. The only thing that kept Floyd together was the "I'm so stoned" blues sound of Gilmour and his guitar. That was 99% on the mark, and just enough to make up for Roger's absence. But it's not enough here. Am I impressed by Gilmour's Clapton-esque slowhand moves with the guitar? The answer is yes, and I always have been. Am I impressed with his voice? Well........ Reflecting back on the past and hoping for the same future is not the way to approach this CD, but how can you not expect that from a member of one of the most influential bands of all time? This is the first solo Gilmour CD in 18 years, so you think he'd have a little more to offer. Apparently not. Granted, I've only listened to this CD twice, and twice seems to be my limit. Usually on a second listening, I find something that will grab me. It almost happened...... But not quite. The guitar solos stand out (as they always do) but the rest just doesn't appeal to me in any way. Believe me, I've tried. But listening a third time may put me in a coma. As I said, the guitar work is still strong as ever, but something tells me the voice is failing... How can it still be as strong as it was in 1970? It can't. That's not a bad thing for a guitar player, but it can act as a detriment to a guitar player and singer. If Mr. Gilmour had made a instrumental album focusing on his talents as a guitarist, and used the same songs, my rating and praise would be so much higher. I'm sorry to say something doesn't seem right with the content. This CD is very personal. That is a problem. From what I understand, Gilmour's (wife, associate, partner, whatever) wrote the majority of the songs. For David, I guess that's alright. For me as a fan of his music, it's not. The songs are nothing more than willowy and breathy pinings. David Crosby and Graham Nash (of Crosby, Stills, & Nash fame) add harmony on the title track. While it's a nice touch, it can't save the rest of the album. I thought about this song a few weeks back when it fist came out. Usually you realease your strongest material to generate some buzz. My first thought after hearing it was: "And what else?????" If that was Mr. Gilmour's strongest material, this CD would head down the toilet fast. Maybe I'm being too judgemental and should blame his wife for the weakness. But if the boat goes down, you usually look toward whoever the captain is. In this case I'm guessing Mr. Gilmour had enough pull to do whatever he wanted, and he should receive all the blame. I suppose it's inevitable to feel let down by the end product because you've secretly wanted Dark Side of the Moon Part 2 for the last 20 years. How can you not dream of that after seeing all of Pink Floyd together for Live 8? I should have known better than expect something as grandiose as that! But my question to Mr. Gilmour (and Mr. Waters for that matter) is this: Is your downfall simply the result of a desire to distance yourself from what paid the rent for 30 years? Or is it fading into soft middle age with all the money coming from royalty checks that drives off the hunger you once had? I have a name for this; it's called "McLennon Disease." Paul and John were perfect with the Beatles, but rarely showed signs of their former glory as solo acts. The album checklist: (General preachings on relationships: Check. Slower than slow, dirge-like wispy-voiced tunes: Check. Glad I downloaded this off usenet instead of putting down $15: Double Check). This one rates a C- at best. 2. Mockingbirds. The state bird of Texas needs to be killed because it sings at night. Any bird that's insane enough to sing all night deserves to get a bb up their ass. I did a little research and found out it was not only a crime to kill one (I knew that), but also a crime to harass them. Oh yeah? Try and catch me. If they happen to nest in any tree on my property, they belong to me. I also found out that it's a male singing at night trying to find a mate. Guess what you little bastard, if I can't find one..... I'm not going to loose sleep over you not having any luck either. It's hard to bump talons if you're dead. So shut the hell up! My hope is they are kept awake during the day from general racket going on. A few examples of why they must be destroyed are here: (wav files) EVIL, EVIL, and EVIL!!!!!!! And that's only three songs. They actually learn more... I've read they can learn up to 200. Imagine laying in bed with that racket going on at 2 in the morning. Thank God for bb guns and sling shots. I'd use the shotgun, but I don't think my neighbors would like it.... Not that a shotgun blast is any louder than a mockingbird!!! 3. Words I don't like: A. Applicator: Just sounds gay. B. Pustule: Very ALIEN. C. Reservoir: Reminds me of condoms. It also sounds very french. Not good. More later if I feel like it.

Friday, March 03, 2006

No More Yanky My Linky. The Donger Need Food

Is this getting old yet? One for Dr. Phat Tony before the main links: Goat Trauma If anyone feels the need to save Phat Tony's little buddy from a soon to be delicious fajita platter, you can donate here. 1. For the lady on the go. The ad says this: Use the Travel Mate while seated in small, confined spaces such as during long flights in small aircraft, long car trips, or in a kayak. When you have to go, you have to go, but unless she's a girlfriend or wife, I can do without seeing this item whipped out on a plane ride. And since the ladies love to accessorize, you may also purchase the following items: A denim carrying case or a tapestry carrying case. You can also pick up some medical-grade thermoplastic tubing, an anti-bacterial cleaner, and a 500cc collection bag. 2. My favorite fake sports news: The Sports Rag (Believe it or not: a fetish site that is safe for work) 3. I don't begrudge anyone their sick fantasies. I only ask that they put up a web page dealing with it. That way we can see them, and in most cases, laugh at them. In this case, it's 'listen to' and not 'look at'. Their are some really odd people in this world, and this site proves it. I'm sorry... I just don't get it. The next one is safe too. Another odd site here. But why Roy Orbison and cling-wrap? (#4: kinda, sorta, not really, maybe safe for work) 4. It's different. You can't argue about that. Ok, it's sick and doesn't make a lot of sense. Really, it makes no sense... Bad Bad Babies. 5. You miserable kids get off my yard!!! Old Sad Things. What is sad is me remembering when some of them were Shiny New Things. 6. I need this. But at $50.00 an hour? No thanks. If I'm paying $50 an hour to a female, she better ask me if I'm a cop first. Anyone want to be my wingwoman? I'll pay you in beer. Screw it. Anyone want to forget about the pretentious chest puffing and simply go grab a cup of coffee? 7. Yes there is talent involved here, but someone needs to beat him with a bat. I wonder if he can make music in a full body cast? The picture on his site looks like a gay Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap. (Believe it or not, #8 is safe for work) 8. islamic Girls Gone Wild. It got a giggle from me. 9. Dog Judo. Nothing in life screams comedy gold more than dogs, judo, and British accents. For those who visit Fark: These dogs not only want steak, they will kick your ass to get it. 10. You ever notice how few rock stars die from choking on their own vomit anymore? Wimps! There are plenty of airplane crashes though... (#11. Seems like I'm actually doing a clean show today. This link is safe for work.) 11. Penisland. A resort for the ladies? Not exactly. 12. I'm sorry Timmy, you have mad cow disease and polio. Let me bring out these physiologically correct stuffed dolls to explain what your disease will do to you and how you will die a brutally painful death. 13. Husband: Honey! Why have you been in the bathroom for an hour, and what's that vibrating noise? Wife: Huh? Oh! That's just my razor, dear. 14. On my next birthday I want midgets. Lots and lots of midgets. There's something wrong about this, but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is. You think any of them would protest if I asked them to do nothing else besides run around, pointing toward the sky, and yelling: "Da plane!!!!" 15. Speaking of... I would hire him in a heartbeat if he were still alive.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

For Samantha

Re: Samantha's top 10 blog pet peeves Definite improvement. Kinda looks like Joe Camel now, doesn't she?
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