...And I'm Proud Of It.

1. If I could have dinner with any 5 people: My father, Leonardo da Vinci, Jesus, George Patton... and Denis Leary. Sing along with the video below. I'm an Asshole - Dennis Leary Folks I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream About me About you About the way our American hearts beat way down in the bottoms of our chests About that special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts Or maybe below the cockles Maybe in the sub-cockle area Maybe in the liver Maybe in the kidneys Maybe even in the colon We don't know I'm just a regular joe With a regular job I'm your average white Suburbanite slob I like football, and porno, and books about war I've got an average house With a nice hardwood floor My wife, and my job My kids, and my car My feet on my table And a Cuban cigar But sometimes that just ain't enough To keep a man like me interested Oh no, no way, uh uhh No, I gotta go out and have fun At someone else's expense Oh yeah, yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah I drive really slow In the ultra-fast lane While people behind me are going insane I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, such an asshole) I use public toilets And I piss on the seat I walk around in the summer time sayin', "How about this heat?" I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's the worlds biggest asshole) Sometimes I park in the handicapped spaces While handicapped people Make handicapped faces I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's a real fucking asshole) Maybe I shouldn't be singin' this song Ranting and raving and carrying on Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong... NAAAHHHHH! I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's the world's biggest asshole) You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadilac El Dorado Convertable Hot pink! With whale skin hub caps An all leather cow interior And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights YEAH! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby At 115 miles per hour Getting one mile per gallon Sucking down Quarter Pounder cheeseburgers from McDonalds in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers And when I'm done sucking down those grease-ball burgers I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam containers right out the side And there ain't a Goddamn thing anybody can do about it You know why? 'Cause we got the bombs, that's why! Two words: Nuclear Fuckin' Weapons Okay!? Russia, Germany, Romania They can have all the Democracy they want They can have a big Democracy cake walk Right through the middle of Tienemen Square And it won't make a lick of difference Because we got the bombs Okay!? John Wayne's not dead He's frozen! And as soon as we find a cure for cancer We're gonna thaw out "The Duke" And he's gonna be pretty pissed off You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower? Well, multiply that by 15 million times That's how pissed off "The Duke"'s gonna be I'm gonna get "The Duke" And John Cassavetes And Lee Marvin And Sam Peckinpah And a case of whiskey And drive down to Texas And- (Hey, Hey! You know you really are an asshole) Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song, pal? You know, the whole time I thought I was that asshole And it turns out it was him What an asshole! I'm an asshole (he's an asshole, what an asshole) I'm an asshole (he's the worlds biggest asshole) A - SS - HO - LE! Everybody!! A - SS - HO - LE! *dog barking noises* I'm an asshole and proud of it! The song has been around for about 15 years... I used to have the cassette but wore it out. I love songs that make you want to eat three steaks, and go beat the crap out of whining, pansy, tree-hugging freaks.....ahem... like Daryl Hannah. This video is not safe for work. 2. Sheep eat grass... Cough cough cough. Looks like they smoke it too. Ahh... don't go baggin' on de herb, mon! 3. Some people need to die... They should die just to make some room for those of us with a life, and second, to firm up the gene pool. Wheelbarrow strangeness 4.What’s worse than old people sex? Old, gay people sex You know the pharmacy only stocks Viagra, various lubes, and Fix-A-Dent. God help them if they get the Fix-A-Dent mixed up with the lube... 5. CDs this week: A. Bowling for Soup: A Hangover You Don't Deserve B. The Seahorses: Do It Yourself C. The Moody Blues: Days of Future Passed D. Ocean Colour Scene: Mosely Shoals

