Monday, May 29, 2006

In Remembrance

May 29 Of my great-grandfather, who made it home... And for those that did not.

Friday, May 26, 2006

...And Here I Am. The Only Linking Boy In New York.

Apologies to Simon and Garfunkel for the title. 1. This is pure genius. What better way to get people to your site, and then have them sit there listening to your music, while the "game" loads. I almost bought their CD just because I was so impressed with what they did... Well, that and the fact that Morning Wood is a great name for a band. Trust me on this one. Click the link. 1. A wet t-shirt game? Why not? 2. A day in the life of an Airport Icon Person. Sometimes the simple stuff is the best. The white zone is for loading and unloading of passengers only. 3. Some art. This guy is a little abstract, but not having everything shaded in and pointed out for you can be a good thing. My personal favorite is #1, followed by the subtle message in #87. Tyler Landry 4. My CD world... My seedy world? What's in the CD player this week? A. Simon and Garfunkel: Bridge Over Troubled Water B. Cake: Comfort Eagle C. Sterophonics: Step On My Old Size Nines (UK rip) D. Super Furry Animals: Fuzzy Logic

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Squirrel Talk

SQUIRRELLY WRATH!!! I woke up yesterday to what sounded like two or three people sitting on my roof typing very fast. It was a rapid-fire sound that really did sound like people banging away on a plastic keyboard. Normally I wake up about 6:30, but the other day my eyes popped open at 6:00 thanks to the pitter-patter of probably soon to be rabid animals. It was insane; I had these miserable bastards scurrying across my roof like some demented conga line from hell. So I pulled my ass out of bed, still not knowing what was going on. I thought it might be squirrels, but it could also be cats... And cats are just one step away from being in the same league as squirrels, so I wouldn't have been happy no matter what was causing the racket, and them taking away the sleep I love so dearly is more than I could take. As I go out on the back patio, everything is quiet and the sun is just peeking above some of the houses. A minute later, hell breaks loose. From across the alley I hear and see branches shaking on smaller trees behind a neighbor's fence. I was intrigued, so I watched. A few seconds later a squirrel takes a flying leap from the branch of said neighbor's tree, and lands on top of my fence. Three other squirrels follow in quick succession. Instead of jumping to the ground, the little plague carriers careen across the top of my fence until it meets my house. They could easily have taken a short-cut since I have a tree in the back yard that spans enough area to go from fence to house, but they seemed to behave like small children discovering the joy of a Halloween candy rush by taking the longest direction to get from wherever it was they came from, to wherever it was they were going. From the fence, all four of them make a b-line across the roof, above the area where my bedroom is, and then toward my garage. Then, they all made another flying leap that took them into my next door neighbor's yard. I was slightly amused, but it wore off quickly enough when the same thing was repeated in reverse, and they ended up back in the neighbor's yard behind me. I assume they were playing. However, play stopped at 6:20 when the BB gun came out and removed any doubt they needed to stay the hell off my roof so early in the morning. I believe "Squirrelly Cuteness" is an evolutionary device used by the squirrels take our mind off their disease-ridden carcasses, and prevents us from doing what should be done... Eliminating them through bb guns, or high doses of radiation. They shake their tail, and they scurry around, looking so happy.... Forget the evolution device... I bet rabbits taught them the tail shake. Yeah... rabbits are just as evil as squirrels... Anyway, a squirrel's nose isn't as large and pronounced as a rabbit's nose, so squirrels need something large enough to be seen by a human when they come toward it with an axe raised above their head, ready to cut it up into "Deliverence Stew." So, the squirrel flicks it's tail, looks cute, people forget about what flea motels and disease factories they can be, and they are released from the certain death they deserve. Squirrels are cute. There's no denying that. But their cuteness resides in the tail. Think in terms of a gold-digger (Anna Nicole Smith) when I use the following analogy, "Old rich men are cute, but their cuteness is all in the bank account." That didn't come out right since I'm a straight guy, but at least you can see what I'm talking about. I'm sure some 90 year old codger can be the life of the party, but would anyone in their right mind actually sleep with them? Now ask the squirrel the same question... No, not if you would sleep with one, but would the animal still be as cute if it didn't have a fluffy tail? Wouldn't it be a brown rat without the furry tail? Something to think about. One big question comes to mind... Can anyone tell me what squirrels are good for anyway? Do they serve a purpose that benefits anyone, or are they simply God's way of saying He ran out of ideas, but had a few spare parts left over, so He took a rat and stuck the tail of a Pomeranian to its ass? Here's hoping the slightly cuter than rats, but nowhere near the greatness of dogs, that survived my BB gun attack, get crushed under the wheels of any car driving down my street. Squirrelly bastards...