When I'm 64

I look back on my life and see both good and bad, but no more, or less than anyone else. As with everyone, there are dreams left unrealized, and hopes that did not pan out, but I’ve had a good life compared to many, and I can’t complain about much. My health is good, I have a job I enjoy with my family, gray in my hair has not appeared in any noticeable fashion, and I bought a house last year. Everything is sailing along nicely. But… what I've noticed recently is time. And that’s a new experience for me. Time used to be nothing more than a marker and a place to hang dates and memories. As the years go by, the markers spread out farther, and what used to seem like yesterday has slipped to decades. Time has always seemed to be a barrier to me, even more so as a child: Q: How old are you? A: 5 and a half… almost 6. (It’s always that little extra bump in age that makes kids feel older) or Q: How much longer until Christmas? A: About a week. Response: That’s forever!!! With kids, time moves at the speed of an old man. When you pass 30-35 you begin to see time pick up the pace like a little kid on a sugar high. The question I ask myself, especially today, is what happened to the last 20-25 years? It’s all gone so fast. What is truly disturbing to the psyche is that it shows no sign of slowing. If anything, it feels as though it’s speeding up. I’m still a ways from 40, but I’m close enough to start knocking on that door. That’s frightening and comforting at the same time. What got me started on this thought process to my mortality, and seemingly impending doom, is a site I found with music videos from my youth. (i.e.: when I was 12-21) I can honestly say that I am happy with myself, and would not want to change places with a 21 year old, (God knows I wouldn’t want to be in school again) but the videos reminded me of my age. So, if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to offer some videos from my youth, in an attempt to feel young again, but I know I only look like an old man wearing shorts, black socks, and sandals. And yes, I owned (and still have) most of these. But I have upgraded to CD from cassette. Flash vids. Links go directly to the site. 1. Yo! Flock of Seagulls!! Space Age Love Song: A Flock of Seagulls 2. East and West Berlin After the Fire: Der Kommissar 3. Yes and ELP members trying to stay relevant. Asia: Heat of the Moment 4. Big hair hell Autograph: Turn Up The Radio 5. Journey and Baby members trying to stay relevant. Bad English: When I See You Smile 6. The real Goths. Bauhaus: Ziggy Stardust (Kinda sounds like Bowie too) 7. I remember when Ecstasy (X) was a cool drug. I also remember having jaw-lock the next day. Hey! It was a designer drug. We didn't know it was bad. Book of Love: Pretty Boys and Pretty Girls (Tubular bells from hell) 8. Lounge cool. Bryan Ferry: Slave to Love 9. Saxy. And I love redheads. Dave Stewart is a nice touch too. Candy Dulfer: Lily Was Here 10. Nights down in Deep Ellum and Greenville Avenue. CCCP: American Soviets 11. Austin boy done good. It also helps to have Stevie Ray Vaughan as a friend. Charlie Sexton: Beats So Lonely 12. Just before he lost it for good. Hair plugs work wonders. David Lee Roth: Yankee Rose 13. Happy Depesche Mode? Depesche Mode: Just Can’t Get Enough (Always thought this sounded like Yaz) 14. One hit wonders from hell. Dexy’s Midnight Runners: Come On Eileen 15. Quite possibly the best music video ever made. Don Henley: The Boys Of Summer 16. The one song that still stops me in my tracks. Double: The Captain Of Her Heart 17. Dallas greatness. Although, she always looked like she needed a bath. Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians: What I Am 18. The first band to take metal and rap, and make it into a viable form. Linkin Park owes a lot to these guys opening the door. Faith No More: We Care A Lot 19. Heavy Goth. Fields of the Nephilim: Moonchild 20. Nothing beats Ska music for making really drunken dancing an acceptable art form. Fishbone: Party at Ground Zero 21. We didn’t know they were gay. Honestly! At least in this version you get a shot of a still attractive Melanie Griffith's ass. Frankie Goes To Hollywood: Relax 22. Hair band ballad. Giuffria: Call To Your Heart 23. 80’s backseat car sex. Glenn Frey: The One You Love 24. Killed Grunge. Guns N Roses: Welcome to the Jungle 25. Cruising music. Loved the album cover. Honeymoon Suite: New Girl Now 26. Makes me drive fast. Icicle Works: Whisper to a Scream 27. 80’s defined. INXS: Need You Tonight 28. I had this dream as a child, but usually I was the one in front of the class in my underwear. J. Geils Band: Centerfold 29. The worst video ever made. Journey: Separate Ways-Worlds Apart 30. Zeppelin-Lite. What happened to them? Kingdom Come: Get It On 31. Too much synth, but a great song. Love and Rockets: So Alive 32. Journey-Lite. Loverboy: Turn Me Loose 33. Back then, I would have… Now… No thanks. Madonna: Like A Virgin 34. Suicide anyone? Megadeath: In My Darkest Hour 35. What? Lars is going to sue me for posting this? Metallica: Master of Puppets 36. Dale Bossio. Dumb blonde in the flesh. Missing Persons: Words 37. Definition of 80’s new wave. Modern English: I Melt With You 38. Ambiguously gay. Is it just me, or did every song he sing sound the same? Morrisey: Suedehead 39. Eric Martin. More than just the song To Be With You. Mr. Big: Addicted To That Rush 40. Sweaty, hairy, European pits. Ok, I didn’t have this cassette, but I liked the song. Nena: 99 Luft Balloons 41. Techno-Ecstasy-Goth. New Order: Blue Monday 42. Get out your lighters. Now I only see the scene from Boogie Nights when I hear this. Night Ranger: Sister Christian 43. Killed hair metal. Also killed himself, but that’s a different story. Nirvana: About A Girl 44. The best voice in music. A 5 octave range isn’t too bad. Pat Benatar: We Belong 45. Better with Genesis. Phil Collins: In The Air Tonight 46. Best band ever. Unless you count the Beatles. Pink Floyd: Another Brick In The Wall 47. Best band without much recognition. Think of The Byrds with a harder beat. The Plimsouls: A Million Miles Away 48. 16 candles from hell. The Psychedelic Furs: Heaven 49. Johnny Rotten. The one guy in music I think would kill you if you looked at him the wrong way. P.I.L: This Is Not A Love Song 50. Still relevant today. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Higher Ground 51. Thankfully died a quiet death. REM: The One I Love 52. Dreams of red lipstick. Robert Palmer: Simply irresistible 53. Mud shark alert. Robert Plant: Burning Down One Side 54. He fell down without David Gilmour to back him up.. Same can be said about David too. He’s great live, but my first statement rings true if he feels the need to have 10 other musicians on stage with him when in concert. Roger Waters: Sunset Strip 55. Their last good record was Tattoo You. When was that? 1983? Rolling Stones: Start Me Up 56. One of the best harsh voices coming out of the most disturbing front-woman in music. Romeo Void: Never Say Never 57. Who needs Brian Eno? Roxy Music: More Than This 58. Before Van Halen... Sammy Hagar: Voice of America 59. Shot at Reunion Arena in Dallas… A 2 in the morning “I’m drunk