Friday, May 19, 2006

Yo! NBA Raps? (Going Old School For That Title)

For those scratching their head on the subject line, see here. Item 1. I'm not much of a basketball fan anymore. Although I played the game religiously as a kid, I wasn't very good. I'm white, and was 5'11" by the time I was in 7th grade, so that helped. But something happened about the time Michael Jordan came on the scene (1984 or so) that made me despise the game... besides than the fact that now everyone else who played the game was as tall as me, or taller, and could dribble around me like I was standing still. Jordan was a man unlike any other, a true player with the skill to sink 3-pointers at will, take a flying jam from the top of the key, or reject whatever an opponent throw up. And he did all this without losing his composure game to game. Yes, I know there were some blow-ups, but rarely did you hear of that happening. Along with his skill, the trash followed. Maybe Jordan opened the way for true showboating, and from that point on everything went to hell in the NBA. It's a thought. There has always been some trash talk and bad boys in any sport, that's just part of the machismo, but when did it become acceptable to be a one man team?: Charles Barkley yelling at refs, fans, players, or Latrell Sprewell strangling his coach, or Ron Artest and others throwing punches at fans in the stands, Dennis Rodman's cross-dressing freak show, tattoos on almost everyone, or many others with million dollar endorsement deals, multi-million dollar contracts, and even singing rap CD deals. By the way, someone tell Shaq to go work on his free throws. He can rhyme and take acting lessons when he retires. But, as always, the free market side of me says they have every right to get what they can from anyone that will give it to them, in exchange for the services they offer as the player of a child's game. Everything above and beyond that is gravy for these spoiled bastards. And, being an adult playing a child's game for a living can cause adults to have the mentality of a child. That appears to have happened with most in the NBA. I'm picking on basketball because that's what season it is. Come back in four months and I'll be bitching about Terrell Owens playing for the Cowboys. The reason for the diatribe above is to get to this: Out of the teams remaining in the playoffs, Dallas is one of the less spoiled brat teams of the league. How is that possible? It is with a grudging heart that I say thank you Mark Cuban, nerd boy extraordinaire, for putting together a team and a coach the city can be proud of. The Dallas Mavericks are poised to finally go all the way. Can it happen? If not this year, more than likely the next. They've shown they can stand up to, and even beat San Antonio, most of the time. In honor of their achievements this year, I'd like to present this praise to the Dallas Mavericks, Wigga Style: Icy Hot Dumbasses Here's the deal: If you're black and can rap, I won't listen to you. If you're white and can rap, I still won't listen to you, but there's a good chance I'll laugh at how ridiculous you look doing it. Also, put your freaking cap on straight! Item 2. Oh yeah... What's in the CD player this week? Hint: It's not rap music. A. The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema B. Sister Hazel: Something More Familiar C. Prince: 3121 D. Say Anything Soundtrack E. Smokey Robinson: The Ultimate Collection

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

What? I Amuse You?

"What do you mean, I'm funny?...You mean the way I talk? What?...Funny how? I mean, what's funny about it?...But I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to f--kin' amuse you? What do you mean, funny? Funny how? How'm I funny??...How the f--k am I funny? What the f--k is so funny about me? Tell me? Tell me what's funny..." Kill time at work. Kill goombas later. Take out your agressions with some games. 1. "What am I, a mirage? What? Where's my f--kin' drink? I asked you for a drink... I just asked you for a f--kin' drink." Better than bouncing a bat off someone's skull 2. "Who the f--k cares? I'll dig the f--kin' hole, I don't give a f--k! What is it, the first hole I dug? First time I dug a hole, I'll dig a f--kin' hole. Well, where are the shovels?" Cube Extreme. More fun than pushing 'cement blocks' off a pier, and into the Hudson. 3. Words have meaning. Understanding that is the first step in having meaningful conversations. That is, meaningful conversations that don't involve the words: "Badda" "Bing" "Schifosa" "Haaayyyyy" "Yo" or "Whack." How 'bout some calzone, eh? Afterwords, we can go's and whack Mickey for the 'G' he owes us.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Everything You Say To Me Takes Me One Step Closer To The Edge And I'm About To Link

A couple of links to freak out the other cube monkeys around you. 1. Show everyone you’re more than a skinny white kid from the ‘burbs. Show ‘em you gots style. Show ‘em you’re a playa by playin’ tha DJ. Better yet, go play'a in the street and leave me alone. Oh, and if you touch my record collection, I'll make sure your arms will never be able to scratch a record, or your ass, again. Wikiwikiwikiwiki 2. A while back I posted the worst video ever. You can see it here And now there's more frightening news... I just learned two things. One: they have more videos. And, Two: she really is a woman, and not the creepy tranny wannabe she first appeared to be. This is like a car wreck so large you just can't take your eyes off of it... the kind that even after driving by, you continue to look in your rearview mirror to see the dead sprawled on the pavement, and wounded staggering around in a daze. Yeah... it's something like that.... only worse. Be sure to turn up your volume so the desk-humping trogs you work with can share in the pain. My eyes are bleeding, and I’m contemplating suicide just to get their images and songs out of my head. Soon you will join me. Here are the other two vids: Leslie Beat Dazzler and Leslie Gold Pants Time to clense my mind with what has been in the CD player this week: 1. Tool: 10,000 Days 2. Garbage: Version 2.0 3. Echo and the Bunnymen: Crocodiles 4. Fishbone: The Essential 5. Ben Harper: Both Sides Of The Gun

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I La La La Link You.... Ohahohhhhhhh

I La La La Love You - Pat Travers' Black Pearl sample WMA clip From the Valley Girl movie soundtrack if you want to know. 1. Remember actress Anne Sellors? Me neither. But I know she spoke these words: (or maybe they're my words for her just to make this link a little more enjoyable) "I got into acting as a way to be remembered forever. Because of film (my only film), I will always be around. It's not exactly the way I’d like to be remembered, but this is something I can show my great-grandchildren.... or not." IMDB info here: Tinkle Bell Threads (1984) (TV) (uncredited) .... Woman who urinates herself. Video of the scene that made her famous: Frequent urges? Trouble sustaining flow... not this lady This looks like a British version of "The Day After" in America. 'Course, if I saw a nuke go off over downtown Dallas, I'd probably do her one better by shitting myself. 2. There is something very unseemly about this product... in an aging James Bond kind of way: What is it Q? Well 007, it's the perfect place to hide cyanide, or Viagra 3. Get yourself tested for those pesky microwave transmissions the government and UFOs are using to control your life!!! I want to believe From the site: You may be experiencing electronic harassment and not know it. From Surveillance, Electronic Sabotage/Interference, Directed Harmful High Energy, Voice/Data/Image induction (This is when the govenment can can make an individual think they are loosing their mind or that they have a mental illness), and Implants (Not the stripper/porn star variety). Pssst... for $10 I'll kick you in the head to get rid of your evil humors. 4. Ow!, ow!, ow!, F’n ow!: Watch more than 10 seconds... I dare ya. Go Fish!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

It's Aussie Appreciation Day

For no other reason than if I did not live in Texas, Australia would be next on the list of places I'd like to be..... especially now that it's approaching 90 here every day, and summer is still over a month away. So, how do you expect to talk with the locals if you don't understand what they're saying? Here's a little slang for your edification: Aussie Slang A few examples I liked: Slab: A carton of 24 bottles or cans of beer. Brown-eyed mullet: A turd in the sea (where you're swimming!) Bush oyster: Nasal mucus. Crack a fat: Get an erection. Figjam: "F*ck I'm Good; Just Ask Me". Nickname for people who have a high opinion of themselves. Kangaroos loose in the top paddock: Intellectually inadequate ("he's got kangaroos loose in the top paddock") Root: (verb and noun): Synonym for f*ck in nearly all its senses: "I feel rooted"; "this washing machine is rooted"; "(s)he's a good root". A very useful word in fairly polite company. Stubby: A 375ml. beer bottle. While Australia is home to bands like Men At Work, Midnight Oil, Silverchair, and Kylie and Dannii Minogue, I won't hold it against them. AC/DC, Nick Cave, The Church, (old) INXS, Jet, and Aussie Floyd, the Australian Pink Floyd tribute band, more than make up for the first few.

For the hell of it I'm also throwing in three pictures of my favorite Aussie babes. Cate Blanchett. Nicole Kidman. The picture above proves Tom has "issues" with his manhood. Elle Macpherson. She's had a child or two, and I'm sure she can look bad on some days...... But to be honest, I haven't seen that day.