and I’m going to call my girlfriend” song. The Scorpions: Still Loving You 60. Priests and cannibals, prehistoric animals, everybody happy as the dead come home. Shriekback: Nemisis 61. Bueller.. Bueller... Sique Sique Sputnik: Love Missile F1-11 62. From a 20+ year old movie that’s still viewable today. Simple Minds: Don’t You Forget About Me 63. Before their time. The Smithereens: A Girl Like You 64. Tempted is a better song. Squeeze: Hourglass 65. The best band to see live. Steely Dan: Babylon Sister 66. Asshole. See here for why. Steve Perry: Oh Sherry 67. He owned the 80’s. Sting: Englishman in New York 68. Brought rap to the white kids. The Sugar Hill Gang: Rappers Delight 69. Could have been a girl singing for all I knew. Supertramp: It’s Raining Again 70. And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. Taking Heads: And She Was 71. Thinking the world would blow up at any second... Tears For Fears: Everybody Wants To Rule The World 72. Motor City Mad Man. Ted Nugent: Wango Tango 73. Great song… And I loved the girl in this video. She has the best smile. Terence Trent D’Arby: Wishing Well 74. I would have preferred Rain In The Summertime, but this will do. The Alarm: The Stand 75. Ric married a model? There’s hope for me yet. The Cars: Drive 76. Late night driving music. The Church: Under The Milky Way 77. Mass appeal punk. The Clash: London Calling 78. Sonic Temple, Electric, and Love… Three of the best CDs I ever bought. The Cult: Rain 79. They were Emo before Emo was a word. The Cure: Boys Don’t Cry 80. She touches herself. The Divinyls: Science Fiction 81. Life in a Northern Town was better, but this has the same snowy day appeal. The Dream Academy: Please, Please, Please 82. Ska for white people. The English Beat: Mirror In The Bathroom 83. Very underrated band. Bad video. The Fixx: Red Skies 84. I’m happy to say I never bought the tape.. The Flying Lizards: Money 85. Yes, I had this. But they had something. The Go-Go’s: Head Over Heels 86. A shove it up your ass song. The Godfathers: Birth School Work Death 87. Darker than Tears for Fears. Same line: The world is going to hell. The Killing Joke: Love Like Blood 88. Always liked this song. The Korgis: Everybody’s Got To Learn Sometime 89. Martha Davis had a voice perfect for smoke filled rooms. The Motels: Total Control 90. Goth the way it was meant to be, dark, dirty, and evil. The Sisters Of Mercy: This Corrosion 91. Psychedelic new wave. The Stone Roses: Fools Gold 92. Crap pop, but a catchy hook. The Vapors: Turning Japanese 93. Aimee Mann with the rat-tail. She’s still putting out some good stuff as a solo artist. Til Tuesday: Voices Carry 94. The worst song ever written. Trio: Da Da Da 95. Coming up on 20 years for this one and it still sounds great. He wasn’t “The Fly” then. U2: With Or Without You 96. I’d give money to Africa just to get Cyndi Lauper out of this song. USA for Africa: We Are The World 97. I bet the Secret Service was all over them when this video came out. Violent Femmes: Blister in the Sun 98. Tawny Kitaen before she was a drug fiend. Whitesnake: Is This Love 99. Alison Moyet’s big voice and even bigger pant size. Yaz, or Yazoo: Don’t Go 100. One more hair band. Somebody is squeezing this guy’s ‘nads pretty hard. Zebra: Tell Me What You Want The site these vids are from is here. They have several hundred more, but these are the ones I remember watching. Call it a lame top 100 of my youth, if you will. The site may be down on some of the vid links, but they come back up. Now I'm off to find my black socks and sandals, and yell at kids to stay off my lawn.

Charitable Considerations And Musical Excess

Yay!!! 1. I may have to donate money, or time to this organization. You know they are doing some good when they use your money to build a “Pleasure Hospital”, bring you “touching” testimonials via their web page, and allow you to adopt or sponsor a clitoris. The only down side is the cause is operated by the Raelian Movement. They’re the same people who said they cloned a human a year or so back. They also believe in E.T. Nasty! To sponsor that, I'd need rubber gloves and an oyster shucker. Clitoraid??? 2. Keith Moooooooooo-n When you click the link, you'll think back to the line above and realize how smart I was to come up with it. Could this Keith Moooo-n choke on his vomit like the real Keith Moon? Something to think about since cows regurgitate what's in their stomachs.

3. The pure greatness of Christopher Walken as a stick-figure from the Fatboy Slim video.

Cowbell not needed here.

4. I’m of the belief that whatever you do in a negative way to others in this life comes back against you in the afterlife. Some kind of Zen-Buddhist thing, I guess... So I’m not saying anything at all about the rat lady because I know God would put the smack down on me hard for it. Want some cheese? Then again... I believe God has a sense of humor, so laughing at this guy is alright: Umfphs medsa koojabba yah!!! Sounds like every other rapper out there today to me. I’ve said before that every band should have a “little person” to be on stage with them. So, what better way to preserve dwarfism, and promote the continuation of the dwarf line than the link below. This will ensure each band will have a small person. So we need to make sure a dwarf dates, and hopefully marries another dwarf. They, in turn, could have dwarf children. Support dwarf dating today! Every band should be as white trash as Kid Rock and Big and Rich. I'm 4'1'' tall. I enjoy very short walks on the beach... 5. There’s something really wrong in a “Bring out the gimp” sort of way when you get a penguin and a squirrel playing dueling banjos, and you also throw in Burt Reynolds, pigs, and Bo and Luke Duke. I feel violated 6. Rock and roll with a “Whack a Penguin” touch, and some Led Zeppelin mud shark thrown in: Whack an amp? This week's CDs by day 1. The Shins: Chutes Too Narrow 2. Thievery Corporation: Verisions 3. Rock Kills Kid: Are You Nervous? 4. Anderson, Bruford, Wakeman, Howe: An Evening Of Yes Music Plus 5. Gnarls Barkley: St. Elswhere

Aardvarks On A Three Day Bender

1. A game for your brain. “A Case of the Crabs.” Try and work through this one without hitting the hint button. Crab People! Crab People! 2. You ever heard it said “It’s not the destination, but the journey?” This game is something like that. By the way, if you make it to the piano and you can’t figure it out, the cheat code is at the bottom of this post. No description. Just play. 3. I don’t think I juiced up on amphetamines this evening... But I could be wrong. I'll stick to the tequilla. Leave the worm to someone else. 4. Since it’s 110 degrees (at least it feels that way) right now, I’m posting something a little cooler. The Snowman. A pretty good imbedded Quicktime movie. (May take time to load) Damn illegal aliens 5. The best show on television has a drinking game. Although it looks like the site where I got this belongs to a woman, since no self respecting male would be caught dead drinking apple martinis. Down two beers any time J.D. imagines the headless doctor cheat code for link #2 (lazy bastards!): 5, 8, 12, 5, 2, 4.

I'm Turning Japanese?

1. Tentacle pRon, bukakke, schoolgirls in sailor outfits, and... artsy manhole covers? 5 pages of great art on manhole covers from Japan. You gotta admit, the Japanese are freaky with their sex, but this is something you wouldn't expect to see in the U.S By the way, this site goes up and down. Check it out in a few hours if it doesn't work. 2.Poetry Corner: Write a bad Haiku Maybe it will be posted On a site like this (I should post that) By the way... "Me So Horny" does not have enough syllables to be included in your Haiku. Try again. 3. For those with a lot of time on their hands: i.e.: grandmothers, inmates, or the dead, they can learn origami. I can make a chair out of a dollar 4. The next time you are searching for tentacle pRon on a Japanese server and get the dreaded 404 error, you will be more informed than your other sweaty-palmed, acne-covered anime geeks by knowing the history. 'Course, if you are all of the above, you probably know the history of everything internet because you don't get out of your parent's basement. The page you are looking for may be experiencing difficulties, or may have moved... yadda yadda yadda Just don't show this site to Al Gore. He still believes he invented the internet... And the climate... And the vice presidency... 5. And finally... Everything you ever wanted to know about Japan... Yes, even Tentacle Porn. Seriously, check out the section on tentacle porn 6. Tunes Dammit! This week... A. Aimee Mann: I'm With Stupid B. Natalie Merchant: VH1 Story Tellers C. The Von Bondies: Lack of Communication D. The Best of Parliament: Give Up The Funk

Lycanthropic Links... AKA: Links You Should Probably Wait Until Night To Watch Because They're Funnier When You're Tired.