Monday, May 08, 2006

And It’s Been A Long December And There’s Reason To Believe Maybe This Link Will Be Better Than The Last

1. Freak show anyone? Or another Fox reality show? On the plus side, if you were like this you could probably drink beer with your feet. Not that you would, but you could. I am not... an animal!!!! 2. I’m a guy. I’m glad I'm a guy. I would not want to be anything other than a guy. What’s creepy about this site? The hands shown in the Easter Bunny photos belong to a guy. Or a woman with man hands... Well there's that, and the fact they're making crafts out tampons! "Johnny, what can you make outta this?" "This? Why I could make a hat, or a brooch, a pterodactyl. . ." (useless Airplane! reference) 3. I can’t wait for the first few dozen morons to fall out of the sky after jumping off a roof. Forget the jetpack, I want a flying Jetson’s car. And by the way, hovering a foot off the ground is not flying. To infinity and.... oh screw it. 4. A game to waste time at work. This one is french. I didn’t see a surrender button, but I’m sure it was hiding on the page somewhere. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Aaaaahhhh... Love To Link You Baby

1. Normally I'm pretty good at puzzles in games.. Riven, Zelda, etc. I don't get this one. My brain hurts now. 2. Think he caught hell growing up? Unfortunate name... But it fits how he looks. Me love you long time. 3. Sweaters for your internal organs? My grandmother knitted me many things as a child. This was not one of them. 4. Funny... for the first 3 seconds. Finish the job, then watch. I see a new Fox show on the horizon. Shave my Yeti 5. I loathe celebrities. On the flip side I think "If they weren't making movies (Tom Cruise), or living off daddy's money (Paris Hilton), they'd be serving my breakfast at the local Denny's." Yet, the free market side of me says “more power to ‘em” if they hold out for another $5 mil to take off their top in a movie, or ask for additional space on the set for the 20 people in their personal entourage. But I never see any movies they make, or listen to their music, so who cares? Would you like fries with that?

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Rock And F'n Roll

It's Music Day a day early. 1. Japanese performing in blackface? If I do it, I’m called a racist. If the Japanese do it... well, nobody cares since they are freaky tentacle porn and Hello Kitty molesting perverts anyway. Here's a picture of them in full attire: I promised myself I wouldn't use the word "Mammy" to describe this. Somebody bring in the P.C. police quickly. 2. Music videos. Remember those? They used to have entire television shows dedicated to showing a visual presentation set to the music of a musical artist. Sadly, that is a thing of the past, and what we get instead is the mind-numbing pablum of reality shows. Thank God for VH1 Classics. Here's a music video for the lib in your life. Bush was right. ... Just not on unchecked spending, sucking up to democrats, and little, if any, border control. Bwaynose Tardees Me Amigoos (spelling intentional) 3. Just what the hell is grindcore and noisecore anyway? Here's a definition: "Grindcore is an extreme form of hardcore punk and heavy metal, related to both death metal and crust punk, but historically formed by combining elements of hardcore punk and early thrash metal. " I remember naming my first band. The name was Collusion. I liked the sound and meaning: “A secret agreement between two or more parties for a fraudulent, illegal, or deceitful purpose.” To us that meant nothing more than which fake ID we used to buy beer. We lasted all of two semesters in 10th grade, but it was a good time. What the hell are kids thinking these days? They have some of the worst band names. (WARNING on the link below) Run the cursor over the link to see if you want to continue to their song page. Some words may not be safe for work.

Their mothers must be proud.

I looked (but not very hard) for their lyrics, and couldn't find any. If they are as simple as some of the tabs they posted, I don't think I want to know the words. But, some of the more enjoyable sounding work is shown here: Everyone In Limp Bizkit Should Be Killed Ha Ha Your Wife Left You Harvey Korman Is Gay I Ate Your Horse I Got Athletes Foot Showering At Mikes I Hope You Get Deported I Lit Your Baby On Fire I'm thinking they probably sound like so many of those growling, heavy on the one chord bassline bands, that are so popular right now with the suicide candidates. Although, you have to like the Everyone In Limp Bizkit Should Be Killed. 4. What's been in the CD player this past week? A. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Stadium Arcadium Review: It gets better the longer you listen to it, although I'm curious about the song placement. It seems that each disk's music is set up in this order: funky, slow, funky, slow, etc. Why not take the funk songs they are so popular for and put them on one CD, and put the slower, ballad songs on disk two? Makes sense to me. Maybe there was too much material here to begin with, and it was a case of let's just dump it out. Is it Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik, or Mother's Milk? No. But it is better than By The Way, or One Hot Minute. On the plus side, Flea doesn't have a solo song to sing. It's a nice all 'round effort that just about everyone can listen to. Why don't we leave it at that. B. Joe Jackson: I'm The Man C. Gomez: Out West D. The Stone Roses: Best of