1. Gimme some mo' of 'dem. Little Girl: Daddy? What’s a modem? Dad: Well you see honey; long ago the internet wasn’t beamed directly into your head. In the early days of home computers... Little girl: A home what? Dad: Don’t ask, we’ll talk about home computers when I have a few hours. So, when the internet first began, information was scattered across the world. The only way to get this information was to connect your computer to another set of computers where the information was stored. But, computers had to talk to each other, just like we are doing, so modems allowed computers to connect with the net, and exchange information. Unless you live in the woods, there’s probably a good chance you haven’t heard this sound in a few years. 2. For all you Renaissance festival geeks: Write your own historic tale. You can shove that jousting pole straight up your ass for all I care. Just don't write about it. And for the love of God, get a life. 3. Send reminders to yourself by email... from the fuuuuttuure... Ok, so it’s really a poor man’s version of Outlook, but it works. Do you have a meeting next week? Remind yourself by an email that will be delivered on the date you request. It works, but I'd almost bet they’re stealing your email address and selling it to spammers. You 2 can have ecstra loooong members. Click here 4 big man Viagra subtitute!!! Oh yeah, you also have meeting with Abernathy Corporation to discuss their fiscal 2005 report at 3 pm. Don't be late. (yes, spelling mistakes are intentional) Always save the best for last... 4. This girl has a great gimmick going. I wonder how long she can pull it off before it gets old. And yes, I know who she really is. I'm just waiting to see if she does more, and if they bore me. I'm depressed... I mean really depressed. It's like the whole world is fading into a black void that only I can understand. 4. The net is so full of crap... and you can tell that’s true by most of what I post here. But, every once and a while something truly unique and beautiful comes along that makes you smile like a child. From the site: “The Little Girl Giant woke up in her deckchair at Horseguards Parade after another good nights sleep, took a shower from the Sultans Elephant, got dressed, and wandered off for a play in St James' Park.” By the way, the music that accompanies the video fits perfectly. The wonder of the child as a giant

I Show My Love With Links

1. After viewing link #1 you will be screaming the same thing I did: "I want that 5 minutes of my life back right now!" Store Wars? Substituting "Yogurt" for "Yoda" was done in Spaceballs, but I still hope Lucas sues these granola munchers. 2. Acronyms, Abbreviations, and general BS. Want to find a better way to say LOL? Then look here: LOL!!!!1! The best part about this page is finding words you haven't heard in years. For example, you know you're old if you know what Compuserve is. Now, have a look, or you can KMA. 3. Rate my... um... kitty? I don't like cats. Well... that's not really true... Cats don't bother me. I usually get along with them pretty well, and it's rare that a cat doesn't like me. But, I'm not a fan of cat owning people. Cat's are basically evil creatures with a superiority complex brought about by centuries of weak-spined individuals bending over backwards to please them. (let's see if I can get hate mail from that) So, if you're sheepish enough to kneel to the whims of a feline, that's your problem. Enjoy the site. Just try to avoid puking rainbows from the cuteness overload. Cats steal the breath out of a baby's mouths!!! 4. Know a site that pissed you off enough you’d just as soon see it in flames, or covered in dog crap? Now live out your destructive fantasy without threats of legal retaliation, or instigations leading to jail time because of your denial of service attack. I am the a cranky haxors lololo 5. If you want a great time waster, this is it. Paint by numbers, computer style: Sorry, no clowns to paint

Art And Porn, With "Links" Like Johnsonville Brats, But No Annoying Wisconsin Nasal Accent

Ok, there’s no porn, just some artsy crap. I figure the above title would draw a few people looking for porn. It’s kind of like my post below on Amy McElhenney. For those too lazy to scroll down three clicks, here’s the link: I don’t feel tardy That post alone has driven 655 people (as I write this) to the site in 7 days, looking for info on the latest teacher boinking-maybe-not-boinking one of her students. My normal traffic is about 30 visitors per day. Really, I don’t care one way or the other. I do this for me, and no one else. But it is funny seeing people scramble to a site just to see if the teacher is attractive. C’mon… You know people don’t care about her background, accreditations, or any charity work she did over the course of her life. People only want to see how big her cans are and to see if she’s attractive enough (by their standards) to say “Yeah… I guess I’d do her.” I’m also going to guess that half the people searching for pictures of her haven’t been laid in the last three years. For what it’s worth, I’m going to say the whole thing didn’t happen the way the student said. If I had to guess, and that is all this is, I’ll simply say the student was text messaging the teacher after he found her number, and the teacher was too young to understand responding to him was not the smartest thing to do, especially since he was a student at her school. Things got a little more detailed with harmless flirting like the student telling the teacher she’s been a bad girl and needs a spanking while wearing whatever Catholic Schoolgirl outfit she can quickly fit into… Sorry… That’s my fantasy… So.. the teacher realized she was digging a hole she may not be able to get out of if she continued the text messaging. With no other option left, she smacked the kid down and called off any additional teacher student fantasies I could… I mean he could have. The kid's cute spank-monkey shut him down. What can he do? The idea that went through his head was “Why don’t I turn her in for sexual misconduct? That should screw her over pretty good for rejecting me.” It sounds like the kid is a normal guy who thought he’d get more than the raging case of blue balls she left him with. Stupid and horny is a dangerous combination. I’m a guy, so I should know. So now we get to wait for a trial, or settlement, or her posing for Playboy in a couple of years. Here’s also hoping I’m completely wrong with my take, and she really was base jumping in the vicinity of his crotch. Now, on with the art. 1. There’s a lot I hate about modern art. Some punk shows up in a gallery with a bucket of warm piss and some enamel paint, and they are hailed as the next Jackson Pollock with Mapplethorpe tendencies. I don’t blame the prima donnas for milking every last dime you could get from the sheep in the art world, I mean hell, if I could mold and bronze my feces, in the form of famous guerilla fighters of South America, and sell it, I’d eat plenty of bran muffins to stay regular, and cash every check I get. But have somebody sneak in under the radar with a message, whether you agree with it or not; that I like and appreciate. It really is the thought sometimes. Please visit Banksy 2. Rave on! I’ve never been to a rave, so that first comment is meaningless. But, I’m sure if I said “Go grab your pacifier, your surgeon mask lined with Vicks VapoRub, a couple of tabs of X, and some of these, you’d get a pretty clear picture. Check out the videos of the light graffiti, then go make your own graffiti lights here. 3. And finally, the highest calling in all of art… The drink maker. Personally, give me a Shiner or a margarita, and I’m happy. But for those poorer readers that rely on trashcan punch, Jell-O shots, or God forbid, Schaffer Light and Busch, this is the site for you. By the way, Jell-O shots are only cool if consumed from between a bar maid’s boobs. Wanna taste my pudding pop? What evil has been lurking in the car CD player this week? 1. I’m back to Gomez again: How We Operate 2. Weezer: The Green Album 3. Chicago: Greatest Hits 4. Robert Cray: Strong Persuader 5. Al Green: Call Me

Brains... Brains!!!!!!

No... Strange... Strange. 1. Harry Chapin is not amused. Either you get that, or you don't. If you do, that means you're probably in your 30s or older. If you don't, just Google "Harry Chapin Song." Anyway...

No MSG!!!!! But kibbles aren't bad for you.

2. In honor of 6-6-6, how about a walk with the dead? Games... Games!!!!! 3. Along the lines of "You might be a redneck if..." You will know if you are a true geek by clicking here. If after looking, you say: A. "That is the coolest thing ever." B. "Of course I knew the original had 10 Phylon-Q7 Tractor Beam Projectors, and a Seinar Fleet Systems S-s3a Long Range Tachyon Detection Scanner." C. You already have a model of the Death Star in the same material. (more than likely hanging in your parent's basement) D. All of the above. You are a geek. 4. Beware of the Muffin Tree. 5. The internet is a vast wasteland of free porn and the absurd that takes my mind off work. A good example is this. Although it's not porn, it's absurd. I'll look for absurd porn later. 6. My family ties are rooted in Shetland, Scotland... and I'm proud of them... At least I was until now..... Med Løgum Skal Land Byggja. Maybe that should read: Med Løgum Skal "Bus stop" Byggja. Ok, I'm still proud of where I'm from, but this is just strange. Welcome to Unst. Home of cold and dark. A good way to describe Unst is to say you have a pretty good chance to meet Santa if you visit because you are so far north. Anyway, a bus stop is Unst's latest claim to fame. Have a look at the snack bar and free "in room" computer. On the plus side the Scots did invent golf. You can thank me about that later. Ok, honestly it is a beautiful land, but the locals could use a little more to do. Visit and see what the island has to offer here. 7. Keeping the Scots-Irish theme going... You can learn to curse like a Irish sailor at this site or find another language to curse in here. 8. Serious geek stuff now. This is for all you people that can speak Klingon, or get hives waiting for the newest processor to come out. Get a life already, ok? 9. Time killer games. Racing hell, and other stuff 10. Save the best for last. Here's a real time waster: Pick the hottie. It goes on and on and on and on...