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Sherriff Joe For President

If Bill Maher hates him, you know he must be doing something right. I'm talking about the sheriff that makes inmates wear pink, sleep in tents in the desert because “If sleeping in a tent is good enough for the men and women fighting in Iraq (My insert: quote taken during The first Gulf War), it’s acceptable for criminals,” and, from his website: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio doesn't believe in coddling criminals, frequently saying that jails should not be country clubs. He banned smoking, coffee, pornographic magazines, movies and unrestricted television in all jails. He has the cheapest meals in the country too. The average inmate meal costs less than 20 cents… Now he brings a border patrol with teeth. There's no turning illegals over to the real border patrol, since the feds do nothing more than catch and release. Joe's detainees are processed and do time. Why? Because they broke the freaking law. Trying something Bush doesn’t have the balls to do, Sherriff Arpaio is working the border. What blows my mind about all this is right now, there is a plan on the books to shut down the border if/when bird flu ever reaches pandemic stages. PDF file is here. So we will put troops along the border and streets in the event of a bird flu outbreak where (over the past 3 years) a total of 200+/- people have died, but we will not put them there to prevent the overwhelming tide of humanity that is stressing our social services to the breaking point? Can anyone explain that one to me? It’s about time someone acted like an adult and faced the problem like a man, instead of the complete puss Bush has been. Me, a guy that likes Bush, calling him a woman.. imagine that. If there is anyone who thinks we don’t have a problem on the border, go camp out around Laredo or Del Rio, Texas and see how many people amble through your campsite, heading north. And guess what our dear presidential neighbor to the south will be doing shortly... Mexican President Fox will soon sign legislation legalizing drugs like ecstasy, weed, coke, and heroin in small amounts. Anyone want to take a guess where those drugs will be heading? Can someone get Sherriff Joe on the presidential ticket for 2008? Sheriff to Start Posse Patrols to Curb Illegal Immigration Flow Some highlights include: "...we've also made some recent huge drug seizures involving illegal aliens including nearly 100 pounds of methamphetamine and approximately three pounds of heroin." "Tuesday's arrests include two coyotes, one of whom may be charged with a far more serious offense - endangerment. ...a 24-year-old Mexican male found near death by deputies who combed the desert earlier today after being told by other people in the vehicle that one man was left behind." "Arpaio houses 10,000 prisoners in his jails, including almost 2000 in a tent city he erected in 1993. Tent City is being expanded to hold an anticipated increase in of inmates being incarcerated in the Maricopa County jails."

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Get Up. Get On Up. Like A Link Machine.

1. This is creepy in a cool way: Good puppy dog 2. This is more weird than the myspace death page I posted a few weeks ago. Warning: It's safe for work, but this is some dark stuff. Enter at your own risk. I'm assuming most of the suicide letters here were written by people who just listened to Kevin Federline's new CD. 3. Overheard in the lab: Researcher #1: We should cure cancer. Researcher #2: Maybe next week. Researcher #1: How about heart disease? Researcher #2: No, but we’ll look into it soon. Researcher #1: I've got it! Why don’t we put glasses on a fly? Researcher #2: Brilliant!!!! I can’t wait for these geniuses to come up with dozens of little contact lenses for the fly, or maybe invent home laser eye surgery. Hey... Is that Bono? 4. I spoke to soon. Home LASIK? Try it on the fly first. Help me!!!!!! Would you trust your eyes to this guy... And why is he wearing glasses if he's endorsing the LASIK at home procedure? Something is not right here. Since everyone else seems to be able to sell medical equipment without oversight, I will now offer the home lobotomy kit, thanks to the good people at Iamlost. Order now and I'll throw in another kit..... for free!!!!! 5. I hope Bush knows he can house several immigrant families in those panties. Ariba!!!!

Monday, May 01, 2006

I Am...... Nacho Libre

In honor of the Hispanic protesters today, I'd like to give a shout out to one of Latin America's greatest exports.. No, not soccer, cheap labor, baseball palyers, or cocaine. I'm talking about masked wrestling. View the Nacho Libreeeeeeeeeeeeee trailer. Jack Black's new movie. There's no way a movie with midget wrestling can be bad.
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