I Don't Feel Tardy...

End of the school year for most means a chance to get away from teachers and books. For others it can mean a chance to be a little closer to their teachers if you catch my drift... So, here's a couple of naughty teachers.. Good for them! I think of all the education that I missed. But then my homework was never quite like this. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad Im hot for teacher. Numero Uno-o: Erica Chevillar. Erica is just a very attractive lady who posed for some bikini and lingerie shots to make some extra money. Everything was fine until a student at her school found the pictures and showed everyone else. There was nothing wrong with anything she did, but my real question here is how any 15 to 18 year old boy could have ever paid attention to, or concentrated on anything, while she was in front of the class. I'm sure after seeing the pictures, it's twice as hard...to pay attention that is... to anything she says now. Here's a little taste. About 25 pictures. All are safe for work. Give it time to load. My blood runs cold. My angel is a centerfold Numero Doso: Amy McElhenney. Ahhh, the sweet, sweet goodness of Texas girls. Better yet... Air-headed beauty pageant girls from Texas, who also happen to become teachers.... and, who also like to text message dirty thoughts to their students. Here's a little background: McElhenney is the daughter of Debbie McElhenney and the late Harold McElhenney. She attended Rice schools and graduated in 1999 from Blooming Grove High School. She is currently a senior at the University of Texas at Austin majoring in Spanish and religious studies. Her entire background info can be found here. And the story from The Dallas Morning News. Since I hate The DMN, I'll just post all the highlights. God knows, they'll remove the story in a few days anyway... Student alleges sex with teacher Lewisville ISD: Former Miss Texas contestant faces felony charge 11:01 PM CDT on Thursday, June 1, 2006 By BRANDON FORMBY / The Dallas Morning News A first-year Hebron High School teacher and former Miss Texas contestant faces up to 20 years in jail after an 18-year-old student told police he had sex with the 25-year-old woman several times at her apartment in Austin Ranch Amy McElhenney, who taught Spanish and was a cross-country coach at the Lewisville ISD school in Carrollton, is charged with having an improper relationship with a student, a second-degree felony. She was arrested on May 25, the last day of school, posted $5,000 bail and was released According to an arrest warrant affidavit, another student sent an anonymous note last month to Hebron's resource police officer that indicated Ms. McElhenney's cellphone contained "intimate" text messages to and from the 18-year-old. In an affidavit, a Carrollton police officer said the messages "constitute a flirtatious and endearing relationship" between Ms. McElhenney and the student. When interviewed at home, however, the student gave police a written statement in which he said he and Ms. McElhenney had sex on "numerous occasions" at her apartment. He told police their alleged relationship began in February. Numero Trace-eh-oh: Music, dammit! In my CD this week: 1. The Decemberists: Castaways and Cutouts 2. The Beatles: The Entire Final Rooftop Concert 3. Better Than Ezra: Greatest Hits (Note to music producers: Leave the remix crap on the cutting room floor, m'kay? 4. Hoobastank: Every Man For Himself 5. Faith No More: The Real Thing 6. Stevie Wonder: A Time To Love Have a nice weekend... And be sure to tell your teachers how much you appreciated everything they did for you...